Happy ‘Galentine’s Day!’

For whatever reason, there were much less photos of flowers on my Facebook Newsfeed this year than there were last year. Much less. You’d think that would please me, but to be honest, I kind of missed it. In fact, I found myself scrolling through my homepage to get to the nearest flower pictures.

And they never came.


That’s the one thing I can hope for from my Facebook friends — flowers on Valentine’s Day. The one single, consistent, cliché thing that I can expect every year. And this year, I was let down.

However, even with the absence of flowers, my Facebook friends did still manage to find something to appall me with.

I saw one female make a status that incorporated the words “Galentine’s Day.” I read it once and did a double take. Then I sounded it out. And then I looked at my keyboard and noticed that the ‘G’ and the ‘V’ are touching each other. So I concluded that it was a typo, and then I moved on with my day and didn’t think about it again.Valentines

Until about an hour later. That is when I saw it again. Except in this context, it read something along the lines of, “Happy Galentine Day, ladies!” And that’s when it clicked. Gal-entine’s Day.

I then proceeded to laugh.

Long ago I realized that it is virtually impossible for any girl to not have some type of emotions on Valentine’s Day.

And I won’t discriminate — guys are not immune to this either. I’ll admit that two to three years ago — shit, you can even look back into the archives and see for yourself — I became somewhat emotional on Valentine’s Day. February 14 has that effect on people where it makes them reexamine their recent love life experiences. So, naturally, if you recently had a bad experience with a member of the opposite gender, then you likely will have a bad Valentine’s Day.

But I am so far removed from those times that the past couple of Valentine’s Days literally meant nothing to me. I actually kept forgetting the significance of this day repeatedly until every time I checked my Newsfeed and saw everybody’s posts.

Girls, however, don’t forget that easily. And pretty much all of them make a point to inform the world of their personal well-being on this day. So this “Galentine’s Day” creation is just an extension of that.

On the surface it means, “Ayo, I lack a boyfriend but I got my girls, so who needs a man?!”

The subtext of that, however means — “SOMEBODY HELP ME I’M SINGLE AND ALONE!”

So, on that note, happy Galentine’s Day to all the girls out there.

Unfortunately, however, there is one girl out there who did not have a very good Valentine’s Day, and her name is Reeva Steenkamp, a South African model and the girlfriend of Olympic sprinter Oscar Pistorius.

Oscar Pistorius

You all remember Oscar Pistorius right? He was an inspiration to millions when, last year, he became the first double amputee to ever race in the Olympics. The 26-year-old South African used a custom-made prosthetic that enabled him to keep pace among the fastest people in the world. People fell in love with his story.

But in the blink of an eye, Pistorius — not unlike Lance Armstrong’s recent demise — went from an inspiration to a disgrace. Early this morning, he was charged by police for murdering his girlfriend, Ms. Steenkamp, who was found shot to death in his home.

Reeva Steenkamp

This just pisses me off.

And not just because she was a beautiful model, but because she was a young woman who is now dead because of some diabolical no-legged asshole. Yeah, that’s right, I can say that now because he just killed somebody.

There are so many jokes to be made, like something about him being “armed,” or how this is an open-and shut-case that will not “stump” police, and thus Pistorius has “no legs to stand on.”

But the fact of the matter is that he is now a murderer. And on Valentine’s Day, no less. How fucking romantic.

Here’s one of the last tweets by Reeva Steenkamp, one day before she was shot to death:

Reeva Steenkamp twitter

Well, if she was posing that question to her boyfriend, then the answer is a gun.

Just awful. Models, this is why you should not obsess over celebrities, and should date average, normal people. We’re so average, so boring and so dull that we are afraid of guns. Bat-shit terrified. And therefore, we will treat you like you deserve to be treated. Hmm, maybe Bar Refaeli knew what she was doing in that Go Daddy commercial, after all.

Oh well.

