I can’t believe how many people believed this Facebook copyright notice was legit

Facebook feeds across the world were barraged the past few days with a declaration that people amazingly thought would legally protect them from any invasive policies the social networking giant imposes in the future.

Posts like this that get recycled over and over are annoying enough. It’s like the Facebook version of an AOL chain letter. But when they’re so obviously fictitious, and people still somehow believe they’re real, it really makes you shake your head.

The hoax copyright notice went something like, “As of September 29, at 9:30 p.m. Eastern time, I do not give Facebook or any entities associated with Facebook permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future…” and rambled on for several more sentences of nonsense to make laypeople think it was legit.

Firstly, the fact that people thought simply copying and pasting this message constituted a legally binding document is maddening enough. I’ll admit, I have some Facebook friends who did not surprise me in the slightest by posting this. But there are some other people I now learned are much less smarter than I thought.

HoaxThis message pops up every few months. And it’s always immediately shot down as fake. 

Even Facebook basically laughed about it.

The other thing that peeves me is that if you possess a Facebook account, you just have to concede that you are a slave to them. If you haven’t deleted your account yet, you’re never going to.

Facebook can do whatever they want, and we’ll stay right there with them. If you actually care about your information and photos being taken and disseminated, then don’t publish anything that you’d regret being seen. It’s that simple.

Anyone who actually wants to enlighten themselves as to what Facebook does do with your information simply needs to click on its Terms page, which is easily accessible on everyone’s homepage. However, I’d fathom a guess that there are maybe nine people in the world who have ever bothered to read a terms of service page. And those nine people also probably read the instructions before playing board games.

It’s especially bothersome because this stupidity detracted from another piece of news this week that is scientifically groundbreaking. Mars has liquid water. It’s a discovery that means life could exist there.

Just bear in mind that life does not mean aliens. Minuscule things like bacteria and microbes are also alive.

However, if Martians did exist, it makes you wonder if they’d be as stupid as Earthlings.

I guess there’s only one way to find out. Give them a Facebook account, and if they post, “As of September 29, at 9:30 p.m. Mars time, I do not give Earth or any people associated with Earth permission to use my water,” then yes, they are as stupid us.

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Wi Tu Dumb

At the end of last night’s post I touched on the moronic blunder by the San Francisco news station KTVU-TV after it read aloud four bogus names of the pilots who crash landed Asiana Airlines Flight 214 on July 6, killing three and injuring hundreds. Not only were the names inaccurate, but they all contained insanely obvious hidden meanings, and were very racially insensitive.

Since I had other fish to fry yesterday, I thought I could just mention it at the bottom and be done with it. I figured it might even be old news by today. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how impossibly dumb this mistake was.

And it most certainly deserves its own post.

By now, you should have all seen it. Anchor Tori Campbell reported that the network had retrieved the names, and that they had confirmed them with the National Transportation Safety Board. She then proceeded to read the names, completely unaware that she, and her news station, were the victims of a very obvious prank.

See for yourself, if you haven’t already.

What makes this so mind-boggling is that the names aren’t that cleverly disguised. Perhaps if you saw one of them by itself, you might be deceived for a moment. But the four together, even a 9-year-old should be able to see right through them.

These are like Bart Simpson jokes. One utterance of them aloud should have exposed the names for what they were, and they never would have been read on live television. Also, Mike Roch says hi.

But somehow, someway, a group of news producers and writers failed to see the humor that was embedded in those fake names, and they rolled with it. Shortly after reading them on air, the network issued an apology, and reaffirmed that the names had been approved by the NTSB.

As a result, the NTSB responded by claiming a summer intern was the one who confirmed the names. Because as we all know, summer interns are usually given very important responsibilities like that.

And if someone thought this story would simply go away, well they clearly don’t know how the world works. Asiana Airlines is suing KTU-TV for “damaging the airline’s reputation.” You know, because crashing a plane wasn’t damaging enough.

And here’s a brilliant joke that I can’t take credit for: To pursue the suit, they’ve retained the services of legendary local attorney Mi Su Yu.

Again, no words in the human language can possible explain how this all transpired. For a group of professionals to actually be hoodwinked by such an immature — yet hilarious — prank is nothing short of astonishing. What’s been lost in all of this, by the way, is how the station acquired these names to begin with? Clearly no one with actual credibility would have tried something like this, so it’s feasible that they simply received an anonymous email, and in their desperate desire to break the news, they actually took it seriously. Bravo.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if the summer intern answered the phone, heard the names, and confirmed that they were real just because he or she thought it would be funny. I mean, if you’re an intern, who gives a shit if you get fired?

