Happy 7th of July!

No I did not suffer a tragic accident involving fireworks sometime over the last few days, but rather, amid all of the excitement and gorgeous weather surrounding the 4th of July weekend, I decided to take a mini-break from blogging.

Also, it’s pretty hard to write full-length blogs when you are not sober. Not to make it sound like I embarked on a rambunctious four-day bender, but, for the first time in quite some time, I put together a sizable streak of days in which I consumed alcohol. In college that may have been fairly commonplace, but as I am no longer 21, such habits don’t go over quite as well anymore.

Nonetheless, it was good to live a little and have a some fun, and in the meantime, I look forward to returning to my boring, midweek life for the next few days.

During this time last year, my post-4th of July blog was devoted to mocking all of my Facebook friends regarding the excess of statuses that included photographs of fireworks. It’s standard practice now to snap a photo of your personal fireworks celebration, and upload it to social media. The majority of photos are unoriginal and uninspiring, and therefore I typically avoid Facebook on the 4th.

However, this was the first Independence Day since the Instagram boom, and that came with both positive and negative effects.

On the positive side, there were significantly less photos of fireworks on my News Feed this year, which was a huge blessing. I don’t mean to sound like a buzzkill, but amateur photos of fireworks are just plain awful. They’re almost just as bad as selfies. So to have less of those is only a good thing.

On the negative side, Instagram suddenly became unbearable. Instagram still has that allure of being a “new trend,” and therefore people are using it any chance they can get. Unlike Facebook, which has been popular for the better part of a decade, we only follow our close friends on Instagram. There’s no friend-of-a-friend, or that girl you met at a bar one time that you spontaneously Facebook friended the next day and never spoke to again, etc.

So there’s much less consequence to excess posting on Instagram. If you overdo it, you’re only troubling your close friends, who are already aware of your personality. So you can’t really annoy them too much.

As a result, people had no shame bombarding Instagram with fireworks photos.

I almost wanted to start my own website called ShittyFireworksPhotosOnInstagram.com just to expose the drivel that I was witnessing. And I certainly mean no offense to any of my Instagram friends out there, but, you know what you did. You know.

I think people were just dying to test out the effect of what different filters would have on fireworks photos, and that excitement perhaps led to a lapse in most people’s judgement. Either way, I expect it was only a one-time thing, and with people being more accustomed to Instagram by this time next year, hopefully a recurrence is not in store.

One of the many eyesores posted on my News Feed.

And speaking of fireworks, it continually amazes me on a year-to-year basis how few accidents there are. Think about it. Independence Day celebrations usually start in the early afternoon. Fireworks, on the other hand, require dark skies, and start much, much later. Since the day falls just a couple of weeks after the summer solstice, it doesn’t get dark until late — about 9ish.

Which means, by the time fireworks are being lit, most people have been drinking anywhere between a good six to nine hours.

So by my calculations, when you combine drunk people, fire and explosives, one would think that would equate to some type of devastating result, wouldn’t it? And to boot, most fireworks displays involve multiple pyrotechnics being lit at once, which requires a slight bit of synchronization among said drunk people. However, year after year, you really hear nothing of the sort. And trust me, I’m thankful for that.

But it just amazes me because I have personally seen fireworks go wrong on numerous occasions, only to have briefly scary but harmless results. Inevitably, you’re going to have the one person who places the firework upside down in the canister, and then there’s the idiot who stubbornly tries to light a dead fuse while other fireworks are seconds away from being lit just a few feet away from them.

I enjoy fireworks, but in the back of my mind, I’m always anxiously waiting for something terrible to happen. Hopefully it never will.

And another good thing? Due to her recent lack of relevance, we did not have to bear any painful Katy Perry reference during this year’s holiday.

Amen to that.

