Meet the new face of the $20 bill. Hint: it’s a woman.

What makes the Weinblog extra special is that we don’t just talk about interesting topics in the news and never return to them again. The last thing I’d ever want to do is leave you hanging.

It’s one thing to hear about something and become informed, but at the end of the day, we want the resolution, damn it. There’s nothing worse than unresolved drama. Nothing.

Well, maybe chlamydia.

Speaking of which …Johnny Depp. Last time his name popped up here was in May 2015, when I couldn’t help but voice my amazement when the Australian government made him extradite his dogs from their country because he flew them in without declaring them.

Depp HeardAustralia is apparently very careful about preventing disease. So careful that they actually threatened to kill his dogs if he didn’t remove them from the Land Down Under. Facing that prospect, Depp promptly had his dogs flown back home, probably in a much more luxurious way than any of us would ever travel from Australia to the U.S.

Well, 11 months later, Depp and his extremely hot wife, Amber Heard, issued an apology. And it’s just awkward.

Upon watching it, two thoughts came to my mind. First, this initially struck me as a possible case of Stockholm Syndrome. Somehow they were brainwashed by Australian officials and were led to believe that biosecurity was truly the most important thing in the world. The emotionless way they delivered this message was just eerie. I’m half expecting a sequel tomorrow where the couple will convince me to join the Church of Scientology.

But then it dawned on me that they were clearly ordered by Australia to do this to avoid being charged for criminal activity. And as a result, you have the most insincere apology in the history of the world.

This apology means even less than the instinctive “sorry” we mumble after we bump shoulders with someone on a crowded sidewalk.

Nonetheless, as Justin Bieber has taught us, it’s never to late to say you’re sorry.

And let’s wrap up today with another news update that will allow us to carry women around in our pocket.

Remember the movement last year to put a woman on the $20? Well — it’s finally Harriet Tubmanhappening! We did it! Change happened!

Seriously, when we’re on the cusp of electing our country’s first female president, this feels like the smallest victory in the history of activism.

But at least they made a solid choice in Harriet Tubman, a former slave and abolitionist, who was also a Union spy during the Civil War.

What I found most amusing was the incredible backlash the U.S. Treasury received when they first announced that a woman will be put on the $10 rather than the $20, replacing Alexander Hamilton, who was not only the first Secretary of Treasury, but who has become an increasingly popular figure more than 200 years after his death thanks to the outrageous success of a Broadway show that bears his name.

The Treasury made the right choice in the end, though, sacking Andrew Jackson from the $20, who was not only a slave owner, but was not too kind to Native Americans, either.

And in an age where paper money is being phased out by credit cards, that Harriet Tubman-labeled bill will mostly surface during the most common cash-only transactions, like ransoms, drug deals and to be slipped into the g-string of a pole-dancing stripper.

In other words, it will get plenty of use.

 

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