My first attempt at growing a beard

Today marks the two-week anniversary of the last time I shaved.

I celebrated by eating a meatball hero. Actually, that is a lie. I ate the meatball hero before I even thought about this. Although, a meatball hero in and of itself is a cause for celebration.

But anyway, it wasn’t really a conscious decision. Shaving I mean, not the hero.  I just went a few days without doing it and decided to keep going.

After a week, I decided I was going to go for it. So now that I’m well into my first ever foray as a bearded man — at 28 years old, no less — allow me to share some observations.

BeardForemost, it’s hilarious how self-conscious we are about our own looks. In the past, I always thought that if I went three or four days without shaving, that it was extremely noticeable. That it was obvious that I haven’t shaved and people would realize it.

However, I didn’t get a single comment about my unkempt facial hair until today. Two weeks after I stopped shaving. It took that long.

It’s good to know that, in the future, I can take a week off from shaving and no one would think any less of me.

Another thing I realized is that growing a beard is one of the few ways — if not only — to look older in a positive way. Usually when you’re told you look older, it’s with a negative connotation. Everyone wants to look youthful.

But with a beard, you look older in a more grizzled, sophisticated way. And not only that, but you look like someone who is comfortable with their age and appearance.

And at the end of the day, we all know that’s what really matters. Feeling comfortable. It’s fun to experiment with your look sometimes because you won’t know until you try it. And in my case, I like having a beard.

At least for now, it makes me feel cool, and I have more confidence. Clean shaven, I prefer to linger in the background and not draw any attention. With a beard, I command instant respect.

Whether people actually give it to me remains to be seen.

The jury is also still out on how having a beard affects my stature with the ladies. We do have a weekend coming up, so I will put it to the ultimate test and report back on Monday.

So expect one of two things next week — A recounting of my sexual conquest thanks to my newfound confidence, or a lazy political rant about Donald Trump’s latest shenanigans.

Already mentally preparing for Trump.

If you’re having trouble sleeping, read about the Iowa caucuses

“…. And then Cinderella and the Prince lived happily ever after. The end. Goodnight little Trevor.”

“Mom?”

“Yes, son?”

“I’m not tired yet. Read me another!”

“Alright. Just one more. But then you have to go to sleep, OK?”

“OK, mom.”

“Once upon a time, in the faraway land of Iowa, there was a caucus. It’s the electoral event that sets the tone for the presidential election. Republicans cast their votes secretly, while Democrats stand in a designated area denoting their favorite candidate in order to cast their … Trevor … you awake? Trevor?”

Iowa caucus2.pngMoms of America, take note. If you’re trying to find a way to get your children to fall asleep, tell them about the Iowa caucuses. For that matter, people of all ages can read about the caucuses if they need that extra little push to send them into Dreamville.

That’s what I call my dreams, by the way. It sounded better than Sleepytown.

Take it from me. I actually care about politics, and yet, reading or hearing about the Iowa caucus bores me to tears.

I bring this up, of course, because the 2016 Iowa caucus is next Monday, Feb. 1. And you’ll be hearing a lot about it between now and then, if you haven’t already.

Simply put, the reason it’s so important is because it’s the first major vote in the nominating process. Every state — and territory; what up Puerto Rico? — has either a caucus or primary, but Iowa’s is first. Thus, the results often propel candidates towards success, or, conversely, effectively end campaigns.

For example, Barack Obama, who was an underdog at the time, defeated Hillary Clinton in the 2008 Iowa Caucus. The rest is history.

After Monday, the race for who will represent their party in November’s election will become a lot clearer.

But it’s still just so god damn boring. If you’re somehow still interested, then Vox has put together a pretty good primer as to how the Iowa caucus works. Read at your own mercy.

I mean, I understand why Iowans care so much about it. Aside from hosting the Field of Dreams movie site (which I visited last September), and the occasional success of one of its college sports teams, there’s really nothing else there. Trust me, I’ve been to Iowa, and it’s exactly what you’d think.

So, for some political buffs, Monday will be a big day. For others, it’ll be known as Groundhog2Groundhogs Day Eve.

You know, there’s got to be a way to combine those two, right? Put every candidate around the groundhog’s burrow, and whatever person it scurries over to will be the nominee.

Actually, scratch that. Because a groundhog would probably be attracted to Donald Trump’s hair considering it looks like another groundhog.

Let’s just stick with the Iowa caucus.

I’m becoming dreary-eyed just thinking about it.

How I learned to stop worrying and love Winter Storm Jonas

In my disbelief over B.o.B’s stupidity yesterday, I totally forgot to mention something fairly significant that occurred on the East Coast this past weekend.

Winter Storm Jonas.

People seemed torn over whether they should cater their cultural references to the now defunct Jonas Brothers — damn it Nick Jonas, why’d you have to break free and make it big? — or the classic Weezer song.

But how about some love for Jonas Salk, the man who invented the polio vaccine? Dude should have his own freaking day on the calendar. So when there’s a storm that bears his name, we can’t even give him a shout out? For shame.

