Well, this is a real treat. Don’t ask me how, but I’ve managed to track down the man everybody has been talking about for the past couple of weeks. And not necessarily for good reasons. In fact, the complete opposite.
He’s starred in such films as “Platoon,” “Wall Street,” the “Major League” franchise, and now… he’s everybody’s favorite cracked out psycho headcase. So much so that Tom Cruise seems perfectly sane in comparison. And he’s here to talk to me. I’m so excited. Allow me to introduce… Charlie Sheen!
Me: Hey Charlie! Welcome!
Sheen: Please, call me Charlie.
Sheen: Mind if I light a cigarette?
Me: I kind of do, actually.
Sheen: Thanks. *lights a cigarette*
Me: So, anyway. I just heard the news. I’m sorry you got fired from “Two and a Half Men.” Bummer.
Sheen: Please, they can’t fire me. I’m Charlie Sheen. I’m not fired.
Me: It… seems… pretty official actually. CBS and Warners Brothers Television issued a joint statement.
Sheen: No, I’m not fired. I’m winning.
Me: You’re winning?
Sheen: That’s right.
Me: You’re unemployed, you’re a laughingstock to the entire nation, you’ve been in and out of rehab several times in the past year, and you beat women. How is that winning?
Sheen: It just is.
Me: But you’ve —
Me: Please, let me finish.
Me: So what are you going to do now?
Sheen: Who knows? I can do anything. I’ve got tiger blood, man.
Me: Sorry I just need to clarify. You know you don’t actually have tiger blood right? You’re human.
Sheen: No I have tiger blood. I’m winning and I have tiger blood.
Me: Okay. I thought this might come up. That is why, before this interview, I contacted one of the world’s most brilliant minds, Stephen Hawking, to chime in. Stephen, welcome.
Stephen: *through voice synthesizer* Hello.
Me: Stephen, is it physically possible for a human to have tiger blood in their body?
Stephen: No. It is not. Humans have four blood types. Type A, Type B, Type AB and Type O. Tiger blood does not fall under any of those categories.
Me: Thank you Stephen. You may leave. Charlie, do you understand?
Sheen: Who even was that guy? Look at him, he looks like a huge nerd. Clearly is not winning.
Me: He’s a theoretical physicist. Possibly the smartest man in the world. His book, A Brief History of Time, broke a world-record by remaining atop the bestseller list on the British Sunday Times for 237 consecutive weeks.
Sheen: Whatever man. I’m Charlie Sheen. I don’t care.
Me: You said recently in an interview with “Good Day New York” that you stopped doing drugs because they “bored you.”
Sheen: That’s right.
Me: You know that means that you’ve done so much drugs that they no longer have an effect on you? The lack of effect means your brain is fried out, and, subsequently, you’re probably showing early signs of dementia.
Sheen: Pssh. What does that word even mean, “dementia?”
Me: It means a serious loss of cognitive ability in a previously unimpaired person, beyond what might be expected from normal aging. It’s a very, very real and serious thing.
Sheen: I’m not like most people, man. That shit doesn’t happen to me.
Me: How did you even get dressed this morning?
Sheen: I pay someone to do that for me.
Me: It all makes sense now. Well, I officially feel much dumber. Thank you Charlie. You’ve proved to the youth of America that no matter how fucked up in the head you may be, all you need is to do a couple interviews on major television networks, come up with a couple of catch phrases, create a Twitter account, and you will capture the hearts of everybody. You’re a great role model and an inspiration for all.
Sheen: And don’t forget…
Me: We know, Charlie. You’re winning.
Sheen: Did you know my real name is Charlie Estevez?
Me: Nobody cares.