I’m not entirely sure when it started happening. But at some point, the world abandoned the English language and started embracing cute, simplified and nonsensical nicknames to describe everything.
It may have something to do with the emergence years ago of certain businesses, who, foreseeing America’s apparent need for cuteness, named their companies appropriately: Google. Yahoo. The Furby.
While there was likely a lot of sound business strategies that led to their success, I’m convinced that they wouldn’t have even had the opportunity to succeed if they didn’t first catch people’s attention with their adorable names. Against Google and Yahoo, AltaVista never stood a chance.
And now, the cuteness is everywhere. When celebrity couples date, we assign their relationship an endearing nickname. When a mischievous scandal arises, we condense it into one single easy-to-process word. And we have no problem making up nonexistent words to describe actions in order to turn it into a worldwide meme. Remember Tebowing?
As always, I blame social media. Since nobody can understand anything anymore without an accompanying hash tag, it almost necessitates the need for a one-word, cute nickname to describe everything.
How widespread is this? Look no further than the Greek debt crisis. This is a terrible, terrible situation for Greeks. Their banks are closed, they’re out of work, and their country may be forced to withdraw from the Eurozone. To put it into perspective, the current crisis is actually plaguing Greece’s economy worse than the Great Depression damaged New York’s in 1929.
So how does the rest of the world react? Why, by giving the entire crisis a cute nickname, of course!
The “Grexit” has been used to describe Greek’s possible exit from the Eurozone if a deal is not reached. And this isn’t jut something that is being said by Kathie Lee Gifford after her fourth glass of wine on the Today Show, but by highly credible news outlets like BBC News and The Guardian. When the British news buys into the cutesy name, that’s when you know it’s here to stay.
But that’s not even the worst of it. Grexit just wasn’t enough for most people. Once a third bailout was agreed to on Monday morning, the nickname got taken a step further — aGreekment.
Everyone do me a favor and search “facepalm” on Google images for me, and whatever pops up, that’s exactly how I feel.
It’s one thing to give a pet name to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. But maybe we should be a tad bit more serious when discussing a crisis that might ruin the lives of millions of families, while also having a detrimental effect on the entire global economy?
In other news, the New Horizons provided us with our first close-up shots of Pluto, which sounds cute enough that it doesn’t need a nickname, and one of the the world’s most notorious drug kingpins, Joaquín Guzmán Loera, broke out of a Mexican prison Saturday night.
Now there’s a manly story that can’t be diminished by a cute nickname. A drug lord escaping prison. It’s like Scarface meets Shawshank.
Wait, Guzman has actually earned a nickname in the Mexican underworld, you say? It’s got to at least be intimidating, right?
I give up.