I think fast food chains are competing to see who kills us first

Sometimes I think chefs who work at fast food restaurants get together in a room and laugh their asses off by coming up with the most far-fetched, preposterous ideas that they could think of.

They take a look at the ingredients in front of them, and basically just try to one-up each other. Each idea is more outrageous than the next.

It’s like a group of stoners in college just thinking of all the most greasy, unhealthy foods they could combine into one dish to satisfy their hunger.

Except with fast food chains, one of those ideas actually sticks every now and then.

Let’s take a look back at recent in history. In 2013, Taco Bell introduced the Doritos Taco. There’s no way that wasn’t invented by a high person.

Not long after, Krispy Kreme put a sloppy joe sandwich inside of a doughnut. That monstrosity was followed by KFC’s decision to sell a cheese doughnut.

Last year, for no reason that ever seemed necessary, McDonalds decided to make their quarter-pounders bigger. Just for fun. Because the normal-sized quarter-pounder wasn’t harming us enough.


I understand why these things happen. These questionable menu additions gain attention and publicity.

And it’s also understood that no one has to eat these things. If you make the decision to try one of these menu items, and then subsequently drive to the restaurant and order it, then you deserve your fate and you probably don’t even care.

But in a nation afflicted with obesity problems, and where heart disease is runing rampant, these restaurants certainly are not helping.

And yet, that’s not going to stop anybody. It’s Burger King’s time to get in on the fun.

Coming to a location near you is the new Extra Long Buttery Cheeseburger — a double-patty cheeseburger that’s smothered in butter.

It wasn’t enough for Burger King to make a sandwich featuring two patties lying consecutively on a large hoagie, but it had to be dripping with butter, too. They really did not hold anything back with this one.

Nobody can really make excuses when they choose to eat this. For a Big Mac, or a burrito from Taco Bell, you could just say you had “the crave.”

But if you walk into a Burger King and order an extra long cheeseburger slathered with butter, it’s basically conceding the fact that you’ve just given up.

Although, the more I think about it, choosing between a Doritos taco, a sloppy joe doughnut, a cheese doughnut, an extra-large quarter pounder and a double-pattied buttery burger is still a much more enjoyable decision — and better for your stomach — than picking between Donald Trump and Ted Cruz.

High cholesterol is a small price to pay to keep those men as far away from the White House as possible.


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