FHM provided today’s distraction from the Baltimore riots

Rioting is still in full force in Baltimore. People are throwing rocks, demolishing cars and looting stores. Even the firefighters responding to arson are getting attacked, by all accounts.

It’s just a bad situation. It’s a blemish on our fine country, even if the people doing the rioting have a point to make.

But no one likes to think about this. If only there was just something, anything, that could come along and distract us. Like, for example, a list of the world’s sexiest women.

Thank you, FHM.

Michelle KeeganThe online publication, whose acronym nobody has any idea what the hell it stands for, compiles a user-voted list annually of the most attractive females in the world. And then they post extremely provocative photos of the women who make it. I approve.

Everyone likes to think in terms of lists now. We can thank Buzzfeed for that. People want their content ordered, ranked, and presented one by one. What better way to utilize that strategy then ranking the hottest women?

At the end of the day, this is all men really care about. Upon entering a room, our mind ranks the hottest girls that are inside of it. And only the average-looking to hot ones are even eligible. If you’re not good looking, you’re basically just an insignificant piece of the landscape, like a lamp. I’d apologize for being so brash, but if you’re a woman and you haven’t figured this out yet, then I don’t know what to tell you.

These lists follow the same methodology. It ranks one to 100. Even the hundredth girl on this list — last place — is the hottest girl in almost every room she stands in. We’re basically picking the best looking women out of a pool of women who already are so affirmatively hot that their attractiveness was never in doubt at any point of their life.

So who earned the top spot? Why, Michelle Keegan, of course!

Wait … who?

I can honestly say I have no idea who this is. So naturally I immediately desired to see at least 100 pictures of her at once, and decided that she is basically the British Mila Kunis. She topped Kendall Jenner and Jennifer Lawrence, who finished at Michelle Keegan2two and three, respectively.

I support it when a fresh face makes a mark on these lists. Celebrities known for their hotness lose their appeal over time. Jennifer Lawrence? Kate Upton? They’re so 2013. Their physical appeal has already been established, and we long for something different. So I know nothing about Michelle Keegan, and that’s exactly what I like about her.

Had the same old face claimed the top spot instead, I think I would have gone outside and tried to overturn a car, Baltimore style.

And then I would have probably thrown out my back.

I think rioting could actually be a new form of high-intensity exercise. Who needs CrossFit when you could strengthen your core by lifting heavy objects amid an angry mob? The adrenaline you’d get would push you to new heights.

You could even call the workout the BaltiCore.

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