Not sleeping with your supermodel girlfriend is the ultimate act of restraint

What’s a greater feat than sleeping with a supermodel?

If you said listening to a Miley Cyrus song from start to finish without wanting to bang your head against the wall, then you’d be right.

And if you also said learning how the heck you play the game mahjong, then you’d still be right.

But neither of those are the answer I am looking for.

What’s harder then sleeping with a supermodel … is having the chance to sleep with a supermodel, and not doing it.

Enter Tim Tebow.

Olivia CulpoBefore I proceed any further, let me just say that it is invasive enough for the media to be so concerned with celebrity’s dating lives.

But to start infringing upon celebrity’s sex lives is a whole other thing altogether. It’s beyond inappropriate and should be respected as something that is totally off limits from being exploited.

So let’s continue talking about exactly that.

The world got a good, hardy laugh this weekend by reports that Tim Tebow was dumped by his girlfriend of two months, Olivia Culpo, who was crowned as both Miss USA and Miss Universe in 2012, because she could no longer deal with his celibacy.

Tebow, as most of you know, is a devout Christian who refuses to engage in premarital sex.

And while everybody loves to rag on Tim Tebow, let’s just think about this for a second. He dated a Miss Universe for two months. There’s only been 63 Miss Universes in the history of mankind. So that already puts him in the top .00000001 percent of ballers to ever live.

Also, just look at Olivia Culpo. She’s stunningly gorgeous, and probably the only person of significance to ever come from Rhode Island.

If I upset anybody from Rhode Island with that remark, then, good. It’s about time you guys got mad about something.

The amount of restraint it must have taken to not sleep with her — when she obviously wanted to, because why else would they be dating? — is something that probably very few people could ever manage.

It’s like making the grueling climb to the summit of Mount Everest, seeing the top within reach, and then just being like, “Nah, I’m good,” and turning around.

His willpower is so impressive that I think, from now on, this should be the example used when people want to reference a specific instance to describe the ultimate act of resisting temptation.

From now on, Tebowing is no longer bending to one knee in thoughtful prayer.

Tebowing is refusing to sleep with one of the most beautiful girls in the world even when she’s asking for it.

Now that is leaving a legacy.

Finally somebody has found the best possible use for cat memes

Am I really going to talk about cat memes for the second time in my last three blog posts?

Too late. I’ve already started.

The entertainment value of posting cat pictures is widely documented. It works in practically any situation.

Including, as the fine people of Brussels, Belgium have shown us in recent days, when a nation is on high alert of the threat of terrorism.

Last week’s Paris attacks have had far-reaching implications, including in neighboring Belgium, the location where not only the suspected (and recently deceased) mastermind of the attacks grew up, but where other suspects implicated in the carnage are believed to be hiding.

Belgian catsConsequently, the typically thriving and tourist infested city has been paralyzed in recent days as Belgian military and police scour the area. Residents have been told to stay inside, and schools, museums, markets and public transportation have all been closed. During the hunt, 21 people have been detained, and police on Tuesday tweeted a photo of a man whose capture has clearly has become a top priority.

In cooperation with their search, police urged residents to not post any information of their whereabouts on social media out of concern that it may tip off terrorists.

But in today’s technological age, it seems like an unrealistic request, doesn’t it? People are obsessed with social media and receiving up-to-the-second news. Asking them to resist posting information on it is like asking Nicki Minaj to stop making bad music. It’s just what they do.

However, not only have the Belgians obeyed the request, but they’ve done so with a great sense of lightheartedness and levity — by posting humorous cat photos alongside the hash tag #BrusselsLockdown.

It’s provided a way for people to connect with their countrymen during a Belgian cats2fearful time, and I can’t think of any better way to utilize cat photos than this.

Even the police subtly got in on the fun by thanking its residents on Twitter alongside a photo of cat food.

I feel like if an American city was on lockdown, and police requested secrecy, some despicable blogger would post an update of their coordinates every two minutes.

Hey, don’t look at me! I’m not that big of a douche.

But I just want to take this moment to say that Belgians have won some serious respect from me. Even in the midst of terror, they’re able to show some personality and spirit. Before this, the only Belgian commodity I held in high regard was waffles. Not any more.

And it just goes to show — we may all look differently and speak different languages, but we’re all united in the name of silly cat memes.

ISIS, you can never take that away from us.

