Let’s not forget how terrifying shark attacks are

With summer officially in full swing, I decided to actually take advantage of the gorgeous weather the last few days by doing a bunch of outdoor activities and mini road trips, which has hindered my ability to blog. So if you’ve missed me over that time, then go outside, you loser.

Now that I’ve patronized my small contingent of loyal readers, let’s move on.

Rather then recapping everything I missed — which, unfortunately, was headlined by tragic shootings at two military facilities in Tennessee, followed by Donald Trump (predictably) saying stupid things, and Bill Cosby getting “pwned” by the New York Times — let’s just focus on one single thing that happened this weekend.

A surfer was attacked by a shark live on television. In other words, his death was almost broadcast live to the world.

Mick FanningMiraculously, he escaped the incident with nary a scratch, though he was clearly emotionally shaken afterwards and will probably have a ton of anxiety in regards to reentering the water anytime soon.

Mick Fanning, an Australian professional surfer, was waiting for his turn in a South African competition when the unmistakable fin of a shark appeared next to him. Moments later, he disappeared into the blue, and naturally, everybody feared the worst. Even one of the announcers voiced his shock live on TV by exclaiming “Holy shit.”

But he reappeared seconds later and swam — with his board — to a rescue boat, and lived to tell the tale. That is one bad-ass mofo. Or one weak-ass shark.

Some time ago, weren’t shark attacks viewed as one of the scariest things that could ever happen to a human? The prospect of being face-to-face with one of nature’s most predatory beasts, in its home territory, used to strike fear into the souls of us all.

But I think movies have conditioned us to fear other things that don’t actually pose a threat to us in reality. Like zombie attacks. Weather-inducing worldwide apocalypses. Marvel super villains and scientifically engineered dinosaurs.

Jaws tapped into that age-old fear 40 years ago, but now, even contemporary movies clearly think that the basic premise of an ocean-based shark attack is not enough to carry a film. Instead, in movies like Sharknado — which, unbelievably, has another sequel coming out on Wednesday — sharks rain down from the sky to attack people.

But we forget that being stalked by a single shark is enough. Just look at the reaction of Mick Fanning when he’s being interviewed after his dance with death. That’s pure fear. You can’t fake that in a movie.

Let’s regain our respect for nature’s greatest predators.

And no, I’m not referring to Bill Cosby.


Bill Cosby and Jared Fogle are not having a good day

All right, so it’s been a pretty long day for me, and I haven’t any time whatsoever to check the news. So I have no idea what is going on in the world.

Since I can’t comment on current events, I thought I’d take the time to instead talk about two of my idols. Because that’s always fun to talk about. We don’t give enough credit in life to the people who helped shape us.

Anyway, two people who have always inspired me to live life to the fullest are Bill Cosby and Jared Fogle, the guy who got famous for losing weight on a diet of Subway sandwiches.

These two men are upstanding citizens who have always done the right thing. They’re admirable in so many ways, and are especially known for their benevolence towards all God’s creatures, including women and children.

Jared from SubwayAnd that’s why I — wait, what’s that you’re yelling at me right now?

Open any website, you say? Like, literally, any website at all? OK, give me one second.

Shit. This is bad. What do I do. What do I do.

*Pulls out mind eraser device from Men in Black*

You will forget everything I just said!

*Realizes he’s actually holding a piece of lint*

OK, well, apparently it has not been a good start to the week for Mr. Cosby and Mr. Fogle. Cosby first came under fire in late 2014 when more than two dozen women accused him of deplorable acts ranging from groping, sexually harassing, to even drugging and raping them. Cosby flatly denied the accusations and called the women liars.

Well, a federal judge on Monday unsealed a court document from 2005 in which Cosby admitted under oath that he purchased qaaludes with the intention of giving them to women he planned to have sex with.

So that pretty much settles that. Cosby — rapist. Check. The 77-year-old can now go on living the remainder of his days in disgrace, and the scores of women who bravely came forward to share their stories are now vindicated.

The case of Jared Fogle, though wrapped in a story almost as disturbing, is not so cut and dry.

The 37-year-old, who lost 200 pounds and then became a spokesman for Subway, may or may not be a pedophile. The mess first started in March, when Russell Taylor, a former executive director for Fogle’s foundation, the Jared Foundation, was arrested on charges related to child pornography.

On Tuesday, the FBI raided Fogle’s home. Though he hasn’t been charged with anything yet, Subway has already suspended ties with him.

So now Subway marketers are handed the challenge of distancing themselves from Jared, and will go full force on centering their outreach on the fact they now serve avocado on their sandwiches.

Listen, Subway, everyone serves avocado now. It’s like a fucking health revolution suddenly came to America overnight. You’re not special.

And then, on Twitter, came the “foot-long” and “six-inch” jokes. It’s something I don’t even need to check to know it’s there. The average American idiot is extremely predictable.

I know, because I used to be one.