Health is something that people know is important, but don’t ever want to be lectured on.
As much as I appreciate vegetarians and vegans and their determination to live a healthy life, listening to them talk about their diet is as boring as watching a celebrity golf tournament.
All the average American wants is to ignorantly and blissfully eat their hamburger in peace. And until our doctor looks us in the eye and tells us to start eating healthy immediately or we’re going to die, then that is when we will turn to our vegetarian and vegan friends for dietary advice. But only then.
Given that mindset, most people probably are unaware that there is an entire plethora of food choices that are derived only from grains, beans, fruits, vegetables and nuts. Like seitan. Or tofu. And my personal favorite: quinoa. It’s fun to eat, say and spell. The rare triple threat.
And there’s another food that most people have probably heard of before, but choose to shelve it in the same part of their brain that also hides the fact that they secretly like Meghan Trainor — kale.
No, I’m not referring to the black dude who co-starred in the late ’90s Nickelodeon show with Kenan Thompson. That would be Kel.
Kale is a vegetable. I can’t pretend I know much more than that, but I know its leaves can be used to form a kale salad, and that when baked, it takes on a composition similar to potato chips. Add seasoning, and you have a wonderful snack called kale chips. You can purchase them at your local Trader Joe’s.
But a warning — though they may taste good, kale chips smell like shit. Do not prepare them as a hors-d’oeuvre if you are hosting a female at your house who you are trying to have sex with later.
Unless she’s a vegan. Then you’re probably in for a great night.
But if you’re dating a vegan, then prepare to not enjoy many more meals for a while.
Anyway, kale has become increasingly popular over the years, especially as hipster culture continues to become more mainstream and people continue to seek healthier diets. But it was still uncommon enough that people could ignore it.
Well no more. Because once McDonald’s starts selling it, there’s no going back.
The fast food chain is putting kale in a $3.99 breakfast bowl in nine of its restaurants in Southern California.
Unless Justin Timberlake is spotted eating kale on a New York City sidewalk, there’s really no greater endorsement that kale is now a thing than once McDonald’s starts jumping on the bandwagon.
Vegans may be repulsed by the idea, but the truth is, there’s no greater popularity boost.
And when you order it at McDonald’s, get some orange soda with it. Why?
Because kale looooves orange soda.