But to make things a little lighter again, I can safely say that I lived up to the one Valentine’s Day tradition that I uphold, and that is asking — and subsequently getting rejected by — Taylor Swift to be my Valentine.

2011 rejection:

2012 rejection:

taylor rejection3

This year’s rejection:

Taylor rejection4

I actually tried to be creative this year. I’m sure thousands ask Taylor to be their Valentine, so I needed mine to stand out. And since everybody knows that the 12th track on her new album Red is called “Sad Beautiful Tragic,” I thought that in the 1% chance Taylor does read my Tweet, that she might find it amusing.

But alas, no luck. There’s still three hours left in the day, though.

And to wrap up today, I need to address something that somehow I didn’t find the time to discuss throughout the entire week. But what better day to bring it up than on Valentine’s Day?

The Sports Illustrated 2013 Swimsuit Edition is in, and guess who made the cover?

For just the fifth time in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition’s history, a model has graced the cover for the second consecutive year, and her name is Kate Upton.

It’s a well deserved honor.

Kate is the last women to achieve the repeat cover distinction since Tyra Banks did it in 1996 and 1997. Interestingly, two models have actually had a 3peat on the S.I. cover before. Christine Brinkley did it in 1979, 80 and 81, while Elle MacPherson accomplished the feat between 1986 and 1988. Kate actually was on the cover in 2011 as an inset, which doesn’t technically count. But hey, a 3peat for her in 2014 would not shock me in the slightest.

And if by this time next year, if I am telling my friends that Kate Upton and I just pulled a 3peat experience of sexual intimacy, then that would shock me in the slightest.

Editor’s note: Upon minimal research, I just learned that “Galentine’s Day” is actually a reference to the show “Parks and Recreation.” So I guess the joke is on me. However, I still think the crux of what I said still very much holds true. I will not back down.

Happy Valentine’s Day

There are three things in life that one can always come to expect. Death, taxes, and girls posting pictures of flowers on Facebook on Valentine’s Day.

That being said, allow me to present you with a photo collage of all of the flower photos that surfaced on my news feed in this day.

Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

It’s funny, sometimes I wonder if girls enjoy getting flowers because they simply love the thought that goes behind receiving flowers, or because they want to post them on Facebook so they could flaunt the fact that they received flowers?

But hey, who am I to rain on their parade? Receiving flowers and subsequently posting them on Facebook is an age-old tradition that goes all the way back to… 2005. So who I am to argue about tradition? It’s clearly something that gives girls joy. And I know a lot about giving girls joy.


In fact, for the first time ever, I sort of embraced the Valentine’s Day spirit. Normally, on Feb. 14, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing the slightest trace of red, but today I decided to bust out my red scarf for the very first time.

You know that everyone in the world thinks about their apparel on Valentine’s Day. Obviously girls more than guys, but I think I can vouch that guys at least think about it a little. So whenever I see a girl not wearing red on Valentine’s Day, I know that it was preemptively planned, and it always makes me laugh. So, thinking along those lines, you might as well embrace it.

However, I do like to be a hipster and break trends. I wear green the day before St. Patrick’s day, because I am that bad-ass.

Also, for the second straight year, I wished Taylor Swift a happy Valentine’s Day on Twitter, to no avail (although there still is five hours left in the day! *false hope*), so that is starting to become a Valentine’s Day tradition of mine.

Rejection from 2011:

This year’s rejection:

One day, ONE DAY, Taylor is going to log onto Twitter the same exact moment I tweet something at her, and she will happen to come across it and respond to it. I have to believe it. I have to.

Something I am grateful for on this Valentine’s Day, however, is that no shitty manipulative movie came out that will provide even shittier boyfriends with a cop-out of what to do on Valentine’s Day.

Oh wait, I forgot about this movie:

God dammit. I’ll probably watch it too once I can download it illega– err, I mean, rent it from a Red Box in a few months…

But seriously, something that I genuinely am grateful for on this Valentine’s Day is the leaking of the 2012 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition cover. It is none other than the absolute hottest women on the planet — Kate Upton.


