Is it just me or does Christmas shit on Hanukkah more and more every year?

Christmas and Hanukkah share an interesting dynamic. They’re both typically in December. They both involve the exchanging of gifts. And they both have spawned in interfaith households to form the word, “Christmakkah.”

But the big difference is that only one of them is really a major holiday.

Christmas is widely accepted by Catholics to be among the biggest annual celebration of their faith. It’s not quite as important religiously as Rockefeller xmasEaster, but since the two holidays are so far apart in the calendar, they’re basically considered “1A” and “1B.”

Hanukkah, meanwhile, has nothing on Judaism’s two holiest days: Rosh Hoshanah and Yom Kippur. Hanukkah is different enough to have its own unique appeal, but, it’s less than three months after those two holidays, and therefore, it’s a little anticlimactic by the time it rolls around.

That’s the main reason, I think, why Christmas trumps Hanukkah each year in pretty much all facets: music, movies, decorations, pop culture, anticipation, Facebook chatter, you name it.

I mean, come on — there’s no giant menorah in Rockefeller Center, is there?

So while Christmas is always celebrated to the max each year, observers of Hanukkah tend to be a little more subdued, calm and usually downplay the holiday. In fact, I feel it becomes downplayed more and more each year.

Heck, I’ll take it one step further. I don’t even think Jews even try to promote Hanukkah anymore. They’ve just given up. And that was never more evident this year, when Hanukkah arrived early. It started so early that it’s already over on Thursday. In other words, it’s basically going to end before the “holiday season” even begins.

Hanukkah never had a chance this year. It overlapped with not only Thanksgiving, but consumer “holidays” like Black Friday and Cyber Monday. When December rolled around, and people were finally ready to embrace the religious holidays — it was already half over.

Christmas is essentially dominating the entire month of December 2013. In the past, when people talked about holidays that occur this time of the year, they had to remind themselves to include Hanukkah, in order to be politically correct. This year, they didn’t even have to do that.

Even ‘N Sync, in the lead single — called “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” — off their 1998 Christmas album, threw in a line that lazily and backhandedly incorporated Hanukkah. It’s like the band members recorded the song, and at the last second, were like, “Oh shit, we have Jewish fans too. Eh, screw it, let’s just throw in a ‘Happy holidays’ and call it a day.”

This year, we don’t even have to pretend. And the question becomes — will it ever recover?

Already the second-tier, ugly stepchild of the December holidays, I think it’s fair to wonder if people will officially become apathetic towards it moving forward, especially following its massive insignificance this year.

It’s like when the National Hockey League — already the most unpopular of the four major sports — experienced a lockout and was forced to cancel it’s entire 2004-2005 season. It lost major sponsorship, television programming, and most importantly — its worldwide appeal. It took several years for it to recover, and it’s debatable if it even really has.

The same goes for Hanukkah. The holiday essentially had its own “lockout” this year. Except it’s even worse, because it still happened.

Either way, Catholics everywhere can enjoy the monopoly they have on December, and with Christmas a mere three weeks away, it’s safe to finally become giddy. All those — like me — who intentionally avoided gingerbread or peppermint lattes, as well as Christmas music and movies, throughout the month of November out of principle, can finally embrace it.

Because it’s Christmastime.

And I really hope the kind people who selected me to go on a Birthright trip to Israel in February do not ever see this post.

The creation of the word “Thanksgivukkah” automatically makes this the worst holiday season of my lifetime

This year, as most Jews have likely been long aware of, Thanksgiving happens to coincide with Hanukkah.

The holiday of excessive turkey eating falls late this year, on Nov. 28. Hanukkah, meanwhile, starts earlier than usual, on Wednesday. Therefore, come Thursday, two major holidays will happen concurrently.

Since both holidays encompass similar themes, like thankfulness, rededication and family, it isn’t really that big of a deal, and it shouldn’t form a major inconvenience to any plans. If anything, it’s beneficial because it means Jewish families only have to visit each other one time this holiday season. You save gas money, you avoid the inevitable awkwardness that comes with seeing your cousins, uncles and aunts twice in a few weeks, and you’re essentially killing two birds with one stone with one gathering around the dinner table.

You watch football, spin a dreidel, drink some wine, and bam, you’re done.

So that’s that. No more fuss needs to be made about it. I can’t imagine there are many people out there who are irate that these two holidays are together this year.

Except me.

And no, I couldn’t care less about the religious significance, but rather, I’m angry because the fusion of these two holidays has led to a new nickname. It was only a matter of time before some idiot put two and two together, and as a result, we have now all been exposed to the word, “Thanksgivukkah.”

There’s no going back at this point. There’s some things that can’t be unheard. This is one of them.

