This baseball player took “Take Your Kids to Work Day” a little too literally

As I write this, we are nine hours into the opening day of March Madness, and amazingly, my bracket is not entirely screwed!

As a matter of fact, of the eight finished results from today, I have somehow gotten them all right. And that includes four upsets, two of them being a 12 seed over a 5 seed.

I literally filled my bracket out at work within a matter of two minutes, and putting zero thought into my picks. I just went with my gut. I even named my bracket “I won’t win.”

Maybe that’s the lesson: don’t try, and you will succeed.March Madness

That one is free, kids. Next life lesson, I’m charging.

One more thing before I move on to today’s topic — I wrote a halfhearted, mostly satirical post yesterday about Obama’s Supreme Court nomination of Merrick Garland.

But then I watched the speech that Garland delivered on the White House lawn yesterday. He broke into tears. His wife cried watching him because she was so proud. This is the highest point of his career after serving almost 20 years as a federal judge, and by all accounts he is a highly respected and upstanding man.

And because of petty politicking, he won’t even get a fair shake. It’s disgraceful.

It’s just so disenchanting to me, as a citizen of this country, that the officials we elected are depriving a good, honest man of a position he deserves, that he’s worked his whole life to achieve, simply because he’s become an unwitting pawn in a political chess match.

To me, this is as disappointing as anything I’ve seen in American politics over the past year, and that’s saying a lot.

Alright, let’s go to today’s top story. Baseball. America’s pastime. The game that every child grows up watching, and craving nothing but to one day be able to put on that glove, step onto a baseball field and toss around a ball with his or her father.

Unless, of course, your father plays for the Chicago White Sox.

Now this is quite the interesting story. On Tuesday, 36-year-old Adam LaRoche, a first baseman for the White Sox, announced he was retiring. Now this in itself is not strange. He’s up there in age, and he’s coming off a poor year in which he barely hit above .200.

Adam LaRoche.jpgWhat is weird, though, is that he was signed under contract this season for $13 million. By walking away, he foregoes that money.

Hours later, the story came out. LaRoche apparently always brought his 14-year-old son, Drake, into the clubhouse. Like every day. He was well-liked among his teammates and became something of an honorary team member.

Earlier this week, a team executive, Ken Williams, citing a desire for his team to be fully focused on the coming season, asked LaRoche to scale back his son’s presence in the clubhouse.

LaRoche chose family over career. He retired.

The story has started a debate about the merits of having your kids in the workplace. And when you think about it, what job exists in which it is acceptable to bring your kid to every day? On top of that, baseball clubhouses, as a nearly all-male environment, are notorious for lewd conversations and other off-color shenanigans.

Imagine a co-worker at your job bringing their child into your office every single day. Not once a month, or once a week — every day. 

Heck, I always thought parents appreciated a few hours of work each day as a means of escape from their kids. But what do I know?

Regardless of how you feel about this, there’s no doubt the White Sox come off looking like the bad guys — their team considered boycotting a subsequent Spring Training game in response to the incident — and you also have to appreciate Adam LaRoche’s values.

That being said, if I’m his kid, I’m saying, “Dad, go to work. I’ll miss you a little, but I’ll get over it when we’re $13 million richer.”

Well, at least they’ll have plenty of time to play catch this year. In fact, Adam better soak in that family time for the time being.

Because sometime tells me when Drake is priced out of the college of his choice four years from now, he will not want to look his dad in the eye anymore.

Who Obama really should have nominated for the Supreme Court

What a crazy day, right? Everywhere you turned there was chatter about who President Obama nominated for the Supreme Court. It was the only thing anyone talked about today and it almost seemed like nothing else in the world even happened besides that!

Oh. What’s that you say? You all have actual lives and aren’t really all that invested in this stuff?

I wonder what that’s like.

Merrick Garland.jpg

But anyway, whether you care about it or not, you probably did hear about it as some point today. Despite threats from Republican leaders that they would not even consider a nomination for the Supreme Court following last month’s death of Antonin Scalia, Obama went ahead with his Constitutional obligations and selected one anyway.

His selection of Merrick Garland, a 63-year-old, highly respected, centrist judge on the U.S. Court of Appeals, who over his 19-year career as a federal judge has earned praise from both sides of the political aisle, is a typical, savvy Obama move.

It’s as fair of a choice at it gets, and dares Republicans to live up to their promise to obstruct any nomination.

And while I think Mr. Garland is perfectly fine, I think Obama could have done better. Indeed, I even made a list recently of who I think should have been considered.

And I’m more than happy to share it with you.

Barack Obama.pngBarack Obama

What better way for Obama to give the middle finger to Republican legislators, who have done everything in their power to make his presidency as miserable as possible the last eight years, than to nominate himself?

And on top of that, he’s qualified for the job! He’s a graduate of Harvard Law School and taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago Law School for 12 years.

Plus, how awesome would it have been if he stood in the White House Rose Garden and announced, “My nomination for the U.S. Supreme Court is … me.” And then dropped the mic, ripped off his suit to reveal a judge’s robe while the entrance music for Stone Cold Steve Austin played in the background?

Missed opportunity. #ThanksObama.

Saul GoodmanSaul Goodman

Maybe you don’t appreciate the way he goes about his business, but the man knows how to get things done. He’s a fixer. And let’s face it, if he could keep Walter White out of trouble, then I think we can safely say America is in good hands if he’s the one making all of our important decisions.

Yes, I am aware that he is a television show character, but I’ve thought about this. We’ll let Bob Odenkirk sit on the bench, but he must remain in method as Saul Goodman every second he is on the job.

We can arrange it around his “Better Call Saul” schedule, because we ain’t canceling that shit, Supreme Court nominee or not.

2 Chainz.jpg2 Chainz

I’ll admit I know very little about this man, but there is no question that the court could use a little more diversity. Clarence Thomas is getting a little lonely up there.

And who better to be the standard-bearer of our country’s judicial process than a man named 2 Chainz? I mean, I’m sure he named himself that out of nothing but sheer respect and admiration for our country’s penal system.

Also, don’t lie. You’d pay money to hear a law clerk say “All rise for The Honorable 2 Chainz” every time he entered a court room.

The Bill from School House RockBillSHR.jpg

This character represents most people’s first introduction into the legal process. We sang along. We danced. We even still look it up on YouTube every now and then out of nostalgia.

He’s not only an icon of American law, but he’s so beloved that there is just no way — no way — the Republicans could have rejected him if he was nominated. The public outcry would have been too great.

The protests at Trump rallies would have nothing on this.

Burrito Supreme.jpgA burrito supreme

Let’s all be real. When we hear the word “supreme,” we don’t first think about the Supreme Court.

Rather, our mouths begin watering at the thought of a burrito supreme from Taco Bell. That savory, meaty substance they tell us is beef, layered with allegedly fresh tomatoes, lettuce and cheese topped with a white substance I truly hope is sour cream. How can anybody resist?

Taco Bell is America. Nothing would have bridged the political divide in our country more than this.

But, alas, Obama chose to gloss over these surefire options and choose a man named Merrick Garland.

That name sounds so dull that Republicans won’t choose not to vote on him out of ideology, but instead, they’ll just lose interest in him before they even finish saying it aloud.

It bears repeating.

Thanks Obama.