A lot of big decisions have been made recently.
The legalization of gay marriage. Obamacare. Whether to eradicate the Confederate flag. If certain drugs used to kill death row patients are too “cruel and unusual” to be constitutional.
But all of those resolutions pale in comparison to another one made recently: McDonald’s is making a bigger quarter pounder.
Because if there is anything our country desperately needed — besides marriage equality — it is fast food in greater quantity and size.
This is part of a series of new changes the global burger chain has made to try and stay hip with the times. If you recall, it recently added kale to its menu. Now, they’re going the other way. Rather than adding more veggies to their menu, McDonald’s is just completely ignoring that whole heart disease thing, and telling its customers: “Hey, eat more of us!”
Basically, they’re one step away from producing burgers representative to the ones made by Mondo Burger in the 1997 movie “Good Burger.”
In a way, it’s sort of symbolic. McDonald’s is clearly trying to gain an edge on other popular and growing burger joints like Five Guys, Shake Shack and In ‘N Out Burger, which have clearly become more trendier and less stigmatized places to grab a quick bite.
By making massive burgers, McDonald’s is basically just flexing their corporate guns. If you can’t do it better, then do it bigger. It’s like a rich dude who buys a convertible just because he’s bored.
Five Guys, the ball is in your court. And there’s no Kel Mitchell to bail you out with his special sauce recipe.
Anyway, the point is that this is what America is all about. Marriage equality is nice. Affordable health insurance is swell. But bigger hamburgers is what truly makes this country great.
We’re the obesity capital of the world, and let’s never forget that.
I speculated a few weeks ago that if the team got further into the tournament, people would start to care a bit more. And I think I’m starting to sense it now, at least on social media. They haven’t won the World Cup since 1999, and from what I hear, it would be a pretty big deal.
And that’s all.
I’m not going to say anything sexist about this. I won’t comment on how hot Alex Morgan is, or how much I love watching 11 women run around a field in short shorts for 90 minutes.
I’ll just let this women’s sign speak for itself and say, on behalf of America, let’s come on our girls.