New Year’s Eve is the time when we get to relive our youth. As all humans will learn, when you approach 30 years old, you will lose your desire to stay out very late.
Suddenly, the idea of hopping on a westbound train to New York City at 10 p.m. sounds unconscionable.
In fact, at that time, you’re already fantasizing about being in bed within the hour so you can get a good night’s rest and an early start tomorrow.
It’s lame. But it’s reality.
On New Year’s, however, all bets are off. No matter how old you are, you will plan to party, and not worry about what time you hit the sack.
Even better, there’s really no limit to how much you can drink. If you get sloppy drunk on New Year’s Eve, absolutely no one is going to judge you. It’s essentially a free pass.
So I hope a lot of you made it a night to remember. And if you did get a bit sloppy, then who cares? In fact, you can take solace in one single fact.
You did not have a worse night than Mariah Carey.
Her meltdown was so hard on New Year’s Eve, that it occurred to me that I was wrong when I said there would be no more celebrity casualties in 2016.
Because minutes before 2017, Mariah Carey’s career died.
And I know that the year has already started off on a somber note. A terrorist attack in Istanbul killing more than three dozen people; partisan squabbling on Capitol Hill on the first day of the congressional session; a Long Island Rail Road derailment injuring more than 100 in Brooklyn.
But the fact that more people were inclined to discuss Mariah Carey instead of those things is indicative of our appetite for the mundane. No one wants to talk about death or political turmoil if they can avoid it. We want entertainment gossip, dammit.
And preferably, we want it at somebody’s expense. Am I right, Steve Harvey?
You all saw Mariah’s meltdown. And I understand that it probably wasn’t even her fault – there were technical difficulties and she decided to improvise rather than deliver a subpar vocal performance, given the circumstances.
Nonetheless, Mariah Carey is the clear loser in the public eye, and on top of her disastrous performance at the Rockefeller Christmas tree lighting two years ago, she’s redefining herself as an aging pop diva who can no longer cut it. Her New Year’s Eve fiasco may very well end up in the same breath as Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction (side note: how did Justin Timberlake get off so easy on that?) and Ashlee Simpson’s Saturday Night Live jig.
I’m sorry, Mariah. I know you’ve had an illustrious career and your vocal cords have clearly taken a toll from decades of performing. It’s only natural. But right now, after the 2016 we went through, we need somebody who we can universally gang up on.
Talking about how bad you sounded is not controversial. It doesn’t involve divulging one’s political affiliation.
Democrats and Trump supporters agree: you sucked.
And in no time, we will long for the time when the most hotly discussed topic was Mariah Carey.
So thank you, Mariah, for this distraction.
Let’s hope the rest of 2017 is equally as boring.
(It won’t be.)