St. Patrick’s Day — the Valentine’s Day for alcoholics

You know, I was thinking today — In all of my near-26 years of existence, I never really understood Valentine’s Day. I just didn’t get why girls are so anticipatory of that day, and why they cherish it so much.

As a guy, it’s just something I’ll never understand. I try to think about it — I try to put myself in a woman’s shoes, and imagine why Feb. 14 is so special. Because I don’t care under what circumstances in life I find myself in, I will never, ever anticipate Valentine’s Day. Never.

But then I realized — I think I do get it. I think I can finally understand the emotion that females’ experience in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day.

The way I realized it is, because, all of the feelings emotions and excitement that a girl harbors for Valentine’s Day — that is exactly how I feel for St. Patrick’s Day.

Right now it is three days until St. Patrick’s — but really two days until the Saturday before St. Patrick’s Day, which is all that really matters — and I feel like a 7-year-old does on Christmas Eve.

I can’t wait to wear a green shirt like every other douchebag, plan to drink at 2 p.m. like every other douchebag, wear some type of shamrock necklace like every other douchebag, and drink so much that I am a loud, obnoxious drunkard in public like every other douchebag.

I honestly own one green shirt. One. And yet, I’m saving that bad boy for the big day.

In the past I have been very critical of this day. And while there’s still plenty of things that I do not like about it, I’ve decided to shelve all that aside and just embrace it. It’s a day where every one in the world, regardless of skin color, gender, ethnicity and sexuality, joins together under one common cause — to drink beer. And not only to drink beer, but to do it recklessly, unhealthily and irresponsibly. It’s something that we can all finally agree on.

A girl may be reading this and wonder why I can be this excited. It’s the reverse effect of Valentine’s Day, where guys wonder why girls care so much about that holiday. While I know there are plenty of girls who enjoy St. Patrick’s Day also, it’s not like how we do. It’s not.

Guys don’t plan anything. Ever. It’s embedded in our nature. We are just physically, mentally and emotionally incapable of planning things.

Except on St. Patrick’s Day. We’ll even make plans months before March 17 for this day. In fact, how much do I love this day? I am actually intending (key word is intending) to abstain from going out and drinking on Friday, just so I can be ready to go first thing on Saturday. I am that committed. 

That being said people, be smart. Don’t follow your stupid friends whose plan is to simply “go into New York City” and then just take it from there. Plan ahead. Scout out an area that you know is off the beaten path, and where you won’t be bombarded by hundreds upon hundreds of bar-hopping-green-shirted fiends.

Also, stay away from the places that try to take advantage of people on St. Patty’s, and overcharge for their beer, or demand a ludicrous cover charge. Go to a bar that you trust, and that you know would not do such things.

When you hit your mid-twenties, you’ve reached a point in your life where you know how important beer is to you. Everyone drinks in college. But a lot people either stop or temper their drinking habits after that. Some do it voluntarily. Some do it out of necessity.

And some never stop. Maybe they will later in life, but if you’re still going strong into your mid-to-late 20s, then odds say you’ll probably continue consuming alcohol for a long time. So to have a holiday that celebrates beer, and embraces it, then that’s a win.

It’s even more significant this year, because Irish people have a lot to celebrate. According to Wikipedia, 73% of Ireland’s population is Roman Catholic. So in a span of five days, they received a new pope and now they get to celebrate their biggest holiday of the year.

Of course, I am not Irish. There is a reason why this blog is called Weinblog and not O’Malleyblog.

But most importantly: everybody, enjoy yourselves and make irresponsible decisions in a safe and controlled manner. As for me, I am going to get out my iron and ready up the one green shirt that I own.

That’s right, I use irons in the days before St. Patrick’s, too.

Tips for avoiding a douche-free St. Patrick’s Day

Welp, it’s that time of the year again.

There are holidays that truly bring out the best in people, like Thanksgiving, or Christmas, or maybe even Earth Day, and then there are holidays that bring out the very worst in people. And that is St. Patrick’s Day.

I’d say that about 95% of our population becomes unbearable on St. Patrick’s Day. Just because it is a holiday where drinking in excess is socially acceptable, people take extreme liberties and think they could actually do whatever they want. They believe they could act like a fool in the middle of the street, and that it is fine.

But I see you. I see you, man.

There’s really not much that can be done about it. It’s going to happen. However, I could offer some words of wisdom on how you should properly behave during this weekend. If you’re smart, you’ll listen.

If you’re not Irish, don’t wear green.

I know, green is the color of St. Patrick’s Day. But, come on. Whatever happened to originality? Why do people like to do something just because everybody else around you is doing it? Do you think that people wearing green have some type of mutual understanding? Do you think that if you spot someone else with a green shirt, your eyes will lock, and you’ll nod, and you’ll form an infinite bond that will last a lifetime? No, you’re just blending into a green sea of awfulness. For once in your life, try to show some individuality. Wear red, or even orange. You don’t see much orange anymore, do you?

If you are Irish, please don’t flaunt the fact that you are actually celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.

If you think people pretending to be Irish is bad enough, then you haven’t met an actual Irish person acting like they are the “Chosen One” on St. Patrick’s Day.

First of all, no, you can’t drink more than anybody else. Being Irish doesn’t magically make your tolerance higher. it doesn’t expand your larynx, enabling you to consume more alcohol.

I know you want to show off the fact that this holiday was brought about by your people, but I’d rather you didn’t. You’re only embarrassing yourself and disgracing your heritage.

Please don’t customize a shirt.

I can flat-out guarantee, right now, that you will see a shirt that says something along the lines of “Everybody’s Irish on St. Patrick’s Day!”

