You are now free to move about the country. Except to South America.

If you thought Americans were wildly indifferent to the Ebola epidemic a year ago, wait until you see how we’re reacting to the Zika virus.

The mosquito-borne disease, which is tearing through South America and has been declared a global emergency by the World Health Organization, has already affected millions of people.

It’s especially hitting hard in Brazil, where an estimated 1.5 million people have caught the disease.

Now, the effects of the virus are still not totally known. It’s widely suspected that it causes serious birth defects in newborn children, and, unfortunately, there’s no vaccine for it.

Zika Virus.jpgThe Brazilian government has already recommended its citizens not to procreate for the next several months. That’s a serious problem, considering the 2016 Summer Olympics are set to take place there in six months.

And if there’s anything we’ve learned in the past Olympic games, it’s that the hosting country becomes a haven for sexual activity.

In the words of Astro from the Jetsons: Rut-roh!

Meanwhile, in El Salvador, where some 2,500 people have been affected thus far, government officials are telling women not to have children for two years. It’s kind of a dick move considering that abortion is a crime in El Salvador — as well as in many other South American countries — punishable of two to eight years in prison.

In the words of Shaggy from Scooby Doo: Zoinks!

And yet, there’s only some 40 cases in the United States so far, so we have the privilege of hearing about this disease and simply offering a collective shrug.

In fact, the biggest side effect — or should I say inconvenience — it has on our nation is it’s causing people to cancel their travel plans to the Caribbean, Mexico and Central America.

So to that group of collegians who were planning on that epic Spring Break trip to Cancun this March to be a life-defining trip and one final hurrah before entering the real world, well, in the words of Nelson from the Simpsons: Ha ha!

The real winner in all of this? South American virgins. Hey, now you actually have an excuse! I knew you guys would prevail in the end! High five!

But you know what, maybe the joke really is on us. South America will battle through — just like how west Africa finally overcame Ebola; granted a much deadlier disease that killed more than 10,000 people — and meanwhile, the U.S. will still remain the country that essentially elects its presidential nominees by the flip of a coin. Like, literally.

Oh well. I’m just mad because I was planning to invite Taylor Swift to join me on a Bahamas getaway this summer. And now I can’t, all because of the Zika virus.

I’m sure she would have accepted.

But now we’ll never know.


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