My life is now in high definition

Has there ever been a more unnecessary Groundhog Day in the history of mankind?

Normally, on the second day of February, we are all tired and fed up of the snow, freezing winds and subzero temperatures. So when Groundhog Day comes around, we are looking for anything, anything, that might give us the slightest glimmer of hope that nice weather is on the way. As a result, we sit around like idiots watching the news ticker to see whether Punxsutawney Phil saw his goddamn shadow or not.

But those days are over. Sorry Phil, but global warming has taken over, and your services are no longer needed. This year, when Phil emerges from his burrow, I say that somebody just offs him. Seriously, what use do we have anymore for that overstuffed hamster?

Woah, woah, woah! I’m sorry, buddy. I was just kidding! I didn’t mean it, I swear. Put the gun down, there is no need for that. Let’s not get all middle east up in here.

Speaking of which, what the hell is wrong with Egypt? You guys just won the hearts of the world by undergoing one of the most successful and resilient rebellions of our lifetimes, while overthrowing a dictator and gaining your independence.

And then, not even a year later, you guys riot… over a soccer game.

I mean, sure, I know what it’s like when your favorite team loses. Sometimes I’ll throw my remote across the room, sometimes I’ll say something nasty to someone in the heat of the moment, and sometimes I’ll even cry.

But, start a riot that results in 73 deaths and several hundred injuries? Hmm, even I think that is a little overboard, and I’m a Mets fan.

But the point is, this will not silence critics who were against the thought process that countries could start anew and recreate their civilization on their own. Does America have to intervene, guys? Do we have to babysit for you? I hope not, because we all saw how that went in Iraq.

Maybe we should send in that groundhog assassin to restore order. I think he can do it.

Anyway, so today, finally, I embraced the technological era and set up my 32″ LED flat-screen. It’s a lot harder than you think, and while I was doing it, I kept complaining aloud how difficult it is, and how long it took for the picture to become crisp. Is there ever a more first-world problem then complaining about the crispness on your high-definition flat-screen television? But God dammit, I want clarity!

So, chalk me up as one of those people who, in a few days from now, will be uttering the words, “Man, how did I ever live without high-definition” at some point. But it’s going to take a little bit of time to get used to.

However, it’ll be a totally different experience to watch sports, movies and most importantly, porn.

It’s not like I’ve never seen high-definition before, I’m not a third-world orphan — most of my friends have flat screens — , but I’ve never had a flat-screen in my own living quarters. It’s going to be like a parallel universe! And it’s totally going to reinvent my sex life!

Yeah, you’re probably right.

The Worst Day of the Year… For Some

Imagine waking up this morning, and thinking about what you will have to do to get through the day. For you, it’s not about looking ahead to the spring, or even to the weekend, but simply just surviving this frosty, snow-filled winter day.

You want to get started early and gather enough nuts and berries to feed yourself and your winter. you have some stored away, but it is not enough.

However, today is different. While you normally going unnoticed, today, that is not the case. Sure, sometimes those strangers from above will point at you and remark how you cute-looking you are. But, other than that, they’ll pay you no mind. And they certainly won’t help you.

But, today, all you want to do is find a nice patch of grass, and maybe, if you’re lucky, you’ll find a bush swarming with fresh berries at your disposal. That would be the jackpot. You could live almost a week off that. Then have to do it again.

You won’t be able to do it today. As soon as you wake up, you hear a loud chatter from above. It’s not something that you’re accustomed. Every now and then you’ll hear it, but it’s been awhile.

And then you remember. A while ago, you went to leave your house and found yourself surrounded by hundreds of those creatures from above. They are way bigger than you, and you had no idea what they were. They were holding all types of weird contraptions and pointing them all at you. You never felt so scared in your life. Immediately, your heart pounding, you scampered back into your hole, too terrified to reemerge until you were completely sure they were gone.

Hopefully, that is not what is happening again. You begin to step slowly towards the entrance to the hole, and the chatter grows louder. You become frightful. As soon as you become visible from above ground, the chatter gets even louder, and your heart starts beating again. What do these people want with me?

You stick your head out, and pandemonium strikes. Blinking lights are everywhere, and hundreds of sets of eyes are transfixed on you. What did I do to deserve this?