Cuz baby you’re a firework

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you all of the images that my Facebook friends posted last night of fireworks onto my Newsfeed:

I stated last night how fireworks are a spectacle to behold, and I stand by that. I was at a party yesterday, and we set off fireworks once it got dark, and at the same time people in neighboring houses were setting off their own fireworks. Witnessing all of the fireworks around me was a breathtaking experience — literally breathtaking, the noise actually frightened me.

Seriously, you forget just how loud fireworks can be. I swear that I now completely understand what it must have been like to be in Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, with all the booms and explosions happening every five seconds. Minus the actual gunfire and imminent threat of death, of course.

But seeing fireworks on the 4th of July is as common as walking into McDonalds and seeing a fat person. Are posting pictures of the fireworks really necessary?

First of all, a still image of a firework bears absolutely no justice to what the firework looked like in person. The luster of a firework lies in the noise, the anticipation, the apex of its explosion and the dispersal of the colors across the night sky. Posting a picture of a firework and saying “best fireworks ever!” is equal to posting a still image of a moving car and captioning it “look how fast the car is going!” The image tells us absolutely nothing. Nothing.

If you want to post a video of your fireworks, at least that makes some sense. I’m sure your fireworks were still no different from everyone else’s, and thus watching your video would be a giant waste of time, but at least it serves a logical purpose.

And to be fair, I understand the people who post their pictures of fireworks while capturing a sense of place in their photos. The one with the fireworks at Citi Field is a great shot, as is photo number six, with the buildings and people surrounding the fireworks. But just posting an image of the dark night sky with a couple pink and red streaks across it? Come on. You could post a photo of a ball of yarn lying on black construction paper and it would have the exact same effect.

And actually Instagramming a firework photo? Are you… kidding me? Did you watch your fireworks display with the thought of, “Man, this is awesome. But you know what this needs? Instagram.” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP IT.

But I digress. Though before I move on from fireworks completely, I have to bring up the fireworks bust in San Diego.

Folks in San Diego witnessed what was either the worst Fourth of July fireworks celebration — or the absolute best — when a technical malfunction caused all of their pyrotechnics to go off at the same time.  The annual Big Bay Boom celebration began and ended in spectacular fashion when an inadvertent signal set off the explosion about five minutes early and caused the entire 18 minute show to take place in about 15 seconds. Confused spectators waited around for what they thought was going to be the rest of the show, but were sent home and told the show (that was supposed to be choreographed to music) was canceled.

Honestly, that’s pretty funny. And is it really such a bad thing? I understand that people may be upset since they were expecting a lengthy show, but the sight of all of those fireworks going off must have been awesome. Actually, see it for yourself at this link. 

Or for the laziest of the lazy, just check out this photo:

Pretty damn cool. And it legitimately looks like an atom bomb just went off.

Alright, I’ve blogged more about fireworks recently than I need to do for the rest of the year. So let’s move on.

How about this story, where a Florida lifeguard was fired after he left his “lifeguard zone” while attempting to save a man? He was fired because he “broke the rules.” After the news went public, the company decided to offer the dude his job back, and like a champ, he respectfully declined. In fact, many other lifeguards at the beach quit in protest. Good for them. You know our society has hit an all-time low when we punish people for attempting to save lives. This kind of story makes me shake my head.

And now, I am going to present you with the most adorable thing you will ever see. Remember when I posted that picture of the bobcat and the deer cuddling? Well the link I am about to post makes that photo look like a headshot of that dude from Florida who got his face eaten off.

I present to you… PUPPY CAM! 

Just click on the link and thank me. Thank me until your voice goes hoarse and words can no longer do justice.

Alright, I’m off to the Catskills for a weekend of drunken debauchery and possibly some mountain biking. I’ll catch y’all on Monday. Oh, and I just have to end the blog like this. I could not resist…

Fireworks… how awesome are they really?

A lot of people will tell you that the 4th of July is one of the most underrated holidays. That will probably even be their Facebook status on Wednesday afternoon. And then they’ll post a picture of themselves drinking a beer at 2 p.m.