Firstly, you’re wasting a shirt. There are starving children in Cambodia right now who would do anything for a piece of cloth to cover their bare chest, and you are wasting a shirt by writing some overdone, unfunny, and asinine slogan on it. I can assure you, whatever slogan you come up with, it’s stupid.

People who customize their own shirts  are basically competing in their own “worst person in America” contest.

Along those lines, no other green accessories either, please.

If you’re thinking about wearing green beads around your neck, or a top hat, or a four-leaf clover sticker on your cheek, just don’t. I know you’ll put them on and look in the mirror the morning before you go out. One half of you will say, “This doesn’t look half bad,” and the other half will say, “You look retarded.”

The second one is right. Always.

Don’t drink Irish Car Bombs right off the bat.

This is probably the first actual practical advice I’m giving. But trust me, it’s for selfish reasons.

It’s only natural that, on St. Patrick’s Day, people will burst into the bar and say “Yooo brahs, Irish Car Bombs, let’s do it!” And then all his other degenerate friends will yell in agreement like a pack of savages.

Well, two hours later, you are the ones lying face down in an alley. People are stupid. They think that just because it is a holiday, that their tolerance will increase. No, they won’t. You’ll be drunk in the same amount of time. So if you start drinking at noon, and keep doing Irish Car Bombs, among other shots, you are going to be shitfaced by 3 p.m., and you’ll have wasted the entire day.

Also, by being overly drunk, you’ll just make life worse for me, along with everybody else. Be smart, stick to beer, and wait until the sun has actually begun its downward descent to do your first Irish Car Bomb. Trust me on this one.

Stay. Away. From. New. York. City.

“Yo, we’re older, we’re cool now, so I guess we should go to the city for St. Patrick’s Day, right? I mean, that’s where it will all be happening.”

– dumb person.

Amateurs will flood the city streets this weekend, thinking that it’s the place to be. They won’t have a plan, they’ll just wing it, and figure that everything will turn out okay. Well, guess what? Eight-million other people also thought the same thing.

But if you enjoy crowded areas, $9 beers, $20 covers to get into bars, then yeah, go to the city!

In conclusion

Pretty much everything that you are thinking about doing this weekend, well, do the opposite, and you’ll be okay.

There you go. I truly hope I helped, and that in a small way — some small, miniscule way — I may have made this St. Patrick’s Day weekend better for just one single person. Then I’ll know that I have done my part in helping the world.

As for me? I’m getting the hell out of New York and making my way to Washington D.C. for St. Patrick’s Day weekend.

That’s right. For at least one weekend, while overly intoxicated, I will be in the same city as Barack Obama. There is every chance I somehow get myself labeled as a security threat to this country.

Every chance.

Move Over Japan… It’s March Madness Time!

Today might be the greatest day of the year. At the very least, it’s the best day of the year so far.

Why?

Let me tell ya!

Not only was is beautiful outside, but it’s St. Patrick’s Day (which… means nothing to me actually since I’m not Irish) and, more importantly, it’s the opening day of Mach Madness!

For sports fans, this is basically porn. Actually, scratch that. For sports fans, porn is porn. But March Madness is right up there.

Beginning at noon, there is college basketball on all day. There is not much better than watching a 13 seed try to pull off a miraculous upset against a 4 seed, and especially when you accurately predicted it in your March Madness bracket.

Speaking of which, I laugh when people go crazy when they accurately predicted a first round game. Unless you lose one of your final fours on the first day, the first round really means nothing. Whether I picked it or not, I will always root for the underdog.

So yeah, March Madness is awesome. I couldn’t believe it at 6:00 when CBS turned away from March Madness and went to the news and started talking about Japan. Pretty much the last thing I care about on March Madness Day.

It’s cool too that it happened to fall on St. Patrick’s Day. And while we’re on the topic, who wore a green shirt today?

If you answered yes, go ahead and slap yourself in the face! Especially if you’re not Irish.

The worst part about St. Patrick’s Day was waking up and seeing people’s Facebook status updates talking about being in the city at 10:00 a.m. and how awesome it is.

First of all..

1) Do you not have jobs?

2) It’s 10 a.m.

2) The city is AWFUL on St. Patrick’s Day. Arguably the worst place on Earth. Crowded city, drunk assholes, crowded bars, $20 covers, $10 beers. Last place I’d ever go on St. Patty’s.

4) It’s 10 a.m.

5) Go. To. Work.

How am I celebrating St. Patty’s? Well, let me tell ya! I’m not doing anything tonight, unfortunately. That’s because I’m waking up early tomorrow morning to head to the beautiful (and by beautiful, I really mean shitty) city of Philadelphia for what is essentially going to be a 48-hour drinking binge. It is going to be AWESOME.

Plus I just checked the weather for Philly — supposed to be 72 degrees and sunny tomorrow! There’s a 30% chance of showers on Saturday, which kind of sucks, but that’s bearable. But tomorrow should be absolutely grand.

Yup, I said grand.

Not only is it awesome to be drunk during the day. But it’s awesome to be drunk during the day in a new city. And not only is it awesome to be drunk during the day while in a new city, but it’s even more awesome when March Madness is going on. Words can’t express how excited I am.

Go ahead. Just try to convince me otherwise that this isn’t one of the best times of the year. I dare you. Not so good for Japan, but awesome for me. By the way, text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate 10 bucks. Or spend it on beer. I really don’t care.

Hope everyone is enjoying this time of the year as much as I am, and guess what day tomorrow is? In the words of the great Rebecca Black, “It’s Friday, Friday, Gotta get down on Friday!”