Her face is actually pretty heavily photo shopped, which is ridiculous, because it is a vision of perfection. The best part about Kate is that she is not anorexic and she actually flaunts her curves, which are her best asset. I would do anything for her to go out with me, even if it meant that we had to purchase tickets to see “The Vow” in theaters. I’d do that for her.

Alright, well on that note, I’m going to, uh, go to the bathroom, and… do things.

Happy Valentine’s Day everybody. Enjoy the flowers.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

As some of you may remember, a year ago I wrote several pessimistic and disheartening blogs in the days leading up to Valentine’s Day. Which, aside from it being gay that I as a male even give a shit about this holiday, was for several reasons.

At the time, I wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind. I was heartbroken, one might say. And it wasn’t for one specific reason, but several things that accumulated. In other words, I was down in the dumps. And that feeling was further magnified by the fact that I was hardly employed. My life was basically lacking meaning at the time.

I’m not trying to sound emotional, that’s just how it was. I got through it. I woke up one day, slapped myself in the face, got a job, and never looked back. One year later, I’m arguably in the best place in my life that I’ve ever been in. I love my job, I love my friends, and I love the fact that I have money and can be free and independent. It’s amazing how much can change in a year.

Bearing that in mind, you may have noticed my lack of anti-Valentine’s Day posts recently. I did one a couple of weeks ago, and I made a couple other mentions throughout other blogs, but that was more for humor purposes than anything.

It’s mainly because I really just don’t care. Sure, I’ve been my usual cruel self towards women lately, but that’s the norm, whether it’s Valentine’s day or not.

You may wonder why I am so vicious towards the female gender. But, to be honest, while I do feel strong emotions towards women basically, well, all the time, I can’t tell the difference anymore whether that emotion is love or hate. It’s like when a kid in elementary school teases a girl by pulling her pigtails or throwing pencils at her, and then he justifies it by saying “I hate her,” when really, deep down, he loves her. That’s how I feel towards women in general. I know it’s cliché to say, but there is a fine line between love and hate.

Basically, what I’m trying to say is, I truly hope that all my readers, and particularly the ladies, who have a special someone in their life had a remarkable day. I hope he took you out to – or cooked (as long as he didn’t discuss the ingredients with you, because that would be legitimate reasoning to break up with him) — a nice dinner and then you snuggled on the sofa while watching a crappy movie. And then hopefully you reciprocated the favor upon going to bed.

Sex. I’m talking about sex.

However, I am amused to say that all of the things that I predicted would happen today in my Valentine’s day blog did indeed happen. But I did forget to mention one thing: all girls will wear red shirts. Saw plenty of them today.

In addition, girls everywhere posted pictures of Valentine’s Day gifts they received, and/or stated on Facebook what exactly their boyfriend did to surprise to them.

And, predictably, the single girls all posted how glad they were that they were single. Yeah, okay!

Other than that, it was just as normal a day as ever.

Anyway, I watched the Grammys last night, just like I said I would. Perhaps it was because I set my expectations really low, but I actually enjoyed the night’s proceedings. Even the performances I was dreading — Lady Gaga, Katy Perry — were bearable.

However, I can’t believe some of the outfits that some people were wearing. I don’t get how you can appear on national television in front of millions of people dressed like a fucking clown, and not be embarrassed. I guess it’s because they’re supposed to be “artistic.” At least Jason Segal made a funny comment about it.

Speaking of funny comments, Seth Rogen won the night with his Miley Cyrus jab. “This is my first time attending the Grammys, and I’ve seen things I’ve never seen before, I’ve heard things I’ve never heard before, and that’s just from being backstage getting high with Miley Cyrus.” Awesome.

