On Sunday, we found something that America is better at than every other country in the world — women’s soccer.
After a stretch of not allowing a goal for more than 500 minutes, the women’s national team annihilated the Japanese, scoring four goals in the game’s first 15 minutes. Three of those came off the foot of Carli Lloyd, the last of which was a blast from midfield. And do yourself a favor and only watch the Telemundo highlight of the goal. Trust me on this.
It was an evening ripe for plenty of atomic bomb jokes. I don’t even need to search Twitter to know that they were probably made over and over again by unoriginal people who thought they were being clever.
Or you could just google it.
You see, this is the reason why I no longer make insensitive remarks on social media. Part of it is because I have matured (somewhat). Another part is because I know any future employer will likely check my social media history in order to fully vet me as a person, and thirdly, because your tweet could end up plastered all over an article by an international publication like the Daily Mail.
Hiroshima jokes are ones you make surrounded by your friends in the comfort of your home. You don’t post them publicly for the entire world to see.
But, when in doubt, don’t make those jokes at all. Because they’re probably going to bomb.
(I’m not even going to say whether that was on purpose or not.)
Anyway, for a country that’s often perceived as unappreciative of soccer, we’ve kind of been owning the headlines for the sport this year. First, our attorney general took down the corrupt heads of FIFA, and now, our women absolutely dominated international competition.
It was our first World Cup since 1999, and third women’s championship overall — the most won by any country since the tournament began in 1991. And if you’re wondering whether the general public cared about this; they did. It was the highest rated soccer game in the U.S. on a single network.
And I think this is something we should celebrate. And no, I don’t mean posting “USA!” on Facebook with an American flag icon next to it. I mean actually join together as a whole to rejoice.
Cities throw parades when a professional sports teams wins a championship, so why the heck shouldn’t we do it for an international triumph? Isn’t that a much bigger deal?
Well, they just very well might get their parade.
And I think it would be pretty awesome. We don’t get many opportunities to unite as a nation and actually agree on stuff. In this instance, we’d be doing that just that, and at the same time, honoring a group of talented female athletes.
And for the third time, I promise, I will not minimize their accomplishment by making any references to their astonishing good looks, and instead will focus solely on their abilities.
Eh, screw that. Here’s Alex Morgan in a swimsuit.