Before you know it, one of them is coming at you, and picks you up. Let me go, is all that you’re thinking, while frantically swinging your arms and legs to no avail. Is the end? Are they going to hurt me?

The creature starts speaking, but you have no idea what they’re saying. You’ve never been more overwhelmed in your life. This is not what you are used to.

Finally, without even realizing, you find yourself back on the ground again, and you have only one thought. Get back in the hole. Without hesitation, you run back into your hole, and you stay there. You’re back to where it safe.

There’s no way you’re going to go back up there. Oh well, you think, I guess me and my family aren’t going to eat today.

And so is the life of a groundhog on February 2nd. We torture those poor creatures every Groundhogs Day. All for our entertainment.

Poor little fella.

Newsflash: groundhogs do not control the weather.


Maybe those mischievous creatures do actually have power over our nation’s atmospheric conditions. And they just like to fuck with us as revenge for the way we embarrass them on Groundhogs Day.

Global warming? The groundhogs. The 2004 Tsunami? The groundhogs. The tornado that killed Cary Elwes in Twister? The groundhogs.

Punxsutawney Phil? More like PUNKsutawney KILL.

Next year, I say we eliminate all of the groundhogs! How else will we really know?!

Or maybe… just maybe… they don’t control the weather. I don’t think we’ll ever really know.

Groundhog Day — From the Groundhog’s Perspective.

Mrs. Groundhog: Wake, up sleepyhead!

Mr. Groundhog: Arrrgghh… five more minutes!

Mrs. Groundhog: Absolutely not. You have a long day ahead of you!

Mr. Groundhog: How? I’m a groundhog. All I do is sleep and eat. What can I possibly have to do today?

Mrs. Groundhog: …do you know what today’s date is?

Mr. Groundhog: How should I know? It’s winter… that’s all that matters. Now let me hibernate.

Mrs. Groundhog: it’s February 2nd.

Mr. Groundhog: *immediately bolts upright* What the fuck did you just say?

Mrs. Groundhog: Today is the 2nd of February.

Mr. Groundhog: Mother. Fucker.

Mrs. Groundhog:  Watch your language!

Mr. Groundhog: Already?!?! I feel like we just had Groundhog day!

Mrs. Groundhog: Nope! It’s been a full year.

Mr. Groundhog: fuckin’ fuck! Gotta be kidding me. Stupid goddamn humans and their traditions. Do they actually think that whether I see my shadow or not will determine how long winter goes on for? Seriously, that’s retarded! How in the world did they possibly become the superior beings?! If they didn’t have those opposable thumbs, they’d be our slaves!

Mrs. Groundhog: Somebody’s grumpy this morning! Just get it over with, and before you know it… it’ll be over. Now what would you like for breakfast? Some oatmeal? French Toast?

Mr. Groundhog: Give me some speed.

Mrs. Groundhog: No! No. No. No. You said you quit!

Mr. Groundhog: Relax, relax… I did. I was just kidding.

Mrs. Groundhog: No breakfast for you! You’ll just have to face those humans on an empty stomach!

Mr. Groundhog: What’s with the attitude? Is it your time of the month or something?

*Mrs. Groundhog ignores him*

Mr. Groundhog: Alright, alright… I’m sorry. But yeah, let me get this over with. Thank God those dumb humans don’t understand us and all they here is a loud squeaking noise when we talk, because I’m really gonna give them a piece of my mind.

*Mr. Groundhog walks towards the end of his burrow, takes a deep breath, and leaves his hole. Immediately, he is swarmed by photographers, news reporters, and many other members of the press.*

Mr. Groundhog: Holy shit! They really went all out this year! Must be because of the economy… now they’ll milk any cheerful event that they can. I knew a black president would never work! Do you see any black groundhogs around? Of course not… then the entire animal kingdom would go to shit.

News Reporter: Everybody waits anxiously as to whether Punxsutawney Phil  will see his shadow this year…

Mr. Groundhog:  There’s that stupid goddamn name again! Why do they insist on giving me some type of name. “Punxsutawney Phil?” They couldn’t at least give me something that sounded cooler… like Razor? Or Rocket?

News Reporter: In recent past, the groundhog has seen his shadow, which has been the reason for our long winters!

