When you realize you will never be more famous than a horse

The sports milestone everybody never knew they needed happened on Saturday when thoroughbred American Pharoah won the Belmont Stakes, completing the first Triple Crown in 37 years.

The victory sent people into a frenzy. Because who doesn’t want to see a horse succeed? This is a sporting event where you’re not rooting for one competitor at the expense of another. You’re also rooting for an animal.

For all intents and purposes, there was no other horse in this race. The world was so focused on American Pharoah that there was only two possible outcomes: a Triple Crown, or who cares.

American PharoahUnless you bet on a different horse in the race, it takes a unique brand of douchebaggery to openly root against a horse just because you want to see it fail.

It would be like rooting against Nemo reuniting with his dad in Finding Nemo. And if that’s the case, then you also probably laughed at the end of Old Yeller.

American Pharoah does not have the slightest clue what he did on Saturday, and yet, he will go down in sports immortality. And I could not be more envious of his life.

The one downside of becoming famous is having to deal with the media hoopla that comes with it. It must suck to not be able to walk down the block without being recognized, and to constantly see yourself discussed in tabloids.

American Pharoah is a horse. Therefore he has no idea about any of that. He is famous, universally beloved and will be pampered his entire life. And he’ll be none the wiser, living the remainder of his life blissfully while chomping on hay.

That’s pretty much the American Dream.

What’s a little sad is that people probably cared much more about the Belmont Stakes than they do about the Women’s World Cup, which started on Monday. As I write this, the USA just defeated Australia in their opening match, 3-1.

These are the best soccer players performing in behalf of our country. If we have any sense of nationalism, we should probably give them our full support.

And worst of all, let’s please not be misogynistic and judge them simply by their looks. Alex Morgan is unbelievably hot. We get that.

But these are talented, successful women who are more than just legs and a pretty face.

They also have tightly defined abs and silky smooth hair.

Eh, who am I kidding. It’s customary for one American athlete to come away from the Women’s World Cup as America’s new favorite sweetheart. This year, my early prediction is Christen Press, who scored the game winning goal today to beat Australia.

She’s 26, apparently really good at soccer and has a winning smile — what more can you ask for?

And like American Pharoah, she’s just asking to be ridden. That joke was incredibly insensitive and demeaning, but it was just too obvious not to make.

But really, at this juncture, what dignity do I really have to defend anymore?

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