Bill Cosby and Jared Fogle are not having a good day

All right, so it’s been a pretty long day for me, and I haven’t any time whatsoever to check the news. So I have no idea what is going on in the world.

Since I can’t comment on current events, I thought I’d take the time to instead talk about two of my idols. Because that’s always fun to talk about. We don’t give enough credit in life to the people who helped shape us.

Anyway, two people who have always inspired me to live life to the fullest are Bill Cosby and Jared Fogle, the guy who got famous for losing weight on a diet of Subway sandwiches.

These two men are upstanding citizens who have always done the right thing. They’re admirable in so many ways, and are especially known for their benevolence towards all God’s creatures, including women and children.

Jared from SubwayAnd that’s why I — wait, what’s that you’re yelling at me right now?

Open any website, you say? Like, literally, any website at all? OK, give me one second.

Shit. This is bad. What do I do. What do I do.

*Pulls out mind eraser device from Men in Black*

You will forget everything I just said!

*Realizes he’s actually holding a piece of lint*

OK, well, apparently it has not been a good start to the week for Mr. Cosby and Mr. Fogle. Cosby first came under fire in late 2014 when more than two dozen women accused him of deplorable acts ranging from groping, sexually harassing, to even drugging and raping them. Cosby flatly denied the accusations and called the women liars.

Well, a federal judge on Monday unsealed a court document from 2005 in which Cosby admitted under oath that he purchased qaaludes with the intention of giving them to women he planned to have sex with.

So that pretty much settles that. Cosby — rapist. Check. The 77-year-old can now go on living the remainder of his days in disgrace, and the scores of women who bravely came forward to share their stories are now vindicated.

The case of Jared Fogle, though wrapped in a story almost as disturbing, is not so cut and dry.

The 37-year-old, who lost 200 pounds and then became a spokesman for Subway, may or may not be a pedophile. The mess first started in March, when Russell Taylor, a former executive director for Fogle’s foundation, the Jared Foundation, was arrested on charges related to child pornography.

On Tuesday, the FBI raided Fogle’s home. Though he hasn’t been charged with anything yet, Subway has already suspended ties with him.

So now Subway marketers are handed the challenge of distancing themselves from Jared, and will go full force on centering their outreach on the fact they now serve avocado on their sandwiches.

Listen, Subway, everyone serves avocado now. It’s like a fucking health revolution suddenly came to America overnight. You’re not special.

And then, on Twitter, came the “foot-long” and “six-inch” jokes. It’s something I don’t even need to check to know it’s there. The average American idiot is extremely predictable.

I know, because I used to be one.

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