I was secretly hoping that Eminem would win Album of the Year. Mainly because I knew that if he didn’t win it this year, he never would (although he should have won it for the Marshall Mathers LP — I still have no idea who the fuck Steely Dan is.) Regardless, I thought for sure that Lady Antebellum would win. So I was pleasantly surprised when Arcade Fire won. I know who they are and have some songs of theirs on my iPod, but never really listened to them too closely. But I know they’ve definitely got a lot of talent and it’s cool to see indie rock get some recognition.

However, the best part of the Grammys wasn’t the performances, nor the awards, nor the Seth Rogen joke, but this local  reporter having some type of neurological episode on live TV following the show:

Poor women. Something tells me that she did not have a very good Valentine’s Day.

Is it Too Early to Start Bashing Valentine’s Day?

Amazingly, the first month of 2011 is coming to a close and we are just a few short hours away from February.

When we look back on January, we will remember one thing about it: snow. Lots of it. And believe it or not, I just heard on the news an hour ago that another storm is expected this week. So expect a lot more complaining about it from people on Facebook. But anyway, now we can look onwards towards February.

The shortest month of the year, February is significant for a few reasons. In baseball, pitchers and catches report this month. It’s also black history month. The Oscars occur in February. And of course, right smack dab in the middle of February is the single most important holiday of the year —

Forget Christmas (the birthday of Jesus Christ), Thanksgiving (the uniting of the pilgrims and the Native Americans) or Independence Day (the anniversary of our country gaining its independence from Great Britain), those holidays pale in comparison to Valentine’s Day. Nothing is more important than this day. At least that is what any women will tell you.

Here are the guarantees of what will occur on Valentine’s Day/

1) Women in relationships will feel a completely undeserved and unearned sense of importance and entitlement — and will let you know on Facebook.

2) Single women will feel depressed and lonely — and will let you know on Facebook.

3) There will be many pictures of candy and flowers posted on Facebook.

4) Guys will not give a shit.

5) A terrible movie will be released (see last year: “Valentine’s Day,” one of the biggest pieces of crap I’ve ever seen.)

6) I will be avoiding Facebook on this day.

It’s not even that I hate the idea of Valentine’s Day. If a guy and a girl really are experiencing true love, and want to have a day to celebrate that love, then kudos to them. I’m happy for you guys.

But, just the idea that girls place so much importance on Valentine’s Day, and expect so much out of their male counterparts, and require so much fucking attention, sickens me to my core.

Also, it’s a fake holiday. Nothing happened on February 14th. The date is insignificant. It is a date that was picked so that we as people could be brainwashed and manipulated into thinking that it has significance. If you want to pick a day to be romantic and celebrate your love, then why not the anniversary of the day you met? How could the day of your fucking anniversary not be as important as an arbitrary date that has zero actual significance?

It just gives girls an excuse to wake up one morning and be think: “Nothing should be more important than me.” Which is what they want to think every day, of course (and do.)

We have plenty of excuse to celebrate other holidays, like the ones I mentioned above. We are actually celebrating something. And for a reason. The dates of other holidays are not arbitrary.

Who pushes and promotes Valentine’s Day (other than women)? Hallmark does. And Jewelry companies. How many times have you seen commercials lately with a voice-over saying “This Valentine’s Day, buy her…” They are manipulating us. They know we are stupid, and that we will buy into whatever shit they spew at us, and they want us to celebrate the holiday so that they will make money. And we do. And they do.

Like I said, I’m all for love and happiness. But not Valentine’s Day. If such a day exists where we have to appease and satisfy our female partners nonstop throughout a 24-hour period, then why doesn’t a day exist where we get to ignore them for a 24-hour period?

Oh wait, that day does exist. It’s called every other day of the year.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

“Just go over and talk to her!”


“I said why don’t you go talk to her?

“Talk to who?”

“That girl you’ve been staring at all night!”

“Huh? I… I haven’t…”

“Oh, shut up man. It’s pretty fucking obvious.”

