Wells Fargo and ‘Brangelina’

My absence on Wednesday can be explained by my return to my college glory days, in Binghamton, N.Y., where I visited for a day and a half for a work trip.

It’s been years since I’ve officially “missed” college, mainly because I’ve finally accepted that those days are long over and that I had no choice but to put it behind me.

I was a goofball back then, with few responsibilities and little motivation, and while not much has changed, I can safely say I do feel like a completely different person than my college self.

Thus, it was an incredibly eerie feeling being back, almost like I was in an alternate universe where my slightly more mature and responsible self was crossing paths with my moronic, Keystone Light-guzzling self.

But what did I miss while I was gone?

Ah, Wells Fargo Chairman and CEO John Stumpf was grilled in Washington D.C. during a stumpfSenate hearing, most notably by Democratic hero Elizabeth Warren.

As most of you know, the bank was fined $185 million for years of illegal activity where its tellers were opening sham accounts for its customers in order to meet impossibly high goals set by their supervisors.

The bank responded by firing thousands of low-level employees, using them as scapegoats, while the high ranking executives, like Stumpf, kept their jobs and get to keep the millions of dollars that they profited from their stock options as a result of the scandal.

Sounds about right.

People already have very unfavorable attitudes towards banks. But we also know that our economy is built on big banks and that they are a necessary evil.

Forget throwing bankers in jail. That will never happen anyway. But for once, it would be nice if a banking executive just admitted they were wrong, and said they are sorry.

Just once. My gut says it will not happen.

Meanwhile, all is not Wells for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, who apparently will Fargo the rest of their marriage.*

I starred that because it means it’s officially in contention for my worst joke of all time.

The couple, whose 12-year-relationship took on an almost mythic quality, is splitting up. A child abuse allegation that is reportedly being investigated may or may not have been a factor.

But it appears to be the end of “Brangelina.”

brangelina

Normally I don’t waste my time talking about celebrity breakups not involving Taylor Swift, but this is too big to ignore. It involved two of our country’s prettiest people. And if two extremely good looking people can not make it, then who can?!

Because this is America. We don’t marry out of love. Or compatibility.

We marry up. We find the best looking person who somehow finds us presentable, and we showcase them like they’re a gold medal in the Hot Wife Olympics.

But now Brangelina has failed, and the entire institution of marriage has been upended.

And I’ll say one last thing. I actually liked By the Sea. Even if I was the only one.

Though I might as Wells admit I liked the movie Fargo better.

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