Forget next year’s election, America’s biggest decision is Justin Bieber vs. One Direction

The world almost made it a full week without a high-profile terrorist attack. So close. This time havoc struck western Africa, in a hotel in Mali last Friday morning, where Islamic militants took 170 hostages and killed 19 of them.

There’s really not much else you can say or do but to believe in the power and resilience of humanity. We may not be living in a fairy tale, but one has to remain hopeful that good will always prevail over evil, even in the darkest of times.

If you’re having trouble believing that yourself, then take strength in Antoine Leiris, who, despite losing his wife in the Bataclan attack, refuses to bear hatred for those who pulled the trigger that fateful night.

If a man who lost so much can see the bigger picture, then maybe we can too.

Remember, it’s our decisions we make that truly define us.

Justin BieberAnd this past weekend, a decision was upon the world that, one way or the other, really showed our true colors.

Justin Bieber vs. One Direction.

And the Beliebers won.

The solo artist and boy band have combined to warp an entire generation of young girls’ musical tastes. They’ve both cultivated a sweeping fan base, and in the last few days, their popularity was put to the test.

Justin Bieber’s fourth studio album, Purpose, came out on the same day as One Direction’s fifth, titled Made in the A.M, their first album since their quintet became a quartet following the departure of Zayn Malik. In the end, Bieber sold some 649,000 albums to One Direction’s 459,000.

The dual releases created the biggest quandary for teenage girls since the Hunger Games made them decide between Peeta and Gale.

(I still can’t believe Katniss chose Peeta.)

(I mean … I never read them.)

(I read them.)

I’ve been pretty hard on the Biebs on this blog. I won’t deny it. Mainly because I can’t deny it since a search of his name will reveal myriad angst-ridden posts about him dating back to 2010.

But I will go on record, right now, by saying that I am willing to wipe the slate clean on Justin Bieber. Henceforth, I will only judge him on his actions moving forward, starting with Sunday night’s closing performance at the American Music Awards.

If I took one thing away from it, it’s that I didn’t realize he’s actually a pretty good dancer. His voice has always been fine. It’s nothing show-stopping, but he’d probably get at least three out of four chairs to turn on a blind audition of The Voice. No way Pharrell would turn. No way.

(I don’t actually watch The Voice.)

(I’m watching it right now.)

But now it’s time to see if Bieber has learned anything from his past transgressions.

Hey, Ben Carson, once stabbed a dude — allegedly — and tried to hit his mom on the head with a hammer — again, allegedly — and the guy might be our next president. All can be forgiven.

Don’t let me down, Bieber. I want to like you. I really do.

Otherwise, I’m spending my entire fortune on One Direction’s next album to make sure you don’t win Round 2.

That’s smarter than starting a 401K, right?

Pet owners: take the cucumber away from the cat

The mastermind behind last week’s Paris attacks is dead, the U.S. House of Representatives voted to suspend the flow of Syrian refugees into America, and presidential candidate Ben Carson compared the men and women and children fleeing terrorism to “rabid dogs.”

But let’s talk about cats and cucumbers.

There’s very few things cats can do that wouldn’t translate into a popular Internet meme. Watching them do practically anything is entertaining.

But the enjoyment we get out of humorous cat videos is usually pretty harmless. A cat chasing a laser pointer. A cat sleeping in a weird position.

We get a few laughs out of the cat’s quirky behavior, and the furry feline is none the wiser.

Cat and ccumberExcept, a new meme featuring cats and cucumbers has changed that dynamic, and it’s upsetting animal advocates all over the place.

Videos have gone viral of people stealthily placing a cucumber next to their cat as they’re eating from their food dish. The cat, completely unaware of the green vegetable’s presence, turns around, suddenly sees it, and becomes mortified.

Its protective reflexes then cause it to pounce high in the air in retreat, and naturally, it’s quite the funny sight. And pet owners are capitalizing on the phenomenon by filming it and posting it online.

However, articles are surfacing explaining why people need to stop doing this. For one, they’re saying that it’s not necessarily the fact that cats are afraid of cucumbers, but they fear anything that suddenly appears next to them without them knowing.

So when they turn and see an oddly shaped object in their immediate proximity, they become startled. Especially when it happens near their food dish, a place that cats associate with security and comfort.