He says nothing. Had he really been that blatant? His friend has been talking to him about… something… but he couldn’t hold his attention. The most gorgeous girl he had ever laid eyes on was sitting alone at the opposite end of the bar. But he figured as long as he kept nodding and throwing in the occasional “yeah” and “I agree” to his friend, then it would at least appear that he had been paying rapt attention.

“Eh… I don’t know man, she’s not really my type.”

She was completely his type.

“I’m more into blondes.”

What was he talking about? He hated blondes.

“She probably has a boyfriend, anyway.”

He hoped not.

“Plus she looks like she’s a real bitch. I don’t need that”

Now he was just grasping at straws.

“Dude, if you say one more excuse not to go talk to her, then I will.”

“No… no… alright. Maybe I will. Maybe.”

Truth is, he had been thinking of opening lines in his head for the past half-hour. There was this girl, this perfect girl, sitting alone at the edge of the bar. At first he figured that she was meeting somebody, because a girl like that couldn’t possibly be single.

He had seen her, exactly thirty-two minutes ago when she walked into the bar. It was like a scene from a movie; when the beautiful girl walks into a party, and everything goes silent while romantic music plays in the background. That’s exactly what happened in his head. He watched as she walked in, sauntered gracefully towards the bar, and sat down in the last seat. She ordered a vodka tonic, and has since ordered another.

“So, you gonna do it, or what?”

“I don’t know… I still don’t think I’m ready to – “

“Oh, shut the hell up. It’s been six months since you broke up with Katie… dude you need to move on already!”

He doesn’t respond. Had it been six months already? It sure didn’t seem like it. Inevitably, the mention of Katie’s name sends him into a whirlwind of emotions. The day they first met at the subway stop… their first date… their first sexual experience… their walks in the park… the phone calls at 2 AM… the stupid arguments… the lack of communication… and of course, the break-up. It was a track that has been playing on repeat in his mind for the past six months, and there’s absolutely nothing he could do to stop it.

“…You there, man?”

“What? Oh… yeah… just give me a second…”

Ever since the break-up, he hadn’t even thought about the idea of meeting another girl. He had always been under the assumption that him and Katie would get back together. But it was exactly one month ago today when it finally registered in his head that it would never happen, when she showed up at the same party he was at… with her new boyfriend.

But that was until today. Until thirty-five minutes ago, when this gorgeous girl walked into the bar. For the first time, he imagines himself with her, and how good it would feel to love again. He imagines himself walking up to the girl and saying something funny. Or something smart. Even better, something funny and smart. She laughs, and he knows he’s in. They begin to talk, exchanging funny anecdotes about the world, and realizing by the minute how much they have in common.

She’s just broken up with somebody too, and has been since looking to meet somebody else, which is why she came to this bar tonight. In fact, she noticed him as soon as she sat down, and was hoping that he would come over… and he did. Hours fly by, but to the two of them time has become insignificant; there’s only two things in the world that they know…

Her… and him.

Before they know it, the bartender announces last call. He asks her for her number, and she gives it to him immediately. He kisses her on the cheek goodnight, and then leaves with his friends as they congratulate him on a job well done. Three stressful days pass by as he has to restrain himself a good fifty times from calling her, not wanting to seem to desperate. Finally, on the third day, he calls.

She has been waiting for his call. They agree to see each other that night, and they hit it off yet again. From that day forward, he knows that she is the one. After many dates, many phone calls, and many nights spent together… he finally meets her parents, and they love him. They move in together, and send out Christmas cards that following year with both of them on it.

On a pleasant Sunday afternoon, he proposes to her. She says yes. A year later, they get married. They grow old together, have kids, and never a day goes by where their love for each other doesn’t remain strong. Neither of them will ever forget that magical day at the bar that brought them together.

“Alright, time’s up man. Go talk to her.”

“Get me a shot.”

“Now, we’re talking! Bartender, two shots, please!”

He watches the girl across the room as his friend orders the shots. His heart skips a beat as he sees her glance over his way. Unless he’s seriously mistaken, he could have swore she just smiled at him.