Jonas.jpegAnyway, one of the reasons I didn’t think to talk about Jonas yesterday is because, frankly, I didn’t think it was a big deal.

Now don’t get me wrong. It was a massive storm. It dropped more than two feet of snow on several states, was accompanied by fierce, damaging winds, and resulted in the death of more than 40 people.

Indeed, it was the second-biggest storm in New York City history, and broke records elsewhere. For proof, check out this cool time lapse video of a street in the Upper East Side becoming inundated with snow in just 90 seconds.

It also resulted in the cancellation of a Bruce Springsteen concert. When the Boss can’t even play, you know it’s bad.

However, the storm didn’t disrupt me personally because not only did we have ample warning of it, but it occurred on a Saturday. I accepted the fact that I was going to be staying in that day, and consequently, I had a nice, enjoyable day of watching movies and reading.

It was like any other lazy Saturday, except this time there was a blizzard outside. Then Sunday I woke up and dug out. The next day, I went to work like any other Monday.

Not very dramatic.

But clearly I was in the minority where I live. I can’t speak for anywhere else, but people here in Long Island, New York freak out at the mere threat of a snowstorm. It borders on mass hysteria. They stock up on batteries, frozen food, milk, water, gasoline, you name it.

And that’s mainly because the region is full of middle- and upper-middle class people who can’t even imagine a day without bare essentials. I, on the other hand, am a simple man who does not require much.

Essentially, I got to lie around and do nothing all day, and have a perfectly good excuse for it. So not only was Jonas not an inconvenience for me, it was actually a welcoming presence.

Jonas, I don’t care what anyone else says, I’d swipe right on you any day.

B.o.B believes the Earth is flat

That headline isn’t even meant to be a punch line or anything. It’s just a flat-out (pun intended) truthful observation that came to the light on the Internet today. No jokes are required. It speaks for itself.

B.o.B, who had a couple of hits a few years ago — most notably the one about how he can’t seem to tell the difference between airplanes and shooting stars — and hasn’t really been heard from since.

Until Monday.

BoB.jpgCall it drugs, call it dementia, or call it simply a lack of intelligence, but the 28-year-old rapper went on a Twitter crusade to convince the world that the Earth is not round, but flat. You know, like how they believed it to be more than 500 years ago.

B.o.B posted what he believed to be convincing evidence on social media to disprove what has long been accepted as an established fact. His biggest argument? He can’t see the curve of the Earth, so it must not exist.

His proclamations gained so much attention that it warranted a response from the world’s most media-savvy scientist, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

People are going to think this is funny. And it is. But moreover, it’s scary. Because there are too many people out there who reject established science, and by doing so, obstruct progress. Like climate change, for example.

How can we save our planet when the thing that’s destroying it is still not accepted by people in our own government?

Indeed, there’s still some people out there who don’t believe in evolution.

I thought that if we could close the book on any former scientific controversy, it was the debate as to whether the Earth was flat or round. Because I’m pretty sure my pet goldfish can answer that question.

But thanks to B.o.B, the issue has returned. At least for a day.

There’s a part of me that wishes we lived in post-World War II East Germany, where people could be imprisoned for saying stupid things. With a series of tweets, B.o.B may have convinced a few highly impressionable minds that they could fall off the face of the Earth if they travel far enough.

What’s next? Is Fetty Wap going to believe the Earth does not orbit around the sun?

Will Earl Sweatshirt tell us there is no real relation between space and time?

And has Meek Mill discovered the Loch Ness Monster?

I really hope that last one isn’t true. Because I want to be the one who discovers Nessie. It’s kind of my life dream.

And I made a pledge a long time ago that Meek Mill will not stop me from my dreams. Dammit, Meek Mill. Not again.

Not this time.

RIP ‘That’s what she said’

I was out with friends last weekend when somebody uttered a harmless remark that carried an unintended sexual innuendo.

Upon him saying it, something familiar stirred inside me. It wasn’t an instinctive reaction, but I thought about it for a second, and before I knew what was happening, I said the four magic words: That’s what she said.

As soon as the words left my mouth, it was like reuniting with an old friend. One that I used to be extremely close with, but had not seen in a long time. It brought back a nice sense of nostalgia.

With that, however, also came the realization that I had not said those four words in succession in quite a while. And that night, I decided, “That’s what she said” is dead.

That's what she saidIt had a good run. Popularized by Steve Carell’s fictional boss character Michael Scott on the NBC sitcom, “The Office,” the phrase became the operative punch line — mostly among men — in all different types of contexts: at the bar, at work, at home, it didn’t matter.

But its time has passed. And who knows, maybe’s it not dead. Perhaps now that I’m getting older, I’ve finally just matured and realized it’s not very becoming for someone who is nearing their 30s to say in public.

Nah. Who am I kidding. That’s definitely not it.

Perhaps it was so popular for so long, that the people who did say it with regularity have, at this point, literally heard every possible innuendo in every possible situation that it’s not even worth saying anymore. At least, I think that’s the case with me.

