Bud Light, promoting non-consensual sex since 2015

For the past year, Bud Light has been doing its best Snapple impersonation and putting hundreds of different messages on its bottles.

You may recognize the campaign, called #UpForWhatever, from their absurd commercials that start with a dude drinking a Bud Light and ending with him playing ping pong against Arnold Schwarzenegger, or in a life size Pac-Man game.

Because, naturally, those are the dream endgames for all drinkers. If everything goes perfectly, we’ll find ourselves at table suited perfectly for beer pong, but instead using to it play a non-drinking sport against a 67-year-old man. Or, we’ll be stuck in a narrow-walled death trap being chased by nightmare-inducing hologram ghosts.

Who wouldn’t want to drink Bud Light?!

Bud Light adBud Light ad2Bud Light3With this campaign — clearly geared towards people who like to get shitfaced drunk and make poor decisions — Bud Light was already kind of ignoring the beer company oath of “please drink responsibly.” It’s the one piece of tangible advice that we are supposed to get from the companies that make liquid poison.

Bud Light then took it one step further. Of its hundreds of messages they were putting on their bottles, one of them read: “The perfect beer for removing ‘no’ from your vocabulary for the night.”

After reading it, everyone else in the world saw what Bud Light somehow failed to see — that you can’t read that sentence and not immediately think of rape.

This mantra isn’t coming from a friendly romantic comedy starring Jim Carrey that encourages people to say yes to everything. It’s on beer  — an ingredient for date rape. The only thing worse would be putting the slogan on a jar of roofies. Or on Bill Cosby’s t-shirt.

In a statement, Anheuser-Busch, which owns Bud Light, said this message “missed the mark.” Yeah, no shit. We all know it was not Bud Light’s intention to encourage unsafe sex. But failing to foresee this reaction was a giant fail.

Plus, nobody is drinking Bud Light for the sense of adventure. They’re doing it because they have no standards for shitty beer.

Here’s some more appropriate slogans they should put on their bottles:

“The perfect beer for when you haven’t drank enough variety to understand what real beer tastes like.”

“The perfect beer for when your cheap ass can’t resist the ’30-pack for $12.99′ sign.”

“The perfect beer for when you’re wondering what your piss would taste like with a little added carbonation.”

Besides, any one who is seeking a night of adventure will completely bypass beer altogether — let alone Bud Light — and go straight to mushrooms. Now there’s a drug that will take the word ‘no’ out of your vocabulary. If you’re brave enough to digest something that is grown using cow manure, you’re willing to do practically anything.

Or so I’m told.