“Here’s your shot, buddy.”

Without hesitation, he grabs the shot glass and pounds it, then slams the glass back down on the table.

It’s now or never.

He takes one more glance at the girl before taking a deep breath, and then walking straight towards her. His heart feels like it’s beating out of his chest; it’s so loud that he wonders if maybe she’ll even hear it. He’s halfway there, and by this time the girl seems to know what’s happening. She watches him as he makes his way over towards her.

He keeps repeating over and over in his head: Destiny. What else would have brought this girl to this bar tonight? This lowly, rundown bar in this small town that people rarely go to. There’s no doubt in his mind that it wasn’t a coincidence… that they both came to this bar for a reason. Destiny.

Here goes nothing. After six months of unhappiness, today is undoubtedly the day that he will be reborn.

He sits down in the empty seat next to the girl, and smiles. He already knows what he’s going to say.

“Hi… I couldn’t help but notice you from – “

“No thank you.”

No thank you? That’s not what she’s supposed to say…

“I… I beg your pardon…?”

“I have a boyfriend. But thanks.”

“Oh… right. Of course. Have a good night…’

The dream ends.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day Isn’t Real.

So Valentine’s Day is just five days away. Yayyyyyy! Whoop-dee-motherfucking-doo! What a made-up holiday. We have all officially been manipulated by Hallmark to believe that February the 14th has actual significance.

Who benefits from this day?? Single people hate it, because it reminds them that they are alone. Girls more than guys, naturally. As for people in relationships, Valentine’s Day is the worst nightmare for men. You are forced to spend a ton of money, and if you don’t… you’re an asshole. It’s probably the most egregious thing you can do to not acknowledge Valentine’s Day. If you’re gonna do that, you might as well just cheat on her with her best friend.

As for the girls in relationships, they are really the lone beneficiaries. But even then, they just start comparing with their other girl friends what they received for the holiday from their significant other, and then it becomes a competition. They’re never happy.

And what about those awkward couples, like when you’ve only been on like four dates? What is the protocol for that? What about a girl you’re just hooking up with? What about a girl you’re secretly in love with? Are you supposed to use the day to let them know how you feel? Yea, way to be original, jackass.

Valentine’s Day can cause A LOT of problems.

The biggest beneficiaries from this day, as I stated before, is Hallmark. Because whatever you get her, you have to get a goddamn card. Hallmark salivates whenever February is just around the corner, because they know a million saps are going to walk into their stores and pick up cards created with such little effort that a chimpanzee could have written them.

I could just see the meetings that take place at hallmark come Valentine’s Day…

Bob: Alright guys, Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. It’s time to put on your thinking caps. We need some romantic lines, and the cornier the better. I want shit that girls will eat right up. Alright, whaddya got? Mitch… how about you?

Mitch: Umm… how about… ‘I Love you’

Bob: Brilliant, Mitch. Brilliant. You see guys, this is the stuff that girls go for. The simpler, the better.  Amy… whatcha got for me?

Amy: Hmm… ‘I Love You… Deeply’

Bob: Nice work, Amy… I like where this is going! Who’s next? Larry, keep the good vibes going!

Larry: ‘Will You Be My Valentine?’

Bob: What?! What the fuck Larry… I’m not gay. And I’m married… so no, I won’t be your Valentine.

Larry: No no no… Bob, That’s my idea for the card. It’ll say ‘Will You Be My Valentine?’

Bob: Oh… right… of course. I knew that. Good, good. Was just testing you… who’s next?

Susie: ‘You – ‘

Bob: *Cuts her off* Fucking genius, Susie! Did you hear that folks?! There it is… that will be our number one best seller!

Susie: But I wasn’t finished…

Bob: But it’s perfect. It’s short, simple… and it tells all you need to know. “You!” What else do you need? I want 10,000 copies printed by 5:00 today. Alright, Spencer… you haven’t spoken in a while… what’s your idea?