I first devoted a blog post to it on Sept. 29, 2011. I remember it well. It was a cloudy day and the seas were raging. Actually, that’s a lie. I have no idea what the weather was, I just feel like that’s the way you’re supposed to begin every story when you’re remembering a specific day in the past.

Ironically, I began that post more than four years ago by saying, “Does this phrase ever get old? Like, ever? The answer is no.”

Hey, it turns out I can be wrong sometimes. I also probably never believed I’d still be blogging almost five years later to actually prove myself wrong.

So allow me to say farewell to arguably the most stupid, immature, overdone joke that’s existed in the last 10 years.

But one that brought me — and many others who spent their 20s stuck in a perpetual state of adolescence — a lot of pleasure.

That’s what she said.

I don’t like not knowing how many planets there are

I grew up understanding that Pluto was our solar system’s ninth planet.

By the time I got to college, students were being taught that there were only eight planets, and that Pluto is actually a “dwarf planet.”

In the near future, kids may be growing up learning that there are, once again, nine planets.

Scientists believe they have discovered compelling evidence of a celestial object that may fit the criteria of a planet. It’s estimated to be 20 billion miles away from the sun at its closest point in orbit, and 100 billion miles away at its furthest. By contrast, Pluto is 4.6 billion miles away. The potential new planet would take between 10,000 to 20,000 years to orbit the sun.

Planet 9Now I understand that our solar system and galaxy — let alone the entire universe — is pretty frickin’ big, but I feel like the number of planets is something that should stay constant.

A lot of things do change in life; our jobs, our relationships, our physical appearances, etc. It would be nice if I could go my entire life comfortably knowing exactly how many planets there are.

Science is forever changing. I know that. This is more of a selfish request than anything. But if there are any universal truths in the world, planets should be one of them.

It would be like being told how may presidents there were, and then one day, the history community says, “You know what? That James Garfield guy, yeah, he doesn’t count anymore. Just gonna cross him off the list.”

And just like that, he’s gone.

Or if some type of international fairy tale association added an eighth dwarf to Snow White’s clan. (If so, allow me to recommend the name “Trumpy,” the egotistical, maniacal, narrow-minded dwarf with orange hair who is hated by all. Kids have to know.)

Why don’t the people get to have a say before these experts decide to rewrite our entire childhood education? Where was the public input session prior to Pluto’s abolishing?

It would have given me the opportunity to write an emotionally driven, impassioned speech about why I would like to see Pluto stay. It would have involved absolutely no scientific reasoning, but rather, it would have been a sympathetic plea that tugged at the heartstrings.

On that same level, I’d like to know more about this mysterious ninth planet before it’s put on the same plane as Earth, Mars and Neptune. Because I don’t trust it. It’s lurking in the shadows, it’s gone billions of years without being discovered, and it’s not a planet that Matt Damon would easily be able to survive in if he got stranded there.

You know what? That should be the new criteria. Send Matt Damon there, and if he finds his way home, then it’s a planet.

What to name the program?

The Bourne Interplanetary.

The heartwarming story of the cat who looks like Adam Driver

All right, I’m going to count down from five right now, and if no major celebrity dies during that time, I’m going to go ahead with my intended feel-good post about a cat finding a home.

5…4…3…2…1.

You guys don’t know this, but in the middle of typing those numbers I walked away to get a cookie.

But let’s proceed.

Adam Driver has made big waves recently. He got his break as a recurring character on the HBO show “Girls,” and also landed supporting roles in a bunch of movies over the last couple of years.

But it was last month when he became a household name as everyone watched him portray the villain Rylo Ken in the new Star Wars, which I somehow have still yet to see. He also hosted Saturday Night Live this past weekend.

Adam Driver cat
There’s something inherently likable about Adam Driver. He’s weird, kinda kooky, free-spirited and has an awkward physical appearance. In many regards, he’s very anti-Hollywood, and that’s probably what makes people identify with him.

Someone like Ryan Gosling can never be universally loved because too many men hate how good-looking he is, and the fact that they will never be as attractive as him. With Adam Driver, that sense of intimidation is nonexistent because the dude just looks like a young Jack Sparrow.

Indeed, his awkward features became the source of a great viral story that popped up in the last few days, when a girl tweeted on Saturday a picture of a cat in a New Jersey animal shelter that bared a striking resemblance towards one Adam Driver.

And she’s right. It’s uncanny. Rylo Ken.jpg

The tweet quickly spread, was covered by major news hubs, and before long, there was an outpouring of requests from animal lovers who wanted to adopt the cat, which went by the name “Corey.”

Lo and behold, by Tuesday, the cat had found a home. The story was posted on EliteDaily, by none other than the executive editor of the website, who described her emotional tale: she was told Corey had already been adopted, only to be informed the family changed its mind. Upon traveling to the shelter, another woman beat her there, but ultimately backed out. Adam Driver Cat was hers.

The cat also already has an Instagram page.

So to all the animals out there, here’s a word to the wise: disguise yourself as a well-known celebrity, and you automatically increase your chances of finding a loving home.

Or just meow a lot. That always helps me get what I want.

And that’s all for me today. Come back again tomorrow everyone for some more fun stuff. Please?

Meow?