Stephen Colbert was all over this on his most recent show, and issued a hysterical three-minute diatribe in response to this messy situation. It is well worth the watch.

Does the network deserved to be sued? Who knows. Probably not. But do they deserved to be mocked and ridiculed for the remainder of time? Absolutely.

I must have watched the video about a dozen times already, and it gets funnier with each viewing. The way the anchor pronounces each name is almost too good to be true. It really is almost like the Simpsons sketches, when Moe Szyslak says each fake name perfectly so as to fully embarrass himself. Well that is exactly what happened here. And I love how she enunciates “Ho Lee Fuk” as “Ho Lee Fook,” as if her thought process was, “Well, I’m going to slightly alter the pronunciation of that name so as to not offend anyone.” Well, that backfired.

News outlets are often accused of being ignorant, fear-mongering, or politically or agenda driven, but it’s nice to see one in the spotlight for just being plain stupid. It’s quite refreshing, and I for one hope that the cast and crew keep their jobs so that they could provide us with more humor in the future.

Before I wrap up here, I must do my due diligence as a credible news blogger and close the book on Cory Monteith. Apparently the toxicology results were expedited due to great popular interest, and have already been released by the British Columbia coroner. Unfortunately, it’s what many suspected — a deadly mix of heroin and alcohol.

Which I guess means that the true marker of success in life is whether police speed up your toxicology reports if you accidentally overdose.

It is almost a little sad to know that Glee fans, who I would assume lie in the ages of 13 to 18, are suddenly exposed to this. When you’re young, you don’t expect your favorite actor on your favorite television show to die suddenly from drugs. However, it’s never too early in life to learn about the ill effects of such dangerous stimulants. So, if you’re looking for any silver lining — any at all — in Monteith’s death, it’s that maybe he’ll influence some young kids to stay the fuck away from heroin.

It’s that simple.

So people think they are lawyers on Facebook now

Many of you, like me, may have come across a certain Facebook status on their News Feed recently. In fact, many of you, like me, may have come across this message multiple times.

I’ve already voiced my displeasure regarding these chain Facebook statuses that try to manipulate and guilt-trip people into sharing it with their own followers. The message will say something like, “Cancer is bad. If you don’t share this than you clearly disagree.”

Okay so maybe it wasn’t those exact words, but these type of things bother me because they are completely artificial and fake. If you want to speak up about a cause, then say it in your own words — don’t copy somebody else’s or don’t let somebody else do it for you.

It’s similar to Joseph Gordon’s Levitt inspirational yet somber diatribe towards the end of (500) Days of Summer, when he quits his job at the greeting card factory, explaining how the words in greeting cards are devoid of actual emotion, and just provide people with excuses to not have to say things in their own words.

[Spoiler alert]

But anyway, I’m gearing a little off topic here. The Facebook status that I am referring to doesn’t bother me because of its manipulative agenda, it bothers me because of its sheer stupidity.

So here is the message I am referring to:

In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to all of my personal details, illustrations, comics, paintings, professional photos and videos, etc. (as a result of the Berner Convention))

For commercial use of the above my written consent is needed at all times!

(Anyone reading this can copy this text and paste it on their Facebook Wall. This will place

them under protection of copyright laws. By the present communiqué, I notify Facebook that it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, disseminate, or take any other action against me on the basis of this profile and/or its contents. The aforementioned prohibited actions also apply to employees, students, agents and/or any staff under Facebook’s direction or control. The content of this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of my privacy is punished by law (UCC 1 1-308-308 1-103 and the Rome Statute).Facebook is now an open capital entity. All members are recommended to publish a notice like this, or if you prefer, you may copy and paste this version. If you do not publish a statement at least once, you will be tacitly allowing the use of elements such as your photos as well as the information contained in your profile status updates.
.

First of all, it absolutely baffles my mind that somebody can read this and think that it is real. It amazes me that somebody would see this status, and actually think with their brain that by reposting it onto their own News Feed, they are somehow accomplishing something. And yet, so many people did.

ABCNews, among many other outlets, have already verified this message as a hoax.

Hey, NO SHIT.

I didn’t think that, by some miraculous loophole, the wizards at Facebook somehow made changes without realizing that everything they did could be outdone by a simple post of a Facebook status. In fact, the article states that there isn’t even such a thing as the Berner Convention. It’s actually called the Berne Convention.

When I read the Facebook status for the first time, I nearly lost my shit laughing when I read the “UCC 1 1-308-308 1-103” part. I’m sorry, but there is no way that is a real anything. It’s simply just a cluster of letters and numbers and that have no bearing on absolutely anything. Again, I can’t repeat it enough, it just blows my mind that there are some people out there who thought it was legit.