Spencer:  *stands up, clears his throat and talks in a detached voice while staring absentmindedly into the distance* “ My dearest Valentine… I would tell you that I love you, but the word ‘Love’ does not do justice in describing the way I feel about you. My heart leaps, my breath quickens, and my head lightens at the very thought of you. When I’m with you, all I can think about is that I am the only person in the world right now that is standing right beside you. And because of that simple fact, I consider myself the luckiest man in the entire world. I used to go about my days thinking that when I went to sleep at night I had accomplished so much. But until I met you, I realized that my life did not have any meaning. Now when I go to sleep, the last thing I think about before I fall asleep is you, and even when I dream… I still cannot escape you. I always thought I was happy, but the day that you walked into my life, I instantly realized that I never knew the true meaning of that word. Because I can never truly be happy unless I am with you. There are very few things that I am sure of in this world, but I have never been more sure of what I am currently feeling in my heart. You inspire me to be the best that I can possibly be, and I promise you that not a day will go by for the rest of eternity where I will not love you with all my heart and soul…


Bob: …What the fuck was that, Spencer?

Spencer: Love.

Bob: It was horseshit! Biggest piece of crap I have ever heard! Get the hell out of here, you’re fired!

*Spencer walks out of the room*

Bob: Holy crap… that’s the kind of shit that will put us out of business! Wow… somebody, salvage this meeting, quickly!

Robert: How about… ‘Be mine.”

Bob: Thank god… I knew I could count on you, Robert.  “Be mine!” How does your mind create these beautiful words?

Robert:  It just happens.

Bob: Holy crap… what did you just say??

Robert: …it just happens?

Bob: And that’s it, folks. Our new catchphrase. “It… Just… Happens” Absolutely fan-fucking-tastic! Print that on the front page of our website. It’ll be the new Valentine’s Day slogan! Robert, you get a promotion!

Robert: Cool.

Bob: Alright, everyone. Get back to work… we’re gonna make a fortune this Valentine’s Day! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha

What is Love?

What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. No more.

To me, that is the single most profound quote in the history of our universe. It was uttered by none other than the Trinidadian singer Alexander Nestor Haddaway, better known by his stage name “Haddaway,” in his worldwide 1993 hit, ‘What is Love?’

What is love? Hollywood tries to force it down our throats in practically every movie. They try to tell us what it is. I can probably gather a million quotes from films that start with the sentence “love is…” or “I love you because…” Well, let me tell you something… it’s alllllll bullshit.

And I’m not even a disbeliever. I’m not saying that true love doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t exist in the way that people think it does. It’s so hard to find because for every good person there is out there, there are ten other shitty ones that are just waiting to stab you in the back. That’s why it is very easy to be skeptical.

Life is not a romantic comedy, no matter how many of them you see. We don’t all end up marrying Drew Barrymore or Jennifer Aniston, believe it or not. For most people, love is a figment of our imaginations. We want it to exist, and we pretend we love… but, sometimes it’s more coexisting than it is love.

I’m genuinely confused as to what it is. Does love have to be returned for it to be considered love? If you tell someone you love them, yet they don’t love you back… then what is that? Does love have to go both ways? I love the Mets, but they don’t give a shit about me. In fact, I’m convinced they hate their fans. Why else would they make us endure everything that we’ve gone through?

To get to the bottom of this, I decided to interview the authority on love. Who better to ask about the meaning of love… then Cupid, himself?


Me: Hey, Cupid. Is it alright if I call you Cupid?

Cupid: Actually, I’d prefer Dr. Cupid.

Me: Nah, I’m not going to call you that.

Cupid: Okay.

Me: Alright, Cupid, I want you to explain to me once and for all… what is love?

Cupid: it’s the greatest thing ever. It’s when you meet that person, and you just know, you just know that they are the one. Know that they’re the one you want to spend every minute of your life with. They’re the first person you think about when you wake up in the morning, and the last person you think about before you go to bed at night. Upon meeting them, you realize that every moment in your life before that was meaningless, and that now that you’ve found this person, you feel like richest person in the world… even if you don’t have a cent to your name. They’re your best friend… and also your lover.