There’s not much to hate about 4th of July. For one, it is federally mandated that we get the day off. It’s not like Presidents’ Day or Martin Luther King Jr. Day, where companies have the discretion as to whether they award their employees with the day off or not.

On the 4th of July, everybody is off.

Something that just occurred to me is how unfortunate it is that the 4th of July lies on a Wednesday this year. The past three years, the holiday has been on a Saturday, Sunday and Monday, and then the leap year pushed it up to Wednesday this year.

It’s unfortunate because a lot of people — like myself — choose to go away for the 4th of July weekend. The past three years, we had 3-day weekends for the holiday. And if Independence Day fell on a Tuesday or Thursday, then I would take either the Monday or Friday off, giving me a 4-day weekend and plenty of time to go away.

But since it’s on a Wednesday, we only get the day off in the middle of the week, and it’s much more difficult to take two days off. So Wednesday kind of sucks. But I digress.

Other things to like about this holiday is that heavy drinking is encouraged, barbecues are encouraged (and who doesn’t like a good barbecue?), and fireworks are encouraged. Yes, fireworks are illegal in New York, but there are still illustrious fireworks shows in every sporting event, town park and beach. So yeah, they’re encouraged.

Fireworks are, without question, a spectacle to behold. If you buy the right ones, then they are awesome to witness. The loud pop, the various colors and the synchronized dispersal of said colors makes for a great show.

But the keyword is that fireworks are awesome to see.

Of course, every year, you have the idiots who start lighting off fireworks a week before the holiday. So when I am sitting in my room trying to read or watch television, I can hear these loud explosions. Since I can’t actually see them, then the fireworks offer absolutely nothing to me. It’s just a loud nuisance.

Also, fireworks are dangerous. I know that everyone knows that — but I don’t think people realize how dangerous fireworks are. It’s so easy for something to go wrong. Pretty much every year when I light fireworks with my friends, there is always — without fail — one person who lights a firework incorrectly. The typical mistake is to put it upside down, so that it explodes downward into the container. It makes for a very, very loud occurrence.

Plus there’s always the one person who hovers around the firework too long while it is lit. Or sometimes you light two at once, and one person lights theirs faster than the other. And I didn’t even mention how easy it is to start a fire when lighting fireworks, especially since most people do them in wooded areas.

Also, and everyone’s drunk when they’re lighting them! It’s amazing how many things can go wrong.

You always laugh about it after when somebody does something stupid with fireworks, but considering the possibilities, it never fails to amaze me that you never hear more horror stories involving fireworks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m enormously relieved that it is the case, but again, it still surprises me.

It’s always funny how differently guys and girls view fireworks. Guys are all about them. Shit, they’ll drive all the way to Pennsylvania just to buy them. And then they’ll light firework after firework after firework and never become bored. Honestly though, for me, I get bored with fireworks after five minutes. Every pack is the freaking same. And they all have like 20 in them.

Girls, meanwhile, just can’t wait for them to be over. In my experiences, they’ll preach caution with every firework, yell at their significant others incessantly for not taking proper precautions, and then end up going inside because they can’t take it anymore.

In theory, fireworks are pretty damn cool. I can’t take that away. However, I think people get a bit carried away with them. I mean, it’s not like you made the fireworks yourself. All you did was push a button on a lighter and then put it near a fuse. It doesn’t really take much skill.

So I’m just throwing all of that out there. I’ll let everyone else make their own judgments on how awesome fireworks actually are.

And now that I’ve officially rained on everybody’s parade, have a very happy 4th of July everybody. Stay safe!

The fourth day of the seventh month

Or as everyone else prefers to call it… the 4th of July. Before I begin, I have a question: Does England have a 4th of July?

Of course they do, silly! They don’t celebrate Independence day, but every country has a 4th of July! Duh! Got you all!

Just so everyone knows, I just took a moment to hit myself in the head with my television remote. It’s clearly what I deserve after that joke. Anyway, let’s proceed.