Also note that the word “communique” with the actual accent is in the same paragraph. You really can’t make this shit up.

Scopes.com, a site that is devoted towards debunking myths, says that when you agree to Facebook’s privacy agreement upon registration, they can not retroactively change your privacy or copyright terms. It’s illegal. So… there you go.

Honestly, if people are this gullible, then I have half a mind to post something on my Facebook wall that reads as such:

In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that I am Jesus.
.

If some people out there think they can singlehandedly bypass Facebook’s privacy laws by posting a status, then I don’t see why I can’t make them believe I am Jesus. They’ll see my status and say, “Well, he posted it on Facebook, and he used the word ‘hereby,’ so, I guess that means he is Jesus now.”

But you know what — people of the world, please, please, never change. It’s your stupidity and naivety that keeps the world interesting. And most importantly, without you guys, I wouldn’t have really have much to talk about.

Could we have the Rebecca Black of 2012?

You guys remember Rebecca Black?

Of course you do. You remember her because never before, in the history of the universe, has a 14-year-old girl ever emerged as one of the most hated people in America. I mean, in the aftermath of “Friday,” she was pretty much up there with Osama Bin Laden, Bernie Madoff, Lord Voldemort and anybody in this world who identifies themselves as a tea partier.

And that’s all because she was a teenager with a rich dad who released a song. Unfortunately — or fortunately — for her, the song was so indescribably bad that it became famous all over the Internet. People watched it and thought, “This is really a song?”

It’s pretty amazing that even in the age of auto-tune, Rebecca Black still sounded awful in Friday. It was pretty painful to listen to.

And in the age of YouTube and Facebook, things can go viral in a matter of seconds. Usually it’s in a good way, like how the death of the aforementioned Osama Bin Laden spread to millions and millions of people once it was made public. However, it can also work in a negative way, and that was the case for us when it came to Rebecca Black.

But, in the harsh world of the digital era, your fifteen minutes cometh, and your fifteen minutes taketh. About one year later, the girl is a mere footnote in the history of our social media age. She’s no longer relevant and she never will be. And nobody remembers her god awful song.

But earlier today, I heard a song that actually made me long for Friday.

No doubt following Rebecca Black’s cue, thousands of girls with rich fathers have probably made music videos, hoping that one of theirs will go viral and they will become successful. If Rebecca Black taught us anything, it’s that you don’t need talent, you don’t need to hone your craft, and you don’t need to actually work hard. As long as you have money, you can skip all of those minor details.

So, inevitably, another terrible song was going to become famous. It was only a matter of time. I’m not necessarily saying that this will become as big as Friday — I truly hope it won’t — but something tells me that it has a chance.

Here it is:

I mean, at least with Rebecca Black, you can tell that somebody tried to make her sound somewhat respectable. They were unsuccessful, but at least they tried.

With this “song,” I don’t think anyone spent any actual time to make any attempt to make these two girls sound better. These two girls wouldn’t even make the cut of American Idol when it comes to bad singers making it on television to provide entertainment value. It’s so monotone and so dull-sounding that it’s just plain unlistenable.

Additionally these girls aren’t hot. Sure, they’re like 13, but come on, any idiot can tell when a 13-year-old at least looks like they are going to be hot. You don’t outwardly acknowledge it, but you can tell. Meanwhile, these two girls’ faces are as dull looking as their voices.

If there is anything that social networking has promoted, it’s laziness. Additionally, things like this make me have more respect each day for artists who become famous on their own — and not through YouTube, Facebook or reality television. Even mediocre musicians like Katy Perry at least deserve that.

However, I suppose that by posting this video, I am only participating in the act of spreading it. But something tells me that you all might have ended up seeing it anyway, I just expedited the process. You heard it here first. Don’t forget it.

So I will anxiously sit back and wait to see if this song — this terrible, God forsaken song — will actually spread virally and become a YouTube sensation. Only time will tell. Which in this day and age, only means about a week or so.

Damn, no-talent shitheads like Rebecca Black and these two bitches can go viral, and my blog, which spits the truth, get’s no love. It’s okay, though. I’m not in it for the money.

I’m in it for the groupies.

Which I am still waiting for.

It’s time to talk about the hipster glasses

I understand that fashion changes and evolves on a regular basis, and that one day something will be hip and cool and then a week later a new thing will be hip and cool. I myself don’t make much of an effort to stay with the latest trends. Honestly, what is the point? If it changes so quickly, why bother?