I understand that this is not without precedent. Years ago, somebody had the brilliant idea to combine Christmas and Hanukkah to form “Christmakkuh,” and the word has since become popular in interfaith households. But at least that makes a little sense. The holidays are closely intertwined, they’re more commonly celebrated during the same time period, and both involve the exchanging of gifts. In fact, these holidays — though unique to their respective religion — are pretty much associated together when people discuss the December “holiday season.”

Thanksgiving and Hanukkah overlapping, on the other hand, is basically like a solar eclipse. Actually, it may even be rarer. According to Chabad, an Orthodox Judaism worldwide movement, the last time the two holidays coincided was in 1899, and the next time it will happen will be in 2070.

But let’s give a nickname to something that may only happen once in our lifetimes.

I really can’t think of a less pleasing sound than the word “Thanksgivukah.” Even typing it is a nightmare. It’s too forced, and it shows that people are just trying way too hard.

The holidays should bring about natural fervor. We should become excited to get extra days off from work, to see our distant relatives, to pig out on food, watch football and receive gifts. If that doesn’t stir excitement in you, then you probably have some type of endorphin deficiency.

A quirky nickname is not needed to encapsulate it. And yes, before  you ask — which you won’t — I am excited. I am greatly anticipating this Thursday. I will be happy. But that doesn’t mean all of the annoying things in this world will suddenly evaporate, and Thankgivukkah is among those.

Oh well. I might as well beat everyone to the punch and create a nickname to incorporate all holidays.

Happy Valenteasterpendenceovermemorialgivingchristmakwanzakkuh everyone!

Oh, Hanukkah started?

Okay, I really do feel a lot better today. Whenever somebody asked, texted or Facebook messaged me to see if I was okay, I mostly downplayed my sadness and shrugged it all off. It’s a lot easier to say “Thanks, I’ll be alright,” then saying “I am insanely depressed, just want to go in a hole and cry, and never come out again.”

However, each person that approached me with their concern played a huge part in my recovery. Not that I am fully back to normal, and I will certainly never be the same with Pebbles gone, but I am back to feeling like my old self, at the very least. So thanks everyone.

So moving on from all that crap, let’s review what happened in the world while I was in my depressed stupor.

For one, Kim Jong-il died. Let’s be honest here. The main reason we all know about Kim Jong-Il is because of “Team America: World Police” (Fuck yeah!) Man, who knew puppets could have such an impact?

I’m not going to pretend that I know a lot about North Korea. But I do know that it is one of the most uncivilized, poor, decrepit and shittiest places in the world, thanks to the aforementioned Mr. Jong-Il.

Amazingly, everyone in North Korea loves him too, and mourned his death. I really don’t know how that’s possible.

I know that they spend every cent they have on their military, and as a result, poor South Korea has to spend every waking second of its existence keeping an eye out on North Korea. It’s like if you were bunking rooms with an actual tiger. You can’t actually go to sleep at night, because you know that if you do, the tiger will freaking maul you to death. That’s how South Korea has been… always.

I remember in World History class in high school, my teacher showed us a satellite photo of North Korea and South Korea. While South Korea is alit, since they are a normal civilization, North Korea is completely dark because they don’t even have electricity. That’s how little they have evolved. Let me see if I can find it via a Google search. Whatever picture I find, I will not give any credit to the original photographer.

There ya go.

So it’s easy to be happy over Kim Jong-Il’s death, or at the very least, indifferent, but I highly doubt anything will change over there. I believe he already trained his son to take over and keep running things the same way.

In a related story, Hanukkah apparently began today.

Jesus Christ, this holiday. I mean no offense to Jews, especially since I am half of one myself, but how little attention does this holiday get? I only know that it is Hanukkah because a couple of people posted about it on Facebook.

First of all, the date of Hanukkah changes every year. Second of all, everyone spells it a different way. There’s Hanukkah, Chanukah, Channukah, Hannukah, etc. I really don’t even know which one is correct. Maybe I’ll just call it Honica. Like Monica Gellar from Friends, but different. Who, on a side note, was also Jewish. She’s also not real.

Even my Jewish friends don’t even care about the holiday. Or they just celebrate it for one night, and not eight or nine, or whatever the hell it is.

I feel like, every year, Hanukkah becomes less and less relevant in comparison to Christmas. In fact, I firmly believe that in 20 years, Hanukkah won’t even exist anymore. Jews still will, of course. We’re like cockroaches, we just aren’t going away. Bear in mind that I am not actually calling Jews cockroaches. I would be offending myself.

People start counting down to Christmas like three months in advance. People don’t even count down to Hanukkah on the day of Hanukkah. I just feel really bad for the holiday.

However, I suppose Hanukkah gives us a fun excuse to use words that we normally wouldn’t use during any time of the year, like “dreidel,” or “menorah,” or “latke.” I will give them that, because those are fun words to say.

Regardless, Happy Hanukkah, or Channukah, or Honica, you lovable Jewish folk.