The 4th of July is a very festive day. Everyone celebrates it. And I know that because I’m looking at Facebook now, and I think every single one of my Facebook friends posted exactly what they are doing, and who they are doing it with. I actually know everything about everyone right now.

Not that I want to be a Debbie Downer on this holiday, because it’s very un-American to bash the 4th of July, and if I did so during the 1940s I probably would be accused of being a Communist. But, that being said, I think the actual day itself is overrated. HEAR ME OUT.

The holiday weekend is the farthest thing from overrated. It’s an excuse to get away and drink a lot and do stupid things. But then the actual 4th of July happens, and all of a sudden every jackass in America is lighting fireworks, having a barbecue, and just being loud and obnoxious. We get it, you’re drinking on a holiday where it’s socially acceptable to drink a lot. You’re cool!

Also, speaking of a bit overrated. Fireworks. They’re cool and all, and when done right can be aesthetically pleasing, but when it all comes down to it, they’re just loud, expensive and dangerous. I’m not saying I don’t like them, but I don’t understand what the giant fuss is that people have over them. Maybe it’s the fact that they’re illegal? Perhaps that gives people an extra thrill? You know, that whole “Trying not to get caught” philosophy. That may be it. I don’t know. If you need to do the occasional illegal thing to get your kicks, then just do what I do and rob banks. Risky and profitable.

Okay, I’ve talked long enough without saying how my weekend went. I know you’re all just dying to know! No, you don’t care? Fuck. Well, I’ll tell you anyway.

You know how you have that one weekend a year that you just know is going to be flat-out awesome and is pretty much guaranteed to be one of the better weekends of the year? Well, that’s what the 4th of July weekend is for me. This was the third straight year of celebrating the holiday with friends on a lake house in the Poconos, and it was again a huge success. Each year we pretty much do the same exact things, and yet, it’s always awesome in its own unique way.

It was a much-needed getaway as things have been getting a little monotonous with work and shit. Sometimes going to a lake and blowing shit up with fireworks will cure that. And that’s exactly what happened. In fact, one of the best things I learned this weekend was what happens when you light a firework upside down and put it inside of a watermelon.

It’s funny because this was discovered by accident. When one of my friends — who normally exudes competence in most aspects of life — displayed his incompetence in lighting a firework by placing it in the tube upside down, it ended up exploding inside of the tube and resulted in a near-deafening explosion just feet away from us. The tube exploded, our ears hurt afterwards, and in hindsight, we’re probably lucky we’re not dead.

And yet, that failure actually turned out to be a success because that is how we figured out the best possible way to blow up a watermelon using fireworks. It was, to put it lightly, fucking awesome. There is video evidence to confirm this, but at the moment I am unsure how to post an iPhone video from Facebook onto this page. So, for now, you’ll just have to take my word for it.

But as I was saying, it was the mistaken upside-down-firework that led to this discovery. And isn’t that how life always works? You learn from your failures. It’s how all diseases are cured, through trial and error, and how all the world’s greatest inventions were made. In fact, it was Thomas Edison himself, who, when asked by a young reporter if he thought himself a failure for his inability to invent the light bulb, said:

Young man, why would I feel like a failure? And why would I ever give up? I now know definitively over 9,000 ways that an electric light bulb will not work. Success is almost in my grasp.

Wise man that Thomas Edison. Sure enough, another 1,000 tries later, he did invent the light bulb. It’s probably a discovery that deserves as much credit and appreciation as this blog.

So, yeah, that watermelon, along with lots of beer, drinking games, clearance sales, Moes Southwest Grill, fireworks, burgers, sunshine (for the most part) Lord of the Rings references and an awesome Mets’ comeback on Sunday made for a hugely successful weekend. It’s also a plus when you actually like your friends. That’s usually something that helps in life.

