Happy government shutdown eve everybody! It’s literally a federal holiday.
Government joke! *pushes up eyeglasses and gives a high five to absolutely no one*
While Donald Trump and Republican lawmakers perilously navigate their way towards passing a budget that hinges on a controversial health plan, I thought we’d use this crisp Thursday night to catch up on other assorted items happening throughout.
No matter how bad you’re 2017 is going, and no matter how miserably you have failed to maintain your New Year’s resolution, you can take solace in knowing that it’s only April and yet, it’s still impossible for you to have a worse year than United Airlines.
You can get dumped by your longtime girlfriend this year, and your year still wouldn’t be as bad.
You can get fired from your job, and your year still wouldn’t be as bad.
You can murder two people at the same time with a sledgehammer and your year still wouldn’t —
OK, maybe that’s too far.
What did United Airlines do this time? Well, they’re facing outrage after a three-foot rabbit, who was supposedly in perfect health, died on one of its flights.
The continental giant rabbit, named Simon, is an ancient breed that is supposedly very friendly and intelligent.
At least this time a security official didn’t physically beat the rabbit and drag its bloody body off the plane. So … progress, I guess?
While we mourn Simon, I’d like to wrap up this week by addressing two separate comebacks this week by some of my favorite women.
The first triumphant return was Russian goddess and tennis star Maria Sharapova, who, like me, joined the 30-year-old club recently, and who is playing in her first tournament since her suspension for using a drug that was banned only right before she tested positive for it.
If you remember, her initial two-year suspension was reduced to 15 months following an appeal. She’s back now, and Maria won her first two matches in the Porsche Tennis Grand Prix in Stuttgart, Germany this week. Some of her fellow competitors have had some harsh words for her, but I don’t care. I have been a staunch Sharapova fan for about 10 years, and she can do no wrong.
Besides being suspended 15 months for doping.
Lastly, one of my favorite bands, Haim, is back in the news today as they released their first new song in four years. The rock-n’-roll sister trio spent the last four years touring their old stuff and partying with Taylor Swift, and now they’re bound to become as popular as ever with this new release.
Which, I admit, merely scratches the surface of what these women are capable of. Consider it a teaser. I saw them live three times last summer, and they played some new stuff that sounded awesome.
So the best is yet to come.
In conclusion, Haim is the best, and you heard it here first.
Have a good weekend everybody.