C’mon World Health Organization, there’s no need to give vegetarians more ammo

A committee of 22 public health and cancer experts convened by the World Health Organization determined on Monday that eating processed meat and bacon increases the risk of cancer. And red meat, they said, will probably increase the risk, as well.

And ensue panic, because that is the only information that will register with people on this topic.

In fact, the increased likelihood of acquiring cancer from eating too much of these foods is slight. Let’s also not forget that everybody, whether an expert or not, knows that too much meat is a bad thing. We all know not to eat bacon every day.

The researchers placed processed meat into a Group 1 category for carcinogens, the same group that smoking lies in, and red meat into a Group 2. Although it doesn’t really quantify how much meat consumption truly is dangerous, and furthermore, anything that’s in Group 1 is there because it is a carcinogenic, but is not separated by degrees of carcinogenicity. 118 things are in Group 1. So this whole report is very misleading.

processed meatsRegardless, this study simply adds another notch on the belt for vegetarians. Trust me, I admire people who have principles, but when you give them any incentive to criticize meat, they will seize it.

And let’s face it, vegetarians are always right. Whether they make their arguments smugly or precociously — so much so that you want to punch them in the face — they are undoubtedly living a healthier lifestyle than carnivores. And usually it can be proven with one glance at their physical appearance, rather than having to compare blood pressure or cholesterol levels.

So when the World Health Organization drops a bombshell like this, it’s basically the equivalent of a microphone drop. Any last argument you may have had against vegetarianism is out the window.

Because when the WHO tells us something, people listen. Just days after their report, states are already debating whether to put warning labels on meat packaging.

Just to rub it all in, The WHO might as well let the actual band The Who sing the findings of this report to the tune of Baba O’Reilly. “Don’t cry, don’t raise your rib-eye, it’s only colon cancer. WE’RE ALL WASTED.”

What’s next? Is the World Health Organization going to determine that people who eat too much ice cream are more likely to struggle to get up and down a flight of stairs? Or that people who don’t play basketball as well as Lebron James are less likely to succeed in life?

Vegetarians, enjoy your salads. Bask in your soy and your quinoa. Laugh yourself all the way to the kale section of Trader Joe’s.

Because when the zombie apocalypse arrives, and we’re all forced to eat each other to survive, then we, the meat eaters, will be the ones who prevail in the end.

Yup, that’s really the best insult I can come up with.

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