Seriously though, it’s shocking that you don’t hear more disaster stories involving drunk idiots and fireworks. I can think of at least five occasions this weekend involving fireworks where somebody probably should have gotten injured in some capacity. I guess we owe a big thanks to that big protector in the sky. I’m of course referring to the Eastern bluebird, the state bird of New York.

By the way, who else got caught up in the goddamn Titanic marathon on AMC this weekend? Holy shit, I swear that movie is a drug. Once you start watching it you can’t stop. I had to physically leave the room just so that I didn’t watch it. God damn it Rose, why did you let go? Why?!

…So now the weekend is done, and back to work tomorrow. I know, I know, “FML” and reflective Facebook statuses will be out in full force tomorrow. I for one can not wait.

Summer of ’11… so far so good.

Oh, and if you played the song “Firework” by Katy Perry at any point this weekend while lighting fireworks, then you’re basically an asshole.

Independence

So today would be the blog where I become serious for a day and talk about how fortunate we all are to have independence and how we all take it for granted.

Nah I’m not going to do that.

Sure it’s nice to have freedom, but Independence Day is about three-day weekends, drinking beer and fireworks. That’s it. And I’m fairly certain that it is exactly what our forefathers hoped that it would be.

By the way, speaking of our forefathers, did you know that Independence Day should really be July 2nd? It’s true. On July 2nd, 1776, the Continental Congress voted in favor of our independence. In other words, the United States legally became independent on July 2nd.

On July 4th, the actual document, the Declaration of Independence, was approved. So, technically, the anniversary of our independence is really July 2nd. I shit you not. Look it up if you don’t believe me.

In fact, John Adams, who revised the Declaration of Independence with Benjamin Franklin after Thomas Jefferson wrote it, wrote this letter to his wife, Abigail:

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more

Well, he was right about the celebration, but wrong about the date. One out of two ain’t bad, though, John.

However, 235 years later, I truly wonder if our forefathers would have declared independence if they knew that Facebook would eventually come about?

Or, better yet, can you imagine if the Declaration of Independence was written on Facebook? The Continental Congress would be sitting in a room in Philadelphia, all on their Macs, and Thomas Jefferson would have written a new “note.” That note would be the Declaration of Independence.

Slowly, the rest of the delegates from the 13 colonies would have “liked” it. Then John Hancock, in a large font, would have written: “Awesome job TJ! This note is soooo good lol”

Or better yet, what if Jefferson tweeted the Declaration of Independence? The actual document contains 1458 words, so Jefferson would have had to narrow that down to 140 characters. If any one can do it, Thomas Jefferson can.

Hmm, I’ve talked a lot about Thomas Jefferson the past few days, haven’t I?

By the way, since I’m talking about Facebook, I wanted to post a couple of musings that came to my mind recently:

  • Nobody gives a shit about your new pin number
  • Does anybody else find it amusing when you post a Facebook status about something in particular, whether it be a random thought, an action that you are currently undertaking, or anything, really, and then the next day, you share that exact same thought with somebody in person, and that person responds, “Oh yeah, I saw you wrote that on Facebook yesterday…”

When somebody says that, it tells me two things.

1) They are a Facebook fiend and they probably see every Facebook status that all of their friends post. Let’s face it, that applies to 90% of us. It’s only natural to check Facebook at least once an hour. You’re not going to miss much.

2) It tells me that they saw your status, it resonated enough that they are able to remember it the next day, and yet, they still didn’t comment. Which means that they don’t give enough of a shit about you to warrant a comment, or they wanted to comment, but felt weird doing it.

Either way, I think it’s funny.

Okay, I think I’m done here. It pains me to say it, because I know how much distress it will cause all… 1 of you… when I say that I will officially be out of town until Monday. Therefore, you will not be hearing from me for a few days. I’m heading to the Poconos for a three night celebration with friends. We will be doing the three B’s… boozing, barbecuing and lighting fireworks.

