Are you taking female Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

Jared from Subway to serve prison time on child pornography charges. Sesame Street moving to HBO. Female Viagra.

Today was a goldmine for people who enjoy off-the-wall news stories. I don’t even know which topic to talk about first!

My original idea was to write about what an R-rated episode of Sesame Street might look like on HBO. But then, I remembered that I already did that! For no particular reason five years ago, I penned a script about my pretend visit to Sesame Street, and the entire thing captures my extremely perverse sense of humor. I reread it a few minutes ago, and, not to toot my own horn, but it’s pretty good.

It involves Elmo changing his name to “E-Nizzle,” Cookie Monster with an opioid addiction, and Snuffleapagus spitting mad game with the ladies. I’ll just leave it at that.

Sesame StreetAs for the actual show, those who love spending the day with Big Bird and company will be happy to hear that the move to HBO will enable it to double its annual episode output — from 18 to 35 — while producing spin-offs and other fun stuff.

Or, if you’re like me, you were surprised to learn that Sesame Street is still on the air. I guess you lose track of such things when you’re no longer a 5-year-old boy.

And speaking of 5-year-old boys … female Viagra.

OK, that was supposed to be a misdirection joke, because you assumed I was going to segue to Jared from Subway, but instead I chose the other topic. Unfortunately, in this case, the other topic happened to be equally as inapproporiate. If not worse.

But let’s stick with it. There seems to be some misconceptions regarding this new “female Viagra,” which is actually called flibanserin, with the brand name Addyi. Unlike Viagra, it’s not designed to fix impotence. It also doesn’t take effect instantly. Not that I’ve ever taken Viagra. There was one time when I was drunk and met up with an old flame when I could have used … you know what, let me stop this story.

Rather, the drug, approved this week by the U.S. Federal Drug Administration, is meant for women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder, HSDD, a condition marked by low sexual desire, which apparently can cause low self-esteem and psychological issues.

Men typically do not have that problem. But women must take Addyi for several weeks before it takes effect, and it comes with a whole host of side effects. One of them being that they can not mix it with alcohol. Well, that takes away all of the fun.Jared from Subway2

Some one who apparently had too much fun in recent years — and yeah, there’s really no way you can possibly segue into this story — is Jared from Subway, who I guess is legally Jared Fogle. He will be in jail for at least five years for his role in distributing child porn, as well as driving across state lines to pay for sex with minors.

Subway had cordially severed ties with him when he was first targeted by the feds, and now they are throwing him completely to the curb.

Jared, you’re a scumbag. The reason men go on diets and lose weight is to be appealing to girls their own age. It’s an accomplishment. One minute you’re fat and undesirable, and after hard work, you’re an eligible bachelor back in the game.

You did not do that. Instead, you lost 200 pounds so quickly that you not only looked like a pedophile, but you became one. Shame on you.

Overweight men of the world, do not let Jared’s vile acts discourage you. If you lose weight, I assure you the attractive women will come.

So much so that they’ll be taking Addyi just to keep up with you. And the next morning, the two of you can watch Sesame Street together on HBO.

Yeah, there really is no way to blend these three stories at all.

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