Who Obama really should have nominated for the Supreme Court

What a crazy day, right? Everywhere you turned there was chatter about who President Obama nominated for the Supreme Court. It was the only thing anyone talked about today and it almost seemed like nothing else in the world even happened besides that!

Oh. What’s that you say? You all have actual lives and aren’t really all that invested in this stuff?

I wonder what that’s like.

Merrick Garland.jpg

But anyway, whether you care about it or not, you probably did hear about it as some point today. Despite threats from Republican leaders that they would not even consider a nomination for the Supreme Court following last month’s death of Antonin Scalia, Obama went ahead with his Constitutional obligations and selected one anyway.

His selection of Merrick Garland, a 63-year-old, highly respected, centrist judge on the U.S. Court of Appeals, who over his 19-year career as a federal judge has earned praise from both sides of the political aisle, is a typical, savvy Obama move.

It’s as fair of a choice at it gets, and dares Republicans to live up to their promise to obstruct any nomination.

And while I think Mr. Garland is perfectly fine, I think Obama could have done better. Indeed, I even made a list recently of who I think should have been considered.

And I’m more than happy to share it with you.

Barack Obama.pngBarack Obama

What better way for Obama to give the middle finger to Republican legislators, who have done everything in their power to make his presidency as miserable as possible the last eight years, than to nominate himself?

And on top of that, he’s qualified for the job! He’s a graduate of Harvard Law School and taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School for 12 years.

Plus, how awesome would it have been if he stood in the White House Rose Garden and announced, “My nomination for the U.S. Supreme Court is … me.” And then dropped the mic, ripped off his suit to reveal a judge’s robe while the entrance music for Stone Cold Steve Austin played in the background?

Missed opportunity. #ThanksObama.

Saul GoodmanSaul Goodman

Maybe you don’t appreciate the way he goes about his business, but the man knows how to get things done. He’s a fixer. And let’s face it, if he could keep Walter White out of trouble, then I think we can safely say America is in good hands if he’s the one making all of our important decisions.

Yes, I am aware that he is a television show character, but I’ve thought about this. We’ll let Bob Odenkirk sit on the bench, but he must remain in method as Saul Goodman every second he is on the job.

We can arrange it around his “Better Call Saul” schedule, because we ain’t canceling that shit, Supreme Court nominee or not.

2 Chainz.jpg2 Chainz

I’ll admit I know very little about this man, but there is no question that the court could use a little more diversity. Clarence Thomas is getting a little lonely up there.

And who better to be the standard-bearer of our country’s judicial process than a man named 2 Chainz? I mean, I’m sure he named himself that out of nothing but sheer respect and admiration for our country’s penal system.

Also, don’t lie. You’d pay money to hear a law clerk say “All rise for The Honorable 2 Chainz” every time he entered a court room.

The Bill from School House RockBillSHR.jpg

This character represents most people’s first introduction into the legal process. We sang along. We danced. We even still look it up on YouTube every now and then out of nostalgia.

He’s not only an icon of American law, but he’s so beloved that there is just no way — no way — the Republicans could have rejected him if he was nominated. The public outcry would have been too great.

The protests at Trump rallies would have nothing on this.

Burrito Supreme.jpgA burrito supreme

Let’s all be real. When we hear the word “supreme,” we don’t first think about the Supreme Court.

Rather, our mouths begin watering at the thought of a burrito supreme from Taco Bell. That savory, meaty substance they tell us is beef, layered with allegedly fresh tomatoes, lettuce and cheese topped with a white substance I truly hope is sour cream. How can anybody resist?

Taco Bell is America. Nothing would have bridged the political divide in our country more than this.

But, alas, Obama chose to gloss over these surefire options and choose a man named Merrick Garland.

That name sounds so dull that Republicans won’t choose not to vote on him out of ideology, but instead, they’ll just lose interest in him before they even finish saying it aloud.

It bears repeating.

Thanks Obama.

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