I’m not going to lie. Whatever you’re doing this weekend… I’m going to have more fun.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY Y’ALL.

A Poconos Independence Day Extravaganza!

Fourth of July weekend. Beer, barbecue and fireworks… what’s not to enjoy??

For the second straight year, a bunch of friends and I headed to the Poconos to celebrate our independence in style. We got a house on the lake, equipped with a hot tub, four bedrooms and a rather large amount of property.

We spent the majority of the first day traveling and loading up on food – and more importantly, beer. But, it meant that the next two days we barely had to do anything but sit back, enjoy the weather, eat lots of burgers and hot dogs, and enjoy the wonderful effects that alcohol has on your body.

I’d say one of the biggest differences between this year and last year was the lake; last year we shared the lake with hundreds of other people, and I wouldn’t even call it a lake… more like a disgusting cesspool of water. It was barely even swimmable and nobody even really went in.

This year, however, the lake was ridonculous. You know when you just imagine a gorgeous lake in your head? Big, expansive, scenic, calm… with gentle ripples of water flowing serenely as the wind rustles the leaves of the trees that hang over and reflect beautifully over the surface? Okay, that was a little gay. But, basically, that’s exactly what it was. And the best part was that we basically had it all to ourselves. With two boats at our disposal. It was perfect. We spent many hours in the lake this time, especially on the actual Fourth of July. Although we almost got in trouble by having too many people in one of the boats… but a fun weekend is never complete without almost getting in trouble with Johnny Law, amirite?!

And secondly… the hot tub. CLUTCH. Upon first entering said tub, I was desperately hoping to reemerge from it 20 years in the past, a la Hot Tub Time Machine. And for a brief moment, I thought I had. Upon going outside there was 80s music playing in the distance… but then we discovered that it was coming from some shitty party that was being entertained by the world’s worst DJ. If you happen to be reading this, random disc jockey that almost ruined my weekend with his shitty selection of music, I think you need a new vocation. Immediately.

But anyway, now that I reflect, I’m almost positive that I didn’t set foot in the hot tub once while I was sober. The first hot tub experience came at 2:00 AM on the first night we were there. After a couple hours of drinking and playing games (Apples to Apples, Celebrity, Scattergories), we managed to fit seven people in the tub and watch as the water overflowed and nearly flooded the basement. Totally worth it. There’s just something magical about the taste of cold beer flowing down your gullet while sitting in 103 degree water, it’s quite the blend.

The second night didn’t last as long, as many people were feeling the effects from only getting 5 or so hours of sleep. However, it’s probably the drunkest I got of the three nights, almost definitely a result of the inclusion of vodka into the mix. And that’s why, at about 3:00 AM, you were to find Shaun, Kenny and I sitting in the hot tub while wearing life jackets and holding racquetball paddles. Everything that occurred during this particular drunken hot tub experience was videotaped, and that footage has to be downright hilarious. Mike started quizzing us about history, and I recall giving a rundown of Christopher Columbus’ voyage and subsequent “discovery” of America, most likely inaccurately. I also recall shouting a racial slur that probably ends any chances of a career in politics, had I chosen to go that route.

Day three started with me waking up at 9 AM and darting straight to the bathroom. I threw up. A couple times. I think I was still drunk while this was happening, because I don’t remember it too well, but I know it happened. I went straight back to sleep after and didn’t reawaken until 1:30 pm. But more fun  was to be had. We played another one of our four wiffleball games, and then we had our two hour adventure in the lake, which included me getting abandoned under a bridge, forcing me to throw rocks at my abandoners as they rowed away – and actually landing one in the boat, causing Seth to abandon ship.

And then, come nighttime… the main event: fireworks. And let me preface this paragraph by saying to all you kids out there, be careful when dealing with fireworks. The Weinblog does not endorse foolish behavior with explosives. That being said, the highlight of our fireworks display was Shaun lighting a firework with a lit cigarette… while it was in his mouth. The sparks nearly blinded him in the process, but I do not think there is a more badass way to light a firework and it was quite impressive, even if it nearly gave Abby a heart attack. The video footage of this is actually on my facebook page. But the firework display that we put on was very solid and we certainly made our forefathers proud with our efforts.

