The rise of Deez Nutz, and fall of the global economy

It’s been a week of ups and downs.

On the upswing is the presidential campaign of Deez Nutz, a candidate only on paper, a registered independent fabricated by a 15-year-old Iowa boy named Brady Olsen.

But this isn’t just your average gag or Internet meme. Credible polls have actually added Deez Nuts to their surveys, and he is excelling.

It’s pretty convincing evidence that the general public is pretty fed up with America’s two-party system, and more specifically, the slew of candidates that have been presented before us for 2016. Of further evidence is the fact that Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, candidates in each party that in most years probably wouldn’t be taken seriously (for completely different reasons), are actually earning support.

Deez NutzThe best part of this is that the New York Times, which, historically, adds the titles “Mr.” and “Mrs.” upon the second mention of a person in a story, actually refers to Deez Nutz as “Mr. Nutz.”

But I think it’s what this represents that is most important. In a Democracy, we, the people, choose who we want as president. But we don’t get to choose who runs for president, at least not in the beginning, and if we don’t like the people who we’ve been told to vote for, then fuck it, we’ll make some one up. Even if it took a 15-year-old Iowan to do it.

Viva Deez Nutz!

On the other end of the spectrum: the stock market.

You all likely heard the panic reports early this morning, when the Dow Jones dropped 1,000 points within minutes of the stock market’s opening, only to recover almost completely by noon, and then drop again for a net loss of 585 points, or 3.4 percent.

Either way, it was hardly the economically crippling drop that some were making it out to be. By contrast, the drop was 22 percent on October 19, 1987, a day that has come to be known as “Black Monday.”

But the good news is we get to blame China! That’s always fun. Their economic woes of late, which caused them to devalue their own currency — and placed their own stock markets into turmoil — is throwing the entire international economy off kilter.

This is the reason why I do not dabble in the stock market. It’s too unpredictable. Well that, and the fact that I haven’t the slightest clue how the stock market works.

But this is a boring story. Let’s go back to Deez Nutz!

Can you buy stock in him? Because I’m all in.

I know it’s not a real person, but somewhere out there, there is a real Deez Nutz. He or she is a motivated, enthusiastic independent-thinking patriot who who, last week, thought they had no chance to run for president.

But we’re in a post Deez Nutz era.

Anything is possible, baby.

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