Women of the world, listen: you have purses, we have cargo shorts.

Women often complain about the amount of things they have to do that men don’t.

It ranges from sitting down while peeing to giving birth. And they have every right to be annoyed. Being a man is awesome. I love every second of it. While there are transgenders in the world converting from men to women, I want to do the opposite. I want to become more of a man. I want to be the manniest man that’s ever manned.

However, there is one thing women have that I envy — purses.

It is your societal and fashionable right to carry around a bag of any size to hoard all of your things. This is a luxury you can’t even begin to understand.

Cargo shortsNow don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually want to carry a purse. But I am jealous that women do at least have the means to transport their belongings with them everywhere they go.

We stack our pockets to the brim, sure, but it isn’t enough. How am I supposed to bring my phone charger, my sunglasses, my iPod, my headphones and a hearty snack with me out in public? What if my plan is to take an afternoon stroll in the park and read from my Kindle?

How am I supposed to do that?

Women don’t face this problem. You can wear your entire lives inside of your pocketbook. It’s like a handheld Narnia.

But fortunately, there is one saving grace. And it’s cargo shorts. Cargo mother effin shorts. They’re not the prettiest shorts in the world. In fact, they’re as fashionable as wearing a layer of cardboard around your waist, but by golly are they practical.

I can fit a small village of guinea pigs inside my cargo shorts. That would be a very weird thing to do. But I can.

I honestly don’t care what women think about them. And, according to Buzzfeed, it’s not very good. In fact, it appears that women share the same view on cargo shorts as I do about Buzzfeed.

A former acquaintance from college posted the above link on Facebook today, accompanied with “HAVE I NOT BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS?!”

Reading it made me want to make a noose out of the material used to make cargo shorts, go to her house and … uh, attach a note saying “I disagree with your opinion” to it and promptly hand-deliver it to her and wish her a pleasant day.

But she clearly doesn’t get it. And I challenge her to go one week without a purse and let me know how it feels. Because that’s how men have lived their lives, lacking the proper apparel to fully equip ourselves for the day. It’s like a kangaroo without a pouch.

Women, you’re right about many things. But just shut up about cargo shorts.

We need this.

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