Without a doubt, it was a fantastic weekend. We probably killed over 300 beers between the 10 of us over the course of three days, and each beer was unique and special in its own way. Other fun moments of the weekend that I failed to mention were me acquiring one of those awesome bracelets that when you take them off they transform into the shape of animal. My bracelet is a purple dog. Also us breaking a picture frame on the first night as a result of an overambitious attempt to play wiffleball inside while we were also very drunk. But we got it replaced and hopefully Mel will be able to get her security deposit back. Also, Beaker the Muppet falling downstairs after drinking one too many Rolling Rocks. Oh, and me spending the final night sleeping in my sleeping bag on the hard floor… in the boiler room. I’m sure there’s plenty of other things I’m forgetting.

Finally, on the last day, we (or… everybody but me, rather.. since I was incapacitated at the time) woke up early to clean the house, pack up our belongings, and get the hell outta there before the religious freak homeowners showed up (there was Jesus paraphernalia all over the place – plus two copies of Passion of the Christ… they must be big fans of Mel Gibson.) On that note, I wonder if they would’ve rented the house to us if they knew that 70% of us were Jewish??

So we left the house, made a stop at Moe’s (I can now cross Mount Pocono off the list of the different cities where I have eaten at a Moe’s Restaurant… I think I’m up to 7 or 8), and headed home. Shockingly there was no traffic whatsoever on the way home, whereas it took us about 4 and a half hours just to get there.

It was a tremendous weekend, and one that I will not forget for a really long time. The next step now is to watch the video footage that was taken, which is sure to be epic stuff… just like this blog.

We spent a glorious three days celebrating the anniversary of our country’s independence, and there is no doubt in my mind, that when good ole Tommy Jefferson scribed that document in his mom’s basement while most likely under the influence of cannabis, and when John Hancock penned his giant signature on that very same document, those men were thinking: we are doing this so that in exactly 234 years from now, a group of ten individuals from various parts of New York can join together and party for three consecutive nights in a house on the lake in the Poconos, and so that one of those kids in particular can make an extremely offensive derogatory slur while he’s inebriated in a hot tub, and not have to worry about getting in trouble for it.

Now that… is independence.

Speaking of lake houses, have you ever seen the movie “The Lake House” with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves? Well, don’t.

Happy 4th of July!

don’t worry, there are 50 stars there… I counted.

So, today… we celebrate… our Independence day.

makes me tear up every time.

On this day, exactly 32 years ago, our forefathers met in the back of a Hooters Restaurant and declared that “we ain’t gonna take this shit from England no mo’”

And here we are today. If it wasn’t for them…. We’d be speaking a totally different. Actually, no… we’d be speaking the same language… but with an ACCENT!

Actually, that’d be freaking cool to have an accent… everything sounds cooler with a British accent, and you automatically speak eloquently no matter what you say. God dammit! Why the heck did we declare our independence. Fuck you Thomas Jefferson!

But seriously, I truly hope everyone has an enjoyable 4th of July weekend. Light off some fireworks, make some noise… but be safe. I don’t want here about any Weinblog followers losing an eye or a finger over the weekend.

I myself will be in the Poconos for the weekend, so unfortunately I will not have computer access while I am there. (can hear collective groans from everyone reading this) I know, I know… I’m sorry. But I assure that this weekend will provide me with plenty of juicy material for when I return.

But until then… have fun, stay safe, and root for Joey Chestnut to take home the Nathan’s hot dog eating crown for the fourth straight year. USA! USA! USA! USA!

Oh, and a big shout-out to loyal Weinblog followers Mike and Kristyn, who got engaged on Wednesday night. Another one bites the dust.