When a Harry Potter character threatens to ruin your Labor Day weekend

There’s only so many weekends that one gets to circle on the calendar as an opportunity to step away from it all and relax.

Half of the big six federal holidays — Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s — usually revolve around big festivities and rituals that require planning.

But Labor Day weekend, which begins on Friday, is one that basically mandates us to do nothing. To just sit back and enjoy ourselves.

It’s a glorious concept.

Naturally, given the extra day off, most people plan to get the hell out of dodge. Why stay home when the long weekend affords you the opportunity to go somewhere new and have some fun?

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That’s exactly what I plan to do. For years, I have heard about this wonderful place in southern Maryland called Ocean City. It’s a beach town where a lot of partying takes place.

Months ago, I finally made the decision to check it out, thanks to a couple of friends who made their own plans to go and invited me to tag along. I’ve been excited for weeks.

And then what happens? A hurricane suddenly emerges, on course to thrash into Florida and head straight up the east coast — straight towards Ocean City.

To make matters worse, the Hurricane has the same name as a character from my all-time favorite book series: Harry Potter.

I feel betrayed. I feel ambushed.

I feel like the universe is working against me.

Of all characters, too, it has to be Hermione that ruins mine and so many other people’s weekends. The one who’s played in the movie adaptations by the lovely Emma Watson. It’s just not fair.

Hermione could have landed on Monday. But no. Why would the universe be that generous? Let’s have it be not only on a Friday, but the Friday of Labor Day weekend.

From this day forward, I will never read a Harry Potter book again. I will never acknowledge that I ever loved the books. Nor will I ever watch another movie featuring Emma Watson.

J.K Rowling, you are dead to me.

*Somebody comes over and whispers something into my ear*

Wait, what’s that you say? It’s not hurricane Hermione?

It’s Hurricane Hermine?

Oh.

Hermine

My sincerest apologies to Harry Potter and everyone else I insulted in the last five minutes.

In all seriousness though, let’s all collectively pray tonight that this hurricane miraculously changes course and goes out to sea. Let’s not have it ruin Labor Day weekend for the entire east coast. K?

This is also a good time to note that I recently finished Harry Potter and the Cursed child, the play adaptation that is being marketed as the “eighth Harry Potter book.”

All I can say is that to consider it a continuation of the original series is a massive insult. The whole thing — which wasn’t even penned by J.K. Rowling — came off as mediocre fan fiction and I had half a mind to put it down within the first 50 pages.

Fortunately, it did improve as the story progressed, and altogether, I enjoyed reading it. But Harry Potter fans — lower your expectations, and definitely do not expect it to be in line with books one through seven. You have been warned.

And Hermine: step off, bitch.

Happy Labor Day weekend, everyone!

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