Attention: I am initiating the Bloxit process

At approximately 8:37 p.m. on Tuesday, the Weinblog™ held its long-promised referendum to decide if we wanted to remain a member of the United Union of Bloggers.

Over the years, the Internet has grown increasingly volatile. The rise of social media has only highlighted that trend.

A major consequence of the Internet’s expansion is the deterioration of the English language: when experiencing a certain emotion, people invent acrostic behavioral terminologies, like FML or YOLO, because they’re too lazy to express how they truly feel.

Last year, fake news became an Internet epidemic.

And recently, the Republican-controlled Congress repealed Internet privacy protections preventing Internet service providers from sharing your data without permission.

It has gone far enough.

So, finally, on Tuesday, March 28, we held our long-awaited referendum to vote if we should leave the United Union of Bloggers – UUB for short – which I officially anointed as Bloxit.

The electorate comprised two people: myself, who voted with a resounding ‘yes,’ and my cat Marbles, who stared at me, licked his paw, and then rushed to a nearby window to stare at what I presume was a bird. I took those actions as a declaration of assent.

And with that, I initiated the process. I stood on my front lawn wearing a bandanna, while somehow equipped with a walking stick akin to the one carried by Gandalf in Lord of the rings, and yelled, ‘BLOXIT!” And then I went inside and ate a cheese sandwich.

OK, so this was a dramatic representation of what it would be like if individual websites were able to declare their own sovereignty from the Internet, not unlike the current trend of European countries deciding whether they wish to remain as a member state of the European Union.

Brexit

As we all remember, the United Kingdom voted last summer to leave the E.U., and this week, nine months after 51% of voters chose to support ‘Brexit,’ Prime Minister Theresa May has formally initiated the exiting process.

In the meantime, many other European countries have flirted with the idea of holding their own referendums, and Scotland is deliberating whether to even stay in the United Kingdom.

Theresa May accomplished the start of the Brexit process by triggering Article 50 of the Treaty on European Union, also known as the Lisbon Treaty, meaning Britain must officially be out by April 2019. Think of it as your parents telling you that if you don’t get a job within two years, you’re kicked out of the house, whether you like it or not.

May sent a letter shortly before 12:30 p.m. local time to Donald Tusk, the President of the European Council, signaling the initiation of Article 50. And if you think the instructions provide an extremely complex and detailed protocol for an unprecedented departure from a continental geopolitical and economic union, you’d be wrong – it’s five steps. Monopoly comes with more instructions.

In case you hadn’t figured it out, there’s no such thing as Bloxit. I made it up. And if it did exist, my departure from the also-made-up UUB would be far less consequential than the UK’s forthcoming departure from the E.U.

But hey, it’s fun to joke about things that could cause real-life economic turmoil as well as deep uncertainty in the futures of young British people for decades to come.

Cheerio!

If you took one thing away from the U.K. prime minister change today, let it be Larry the Cat

One of the first major events in the aftermath of the Brexit took place on Wednesday, when David Cameron officially stepped down as the prime minister of the United Kingdom, to be replaced by Theresa May.

May, the nation’s second female leader, is a moderate conservative who was against the Brexit but didn’t publicize her stance before the referendum. She has pledged to adhere to voters’ wishes to remove the U.K. from the European Union, and she won the endorsement of her predecessor in recent days.

In short, she’s a much more favorable choice to lead the U.K. than those on the far right who had been floated around in the past week.

But while Cameron and his family formally removed himself from 10 Downing Street, and May entered, one thing will remain the same.

Larry the Cat.

Larry the Cat

A 4-year-old tabby cat who was rescued in 2011 to tend to a rat problem at the headquarters of Her Majesty’s Government, Larry holds the official title of chief mouser.

It was later reported, though, that Larry wasn’t so good at catching mice. Instead, he endeared to the British by scratching TV reporters and attempting to photobomb Kevin Spacey.

But having been introduced to Larry the Cat today, I think my fears over the Brexit have officially been minimized. The greatest concern was the instability that the nation would find itself in following its removal from the European Union.

A new prime minister, new laws and regulations, and a whole new stature in the global economic and political landscape. That’s a lot to take in. It’s scary.

But now that I know there will be some consistency and stability in the form of Larry the Cat, I am no longer worried. As long as that furball resides at 10 Downing Street, then I am at peace.

It’s been a wildly turbulent last few weeks for the U.K., but it was with remarkable efficiency that they picked a new leader and quickly put them into power.

Meanwhile, it’s been well over a year since the American presidential election got underway, and we still have four months left. I’m getting bored of it already. I know Bernie endorsed Hillary on Tuesday, which is pretty significant and could unify the Democratic Party moving forward, but perhaps we need to take a page from our friends across the pond and throw some animals into the mix.

Let’s give Hillary and Trump animals that best depict them to serve as their mascots. How about a weasel for Hillary, and a for Trump … a blobfish.

Screw vice presidents.

There’s your ticket right there.