Me: And you really believe all that?

Cupid: Oh yes. Very much so.

Me: Sounds wayyy too sappy.

Cupid: Love is not sappy. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world! True love is rare, but when it happens, there’s nothing better!

Me: What about winning a million dollars?

Cupid: Money is very superficial. You can buy material possessions, but you can’t by happiness… and certainly not love!

Me: I can buy love if I want.

Cupid: No, you can’t. It’s not possible.

Me: I can.

Cupid: No, I said you can’t! You simply can’t! It’s an abstract thing!

Me: Alright, relax Cupid… I was just fucking with you. I know I can’t buy love.

Cupid: Very funny.

Me: Alright, I see what you’re saying, I guess. But if true love exists, why do so many marriages end in divorce?

Cupid: I get that question a lot. It’s simply because people think they have found love… when they truly haven’t yet. Love can be temporary sometimes. That’s why it’s not true love.

Me: So, let me get this straight. There’s temporary love, then there’s true love?

Cupid: Also normal love.

Me: What’s that?

Cupid: People that stay married despite never experiencing true love.

Me: Okay, now that’s bullshit. There’s either love, or there isn’t love. Not three kinds of love.

Cupid: The point, you can’t rush love. It’s like the movie “Fools Rush In” with Matthew Perry and Selma Hayek. I’ve never actually seen it, but I feel like it would apply here,

Me: You’re really not doing a good job selling me on love.

Cupid: I don’t have to. You’ll just know that love exists when you feel it.

Me: And what if I don’t feel it?

Cupid: You will!

Me: Buuuuut what if I don’t?

Cupid: Impossible. Everybody experiences love at some point!

Me: Have you?

Cupid: Well, that’s not an option for me because I –

Me: Wait a goddamn minute. You’re supposed to be the God of Love, yet you’ve never actually experienced love? Come to think of it… I’ve never even seen you with a girl before? You’re always alone!

Cupid: Well, it’s my job to ensure-

Me: Cut that crap. Have you ever been in love?

Cupid: I… I –

Me: Answer!

Cupid! Alright! Alright, I haven’t! Okay! I’m a goddamn flying baby! I wear diapers for Christ sake! Who would ever love me?!?! I’m hideous!

Me: So you’ve never been in love, yet you try to make others believe it. That’s pretty freaking hypocritical if you ask me.

Cupid: *starts to cry* I know! I’m a fraud!

Me: Cupid, I want you to be honest here. Does. Love. Exist?

Cupid: I… I don’t know.

Me: Does love exist?

Cupid: it could…

Me: one more time, Cupid. Does love exist?

Cupid: *breaks down completely* No! Alright, you happy now? There’s no such thing! It’s made-up… a fairy tale! Invented by the Gods so that people could actually be happy. They think they’re in love… but it isn’t real. It’s impossible to be infatuated with just one person; eventually we will all betray one another! It’s an endless cycle of deceit!

Me: And there you have it everyone. Cupid, the god of love himself, admitting that there is no such thing as love.

Cupid: You’re evil! What do you want me to say next, that Santa isn’t real?

Me: What? Santa isn’t real?!?!

Cupid: You believe in Santa but not love? What is wrong with you?

Me: You just ruined Christmas for me you bastard! *strangles Cupid, he tries to fight back but I pin him down to the ground* Say mercy! Say it! Say it!

Cupid: Mercy! Mercy!

Me:  *lets go of Cupid* No wonder girls don’t like you, Cupid. You need to hit the gym, man.

Cupid: I used to have a six-pack, but once I realized that I’m going to die alone I just started eating too much chocolate.

Me: I hear ya, bro. So what are your arrows for then? If love isn’t real, what do they do?

Cupid: Kill people.

Me: Oh.