Mr. Groundhog: No, excessive formation of crystalline water ice within the Earth’s atmosphere has caused the long winters… not a fucking groundhog seeing his shadow. Again… retarded. Just look at these morons, all staring at me with their stupid faces. Man, I just want to punch all of them right in the jaw. And I’ve only pretended to see my shadow just because I want you all to be miserable and think that you will have long winters.

News Reporter: Phil is being extra squeaky this year!

Mr. Groundhog: Yeah, because you’re all invading my fucking privacy! How would you like it if I brought a bunch of groundhogs to your house and watched you in the morning? It’s freakin annoying! Here you can quote me on this: Squak squeak squeak… fuck you!

News Reporter: Aww, look at him… so cute! It’s almost like he’s trying to tell me something!

Mr. Groundhog: Alright, let’s get this over with. Just gotta look down towards my shadow, then run back into my burrow. Then I won’t have to deal with these assholes for another full year…

News Reporter: Ooh, it looks like he’s about to do something! It’s the moment of truth…

Mr. Groundhog:  Wait a minute… I just thought of something… what if I fuck with them this year? They think there’s only two options, that we’re so retarded that we’ll only do two things: either I’ll see my shadow and become scared – and yeah, like my fucking shadow would scare me… I could kick all their asses if I wasn’t so damn lazy – OR, I pretend not to notice my shadow. BUT… what if I did something different this year? How would they react to that…? Ha Ha… let’s see…

News Reporter: And… and… oh my god! It appears that the groundhog is… is… doing the macarena! The groundhog is actually performing the dance to the Macarena! I don’t believe it! This is history that we’re witnessing folks! The Groundhog has neither saw OR ignored his shadow… he’s performing a dance! Who knew that groundhogs were so graceful! And what does this mean for our nation’s weather?!


Katie Couric: this is Katie Couric, reporting for CBS evening news. Everybody’s talking about what happened one hour ago… when Punxsutawney Phil arose from his burrow to perform the macarena. This leaves us with very little idea as to what will happen to our nation’s weather. To help solve the riddle, we have brought in our expert meteorologist, Tom Sanders. Tom… you’re the expert… what do you make of this?

Tom: Katie… this is just amazing. I’ve been conducting endless research for the past hour, I’ve consulted my fellow colleagues in meterology, and I’ve browsed weather reports for the upcoming month. I believe the groundhog was trying to tell us something. This was no random act, but a sign from God. God was speaking to us through Punxsutawney Phil. What Punxsutawney Phil was trying to tell us about the weather by performing the macarena…. Is that the apocalypse is coming. Within weeks, the world will be destroyed by severe weather. Earthquakes, tornadoes, volcanoes, hurricanes… it’s the ONLY explanation. Why else would he act in such a manner?

Katie: My God… you heard it here first, America. The world is coming to an end. I recommend you spend what time we have left with your loved ones… and then just hope for the best. Good night.


Chinese Anchorman: *in chinese* This stunning footage comes from precisely one hour and thirty minutes ago from Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where this dance by the groundhog indicated to us that the world is soon coming to an end. America is already in full panic-mode, and soon enough, China, along with the rest of the world will follow. We are signing off the air now, good day everybody, and god bless.

German Anchorman: *in German* If you thought World War II was bad enough for us… America fucks us again. Their groundhog has single-handedly caused the end of the world, through this bizarre dance seen here. The end is coming folks… and this time, unlike World War II…. We will not recover.

Haitian Anchorman: …you have gotta be kidding me.


Barrack Obama: I am sitting here, in the oval office, speaking to the American public for the last time. According to our nation’s experts, the actions today of Punxsutawney Phil were indicative of a coming apocalypse that will destroy our world as we know it. I never thought I would live to see the day… but the world is ending. Moments after I finish speaking, I will be retreating to my underground bunker. I truly hope that we can survive this. I am confident that we as people can make it through this, and once it’s over, we can begin to rebuild this country. The end may be near… but the results will only be a new beginning. Be safe everyone, and God Bless America. This your president, signing off.

*Mr. Groundhog finishes watching Obama speak from the television in his burrow*

Mr. Groundhog: … Wow. Humans, man…. Could they be any more stupid?