However, that doesn’t mean I don’t notice the new trends. Some of them I could appreciate, and some of them make me shake my head. I remember about a year ago, when the giant sunglasses were in that covered half of girls’ faces. I honestly thought that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen, and even thinking about it now still pisses me off.

Well, what is the fashion trend of 2012 that pisses me off?

This:

The thick-rimmed black hipster glasses.

I thought glasses were supposed be subtle, refined pieces of apparel that were meant to be individually suited towards each person. That way, when people look at you, the glasses look so natural that you don’t even notice them.

Conversely, these giant black glasses stand out so blatantly like a giant pimple on the front of your nose. They are a monstrosity.

I’m not entirely sure how they started. At first, I noticed a lot of basketball players were wearing them. Like these guys:

But then, suddenly, celebrities started wearing them too!

What the heck is going on in the world? Is everybody in show business really that big of a poser?

“Oh my God! That dude is wearing black thick-rimmed glasses! I guess I have to do it too!”

Glasses are meant to be a practical tool. We wear them because we need to see. Although, I’m not that naive that I don’t understand that people want to look fashionable. If you’re going to wear glasses on your face, you might as well make sure they look good.

But these new glasses are just absurd, and they make everybody look extremely nerdy. And that reminds me where I had seen these glasses before, prior to this new trend!

That’s right. It’s gotten to the point where people are actually mimicking Steve Urkel.

If I see somebody wearing these glasses, I have no problem superficially labeling them as an asshole. I really don’t need to know anything further about them. They are wearing these glasses, so therefore they are an asshole. It is pretty simple.

And the worst part with these celebrities is that they are all rich as hell. So if they experience difficulties with their vision, then they could get the most effective and up-to-date contact lenses on the market. They don’t even need to be wearing glasses. But not only do they wear them, but they wear the most noticeable, douchy ones they could get their hands on. It’s painfully obvious that they do it just for attention.

Heck, I bet that most of these people don’t even have actual prescription glasses. The glass is probably clear. It really would not surprise me.

Of course, I suppose if you are rich and popular, you can have the mindset that anything you wear is going to become a trend. I bet if Lebron James wore denim shorts one day, then idiots across America would be wearing them by the following week. Though I don’t know why anyone would want to mimic Lebron James anyway, unless they have aspirations of being a career loser and choke artist.

I am someone who has always wore glasses my entire life. I have crappy vision, and I never wanted contact lenses because I have a phobia when it comes to touching my eyes. So I wear glasses whenever I need to, which is pretty much always. I enjoy glasses. But now, because of these hipsters, I am going to be labeled as a poser. And if there is anything I am not, it is a poser.

The giant sunglasses fizzled out, thankfully, and we can only pray that the hipster glasses will do the same.

If there is a God up there, please grant me that wish. Also, let me sleep with Kate Upton. Actually, yeah, grant that one first.

Gay marriage

That’s right, I’m going there. Gay marriage has bene a hot button issue for a while, and we actually may be only days away from its legalization in New York state.

Instead of me saying things like “about damn time!” or “justice is served,” or some shit like that, I am going to say this…

Why the hell is this even still an issue? It’s 2011. We’re supposed to be an advanced society at this point. Who in their right goddamn mind actually thinks that gay people don’t have the innate right to get married?!

Honestly, I don’t see the difference in discriminating against homosexuals by disallowing them to get married and discriminating against black people and supporting slavery. I really don’t. Both are prejudice against a group of people for something that they were born with. It’s not like gay people choose to be gay, and you’re pissed off at their decision-making. That’s just who they are. It’s how they were born. As people. Lots of people were born that way.

Just like how lots of people were born white. Or how lots of people born as douchebags.

How many people do you actually know that are against gay marriage? Like do you actually have friends that take a hard stance against gay marriage, thinking that it is wrong and it’s illegal? Because I don’t know a single person. So where are these jackasses coming from?

Oh right, let me guess, down south. Down in the ol’ Bible Belt where people take the Bible literally.

Also you know what I love? And by love, I really mean the opposite. When straight people take up the fight for gay people and post all this shit on Facebook about how wrong it is to be against gay marriage. Umm, they can speak, you know? You don’t need to fight their battles for them. I swear, sometimes I think people are supporting these causes just to feel better about themselves, rather than being an actual advocate.

Straight people are not better than gay people. Or vise verse. Gay people already know that. And most straight people act as if they have to prove that they know that. Well, how about you just be yourself and treat others like you would normally treat them? You don’t need to sympathize just to make yourself look better. Because you look like a jackass.

