There’s a lot of things that people universally hate in this world. ISIS. Justin Bieber before his latest album. When your sock comes off inside of your shoe. Traffic jams. Crying babies on an airplane. Crying babies in general.
And let’s face it. It’s fun to irrationally hate things. We all have a lot of pent-up energy inside and need to expel it on somebody or something. And it’s even more fun to do it when that thing or person can’t hate you back.
You should never take out your anger on your friends. Because that’s when you damage important relationships and negatively impact your life.
But when you focus your hatred on something completely irrational, like pollen, or the word “bae,” then it’s harmless. And even therapeutic.
And yet, of all the irrational things to hate, there’s something I think gets overlooked because it’s so commonplace and ubiquitous in this world — the wind.
Seriously. Screw the wind. I hate it. Everything about it.
Here in New York, the wind has been absolutely out of control the last several days. It’s been so noisy that it’s been making it extra difficult to sleep at night, and it’s been so powerful that it’s become dangerous to even go outside.
Wind gusts in mountainous regions have exceeded 60 mph recently. Two people in Massachusetts actually died on Sunday because the wind knocked a tree over and onto the car they were in. The wind is killing people.
I don’t think the wind gets as much hate as it should. Who even benefits from it, besides sailors? If terminating the wind only upsets the sailors of the world, then I think we’re all in pretty good shape.
And I’ve long held beef with the wind. This is not reactionary. As a frequent outdoor runner for the last eight-plus years, even the lightest of breezes causes a major inconvenience. There have been times when I’ve swore aloud when I was running because the wind was ruining my pace.
You know what else the wind causes? Tornadoes. Dust storms. And somehow, someway, I’m certain it caused the death of John F. Kennedy. One day, I’ll figure out how.
Yea, I hear what you’re saying: “But what about when there’s a light, refreshing sea breeze on a hot summer day! Those are wonderful!”
If you’re saying those words, you’re probably in somewhere like Hawaii or California, and you earn none of my sympathy.
In a world where hardly anyone agrees on anything, it’s about time we put our collective energies into something meaningful.
And that’s why I am officially kicking off the American Anti-Wind campaign. Because as well all know, the wind contributes nothing to positive to our socie–
Wait, what’s that you’re saying?
Windmills? And wind power? As in, replacing fossil fuels and one day saving the planet?
Well that, uh…. it… shit.
Fine. Wind can stay.