Repeating this can cause cats to become stress ridden, cause them to injure themselves when they react by jumping suddenly, and also betray the trust between human and pet.

I’m with the experts here. People, I get the humor out of seeing your cat flip out — almost literally — but imagine being in their shoes. Or paws.

They have no clue what a cucumber is. Of course they’re going to immediately fear that it is a predator. Cucumbers are freaking weird looking.

If I turned my head right now and there was a cucumber six inches away that I did not expect to be there, then it would probably scare the hell out of me too. Heck, if I see anything pop into my peripheral vision that looks unfamiliar, I immediately become alarmed.

And cats are small creatures. A cucumber must look like an anaconda to them at first glance.

Why are people even buying cucumbers, anyway? Even as far as vegetables are concerned, they’re as bland as it gets. They contribute nothing to any dish.

So if you’re contributing to this meme, not only are you a terrible pet owner, but you have a terrible taste in food.

Cat lovers, let’s put a stop to this. Let’s all picket next to the produce section at our local grocery stores. Let’s start a new movement.

Forgot Occupy Wall Street.

Tomorrow, we begin Occupy Cucumber.

However much you may hate your name, it could always be worse

We are only given one birth name in life.

Yes, you can change it legally, or even go by a nickname. But in all likelihood, you will grow up and live out your life being called the name that was bestowed upon you by your parents.

Hate it or love it, it’s still your name. It’s the identifier that makes you you.

There are occasional times in history when a name can become a major inconvenience. The movie “Office Space” hilariously played off this when they coined one of their characters Michael Bolton.

Indeed, I thought my name was rare and therefore devoid of ever being tainted, but two years ago, some dude in Florida with my exact first and last name went ahead and murdered somebody with a sledgehammer.

Michael BoltonThe linked article contains a video report. Trust me, it’s a bizarre feeling to hear your name uttered by a newscaster in the same sentence as “murder” and “sledgehammer.”

On the bright side, this crime didn’t draw much attention outside of Florida, and I now know how low I can sink in life before I become the worst human being that bears my name. It’s oddly comforting.

But there are some people who will not have that luxury for the remainder of their life. Take one, Isis Anchalee, a software engineer from San Francisco. Her name unfortunately matches the acronym for the terrorist organization aiming to create an Islamic caliphate by means of terror and fear.

For a while, ISIS — the organization — was a distant, faraway threat in the minds of many. They behead people, and that’s awful, but they’re separated from America by an ocean and until recently did not seem to have the financial means to plan a long range attack.

But after their disgusting actions in Paris last Friday, and their threat in a recently released video of an attack on New York, the mere mention of the terrorist group has suddenly taken on a new level of evil.

And it appears that Ms. Anchalee has beared the consequences of that. She complained on Twitter on Monday afternoon about her Facebook account being disabled, which prompted a response from a Facebook engineer a day later.

I’m sure the problem has been remedied, but the real dilemma remains. Her name is Isis. For the rest of her life, people she introduces herself to will do a double take, or will think she is making an insensitive joke.

It’s also worth noting that the top comment of her Tweet is from a girl named Isil Arican, who shares the problem to a slightly smaller extent since ISIS is also known as ISIL, short for the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant. Maybe the two of them can find a dude named Adolf and start a club.

So next time you feel compelled to complain about your name … don’t. Because it can always be worse.

And France, the United States and Russia, how about you go ahead and hurry up with that joint coalition to exterminate ISIS soon so poor Ms. Isis Anchalee can go ahead and live the rest of her life without too much difficulty?

How about a motivational hash tag to get it going?

#DoItForIsis

Something tells me that will never become a trending topic.

Enough sadness. It’s time to focus on the fun in life again!

Alright, time to get some positive vibes back in here. It’s been a very gloomy last few days, and though we should never forget the victims of last Friday’s attacks in Paris, we need to remember that it’s important to continue on with our lives in good spirits.

So let’s get to some fun stuff. What’s in the news?

Charlie Sheen has AIDS.

Oh, come on. This is really the top nonpolitical story in the U.S. right now? Charlie couldn’t wait like a week when the rest of the world calmed down to announce this?

Charlie Sheen AidsActually, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Charlie Sheen does not have AIDS. He did, however, tell Matt Lauer on the “Today Show” Tuesday that he’s not only HIV positive, but that he’s had the virus for four years, and that he’s paid millions of dollars to people to keep it private.

