Eh. At this point … what’s one more Fast and the Furious movie?

I used to proclaim Fast and the Furious as the movie franchise that just won’t die.

That verbiage, of course, offered a cruel bit of irony when Paul Walker died a year and a half ago in a car accident. Yep, it’s been that long already.

I assumed that would effectively end the movies — in the last way that I wanted. I was hoping that the filmmakers would wake up one day and realize they’re making our country worse by continually producing movies in which half of its scripts consist of the words [car chase].

Even for action movies, the Fast and the Furious is very dumbed down. I know nobody watches them for their educational value, but at zero point during any of the seven movies do they even come close to providing any semblance of cognitive stimulation whatsoever. They’re also obnoxiously loud.

Fast and the FuriousBut then the lead actor died, and they still somehow managed to overcome it and release Furious 7 earlier this month. It was a nice final hurrah for Paul Walker, seeing as this was the franchise that really defined his career. It was the perfect ending. Tyrese could go back to making music that no one will listen to, Jordana Brewster could go back to working at Target, and Vin Diesel could permanently become Groot.

No one would have questioned it if the movies stopped. It was expected. How could you go on without Paul Walker? It would be like making another Lord of the Rings without Frodo.


…Sorry, just thinking about that prospect gets me worked up. And the Hobbit doesn’t count. it’s a prequel.

Anyway, apparently I was naive. Why would the untimely death of a franchise’s lead actor end it altogether? How silly of me. Vin Diesel made it official today when he announced Furious 8 would be released in April 2017.

My reaction upon reading this news: “Another one? Are you kidd — eh, screw it. Who cares anymore.”

If people still want to go see these movies, then knock yourself out. Clearly they have a giant fan base because Furious 7 grossed a billion dollars. A billion.

It’s pretty sad knowing that a movie can gross 10 figures simply by virtue of its title. A kindergartner could have written Furious 7 and it still probably would have made almost as much money.

And the typical person who went to see it probably wouldn’t even be able to tell the difference. The script could have been delivered to Vin Diesel in crayon and he wouldn’t have even thought twice about it.

Let’s just assume from now on that Fast and the Furious movies are a simple fact of life. Along with taxes, global warming, Kelly Clarkson being overweight and people posting their pets’ birthday celebration pictures on social media.

Welcome to 2015.

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