You know what I think? I think people who don’t believe in gay marriage should be the ones that are denied the right to marriage, just out of pure stupidity. Plus, those people should not be allowed to procreate.

And there’s an idea. If the world wants to be prejudice, then how about we discriminate against stupid people? Stupid and ignorant people, actually. That way people get to be prejudiced and they get to benefit society! It’s called taking a negative trait and turning it into a plus. Damn, I’m so goddamn smart.

Marriage is not holy, it’s not sacred, it’s not sanctimonious, it’s getting a fucking document saying that you are married. It’s celebrating your love in front of friends and family. It’s forming mutual bank accounts. It does not need to be religious.

Man, religion can be such a disaster sometimes. if not most of the time. It’s cool to believe in a greater being and all, but it’s the people who are so religious that they believe shit just because it’s written in a book that was written thousands of years ago. How is that any different from a crazy person? Why is being overly religious not considered a mental disorder, but autism, ADD and Tourette’s are? I’d much rather hang out with someone with the latter three illnesses than a  religious freak with a stable mind (or is that an oxymoron?). No question about it

Because out of those freaks, you get the idiots that think gay marriage should not be allowed. Again, it’s 2011. Racism, prejudice and discrimination are so twenty-five years ago.

Get with the program.

Why are all politicians freaking retarded?

If you want to send lewd pictures of yourself to girls that you met on Twitter or Facebook, by all means, be my guest. No one’s stopping you (just don’t send them to me.)

If you want to walk into public men’s bathrooms and start toe-tapping the dude next to you, by all means, be my guest. No one’s stopping you (just don’t do it to me.)

If you want to run a prostitution ring under a separate alias and have your own private hooker at your disposal, by all means, be my guest. No one’s stopping you (please, PLEASE, involve me.)

But… and there’s just one but… if you want to do these things, then DON’T BECOME A FUCKING POLITICIAN.

Becoming a solid politician with actual promise relies on your ability to lead a morally correct life while expressing good judgment on a day-to-day basis, and avoiding trouble with the law. If you have a single parking ticket on file, it will come back to bite you in the ass. if you got arrested in college for getting into a bar fight, it will come back to bite you in the ass.

And if you’re a politician and send nude pictures of yourself over the internet to random chicks, then you’re just fucking retarded.

I assume everyone knows what I’m talking about. Otherwise, here you go:

Anthony Weiner is an idiot.

Of course his name is Weiner. Of course it is.

Okay, first and foremost, his political career is done. Nobody knew who the fuck Anthony Weiner was before all of this started, and now everyone does, and will only continue to know him because of this ‘scandal.’

So that’s why I love when this shit breaks out, and the politician always does the same thing. First, they deny it. Then, they admit their wrongdoing and apologize. Then they vow to not resign. When we all know that within a year he will be out of politics and will be a political analyst for CNN alongside Eliot Spitzer.

I just don’t understand how people can be so dumb. If you’re just an average Joe Schmo, and you start sending nude pictures of yourself to random girls on Facebook and Twitter, then you’re a fucking weirdo and a creep.

So, if you’re doing this, and you’re a member of CONGRESS, then… uh… what the hell?! You’re making decisions that affect millions of people! We rely on your ability to make sound decisions and good judgment to benefit our people, and yet, you don’t even possess good enough judgment to know that sending nude pictures of yourself over the Internet probably wasn’t a good idea?!?!

You know, I don’t know if it’s because of all the extended media coverage that exists now as compared to fifteen years ago, but when Bill Clinton was impeached for his affair with Monica Lewinsky, I remember thinking at the time (I was 11) that Bill Clinton must be a dumbass and the biggest idiot in the world.

But now, 13 years later, I think Clinton was the fucking man. All that media scrutiny and all he was guilty of was just a basic affair? Sure he lied about it under oath, but, come on, just your ordinary-run-of-the-mill-extramarital affair? Bo-ring.

The unique and extravagant ways that these moronic politicians nowadays find to humiliate themselves and ruin their careers makes Clinton look like a saint. His wrongdoing was mundane in comparison. I mean there’s a reason why he wasn’t actually kicked out of office.

These politicians really make me shake my head. I guess it means we’re the idiots for voting them in, though? Even so, I’ll never understand how you could even begin to risk something like this — something that if you were to get caught doing, would only bring you national embarrassment and disgrace — when your life is put under such a telescope as a politician. It may leave you with no room for error, but still, you knew what you were signing up for in the beginning. And it makes no goddamn sense.

Anthony Weiner, I think I speak for the entire state of New York when I say… get the hell out of congress.