Loving your dogs is now a criminal offense

How much do you love your dogs?

Enough to go to prison for them for 10 years? If you answered yes, then you have something in common with Johnny Depp.

You’re a dog martyr.

The actor who has played Jack Sparrow one too many times is under fire with Australian authorities after he violated their quarantine laws by illegally flying his two dogs into the country without declaring them.

Australians care so much about preventing contagious diseases from crossing their borders that Depp was actually warned that if he didn’t remove his dogs from the country, they would be put down. Depp obliged and flew his dogs out, but now it’s possible that charges may be pressed against him.

Johnny Depp dogsThis is a real story.

The Australian Minister for Agriculture, Barnaby Joyce, was so insistent that the dogs leave, that he actually tweeted an update to his followers once they were gone. The tweet simply read, “dogs done.”

Without context, that tweet sounds like it’s coming from somebody lamenting their dogs running away. Or the tagline for a Gone Girl sequel featuring a canine kidnapping.

Clearly Australian officials do not give two shits about how they are perceived by outsiders, because going after somebody because he enjoys spending time with his dogs — and then threatening to put them down — is not how you endear yourself to others.

In fact, I think threatening to kill perfectly healthy dogs is probably one of the most evil things any government regime can do. Well, besides exterminating six million Jews, I guess.

But it’s Australia, so why would they care? I think it’s physically impossible to hold any animosity towards that country. Name one thing they’ve done to piss you off, ever. Just one thing. It’s the same nation that has koalas. Plus, they gave us Margot Robbie. And that gives them an eternal pass.

Michael Vick didn’t even serve three years in jail, and he orchestrated a brutal dog fighting ring that saw saw dogs get drowned and electrocuted.

I highly doubt charges will be pursued against Edward Scissorhands. But if they do, and he’s somehow convicted — despite the fact that he obliged by flying them out — then people better rally around his release like they did for Nelson Mandela.

And if you’re going to convict the actor for anything, how about throwing him in the slammer for the monstrosity of a movie that was Mortdecai?

Now that is a punishable offense.

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