As cruel as it may sound, this might be the least surprising news ever. In fact, at the rate that he was consuming drugs and alcohol and engaging in sex with porn stars and prostitutes during his infamous 2011 partying binge, he’s pretty fortunate that testing HIV positive is all that ended up happening to him.

But he said all the right things on Tuesday, and maybe he can turn this challenging life episode into an opportunity to help others who have once struggled with drugs and addiction.

Perhaps Charlie intentionally waited until now to publicize this knowing that it would be vastly overshadowed by news in Paris. If so, it was a brilliant move on his part.

Other famous people should take note. If you have a dark secret you’ve kept hidden throughout your life, reveal it now while the world is distracted by international tragedy. Because no one will care. Even gossip blogs have shown a modicum of restraint lately out of respect to the Paris victims.

Benedict Cumberbatch, now is the time to tell people about your underground baby seal harpooning business. And Emily Blunt, you can finally share with the world that you’re an ardent follower of the Church of Scientology.

These are how rumors start.

Seriously though, I refuse to log off WordPress tonight without talking about something happy.

What’s Justin Bieber up to these days? That guy is always making a fool of himself. He’s the go-to man for unintentional comedy.

So, let’s see, top Google search for his name says: “Justin Bieber writes about friend who died in Paris attacks.” Shit. No. That’s not how that was supposed to go.

It’s OK though. Shake it off. And let’s stick with music. It’s the one thing we have always been able to rely on throughout history to distract us from reality.

What’s atop the Billboard Hot 100 right now? It’s been a while since I’ve checked.

Ah, Adele is back. That’s nice. Some song called “Hello.” I’m sure this is an energetic, upbeat song that will provide instant joy.

Time to go listen!

A deeply troubling anti-Islamic sentiment is upon us

I really, really wanted to lighten things up around here today and back away from politics in the aftermath of the Paris attacks.

But there’s one more piece of unfinished business.

I’ve spoken about how the most powerful way to combat terrorism is to show that it hasn’t taken away your spirit or your heart. And I know that sounds like an overly simplistic, idealized, Care-Bearish way to think about it, but I firmly believe it’s true.

New York Times Columnist Paul Krugman today said the most tangible accomplishment terrorist groups like ISIS can achieve is to inspire fear. They can’t establish the type of Islamic state that they so badly want to. Not in Paris, certainly not in the U.S., not anywhere.

They win when their actions cause us to panic. They win when they make us rush to react. And they especially win when they divide us.

Refugees ParisAnd I’m afraid that seems to be what’s happening right now. At least in the immediate aftermath of Friday’s attacks.

Barack Obama has stood firm in his stance to not put American troops on the ground to fight ISIS. His administration has, however, coordinated with the French military in its airstrikes of ISIS strongholds in Syria over the last two days..

At least one presidential candidate, Governor Lindsay Graham of South Carolina — whose polling so low he wasn’t even invited to FOX’s undercard debate last week — wants to send troops, warning that the next “9/11” is on its way from Syria.

But what’s most alarming is the xenophobic, anti-Islamic sentiment that has erupted across the U.S. At least 23 governors — all but one of them Republican — are taking action to prevent Syrian refugees from entering their states.

Another presidential candidate, Bobby Jindal — whose so irrelevant I don’t even remember if he debated or not last week — issued executive action to blockade Syrians from Louisiana.

Donald Trump said he wants to inspect mosques for signs of terrorism. Ben Carson wants Congress to defund federal programs that resettle Syrian refugees in America. Jeb Bush said we should favor Christian refugees over Muslims.

It appears that people are forgetting that the United States’ history of acceptance of all people is what made it the global superpower and world leader it is today. We set the standard for diversity.

Quite simply, the America we know does not exist without the infusion of immigrants.

Does that mean we all get along? No. But the sudden discrimination of Muslims is as anti-American as can be. And it’s all because of the perverted view of a small minority of religious extremists.

It’s OK to be angry. It’s OK to be upset. And it’s certainly understandable to crave justice.

But remember who the enemy is. When we start discriminately searching for people to blame, that’s when we lose all the values that make us who we are.

Do you know what takes real courage in the face of hardship? Not giving into intimidation or fear tactics, especially those spewed by political stakeholders who have their own ulterior motives.